First
by AngstyShenko
Summary: This is a running documentation of the firsts in Cmdr. Rachel Shepard and Kaidan Alenko's relationship. Told from both perspectives. Each chapter divided into Hers and His. Definitely fluffy Shenko. Canonish through all 3 games, but will AU after ME3 because I need my happy ending. Chapter 50! The Normandy returns...
1. Day

A/N This is my first attempt at fan fiction. Please be kind, but read and review. I do appreciate constructive criticism! Thanks!

HERS

She walked down the ramp to the airlock. Another ship, another assignment, she thought. Thankfully, this time it was with her mentor, Captain Anderson. He had always been like a second father to her throughout her military career. Even with Anderson, Commander Rachel Shepard couldn't see anything being any different about this ship than the others she had been assigned to before.

She hefted her footlocker as the airlock doors opened allowing her to enter. _Normandy._ She had seen on the side of the ship. Most advanced ship in the Alliance, she was told. Sighing, Shepard looked around. It didn't seem much different than any other ship, but it certainly was busy. Crewmen and officers scurried about readying the ship for final departure.

"Shepard!" A shout jolted her out of her thoughts. It was Anderson. "You're late."

"I know," she said, lamely. "Would you believe I got caught in traffic?"

"I wouldn't."

"My dog ate my homework?" joked Shepard.

"Get your stuff down to the crew deck and get back up here to the CIC. This is no way for the XO of my ship to start our first mission," ordered Anderson.

Shepard mumbled an apologetic acknowledgment, and quickly walked toward the stairs to the crew deck. Her footlocker wasn't heavy, but it was awkward, and somehow she had to activate the sensor to open the door to the stairway. She didn't want to put it down, so she turned her body toward the green light to use her hip, but before she could, the door opened. A dark haired man stood at the threshold. "Good morning," he said before continuing ahead toward the cockpit.

"Uh, hi," stammered Shepard, nearly dropping her locker. She walked down the stairs, but turned to look back at the man. He was well-built, handsome with close cropped hair that would be a curly mass if left to grow. She could smell his cologne when he walked by, and it lingered in her nose.

_No. Don't let that get started. He's probably like all the rest and not worth your time._

Shepard pushed the young man out of her mind and hurried to unload her stuff.

HIS

Kaidan Alenko woke early that morning. He was excited. A brand new ship, the _Normandy_, was being sent off and he was assigned to it. This was a privileged assignment and he knew it. It wasn't like he didn't deserve it. God, he'd been serving with distinction for 14 years. Had it really been that long? 18 + 14 = 32, he reasoned.

He was one of the first to arrive on deck. He always liked to claim a sleeping pod early because he liked the ones closest to the back. The hum of engine drowned out any other noises that might be going on and helped him sleep better. He went downstairs to the armory, unpacked into his locker, and went back upstairs.

The rest of morning proceeded uneventfully. He was just wrapping up some diagnostics on the console by the sleeping pods when he was summoned to the cockpit. "Hey, Alenko. Something's acting twitchy with the forward thrusters. Can you help me with them? I still have some other calculations to run before we take off. We're going through the Charon relay and I'm not in the mood to destroy the pride of the Alliance fleet. I think that might reflect badly on my performance review."

"Sure, Joker. I'll be right there," laughed Kaidan.

He walked up the stairway and activated the door sensor. He was suddenly face to face with a woman carrying a footlocker. He'd never seen her before. She was pretty, but not stunning. Brown hair pulled back in a messy ponytail, green eyes, a big scar under her right eye, he observed. She looked like she was running late. "Good morning," he said and walked ahead.

He thought he heard her say something in return, but he was in a hurry. It was nearly 1200 and they wanted the ship to be on its way by 1230.

_I wonder if I should have helped her. No, she looked like she had it fine. Probably another one of those super self-reliant female soldiers. Chivalry is a dead language anyway to them._


	2. Introduction

A/N I wrote the first chapter and still had some words to get out, so here's a second chapter. It will not be like this probably ever. Life as a busy mom will do that to you.

HERS

Shepard busied herself with going over work detail and daily assignments for the crew. She was doing her usual, working through lunch, sitting in the mess with a stack of data pads. She may not have been always the most punctual person, as she thought back to Anderson's chastisement, but she worked harder than a crewman on his first assignment. Her eyes looked up for just a moment, right as Anderson approached.

"Shepard, I hope you are familiarizing yourself with the crew. These are some of the Alliance's best, but we need them in the right places. I can't have a crew that isn't efficient," he said, the twinkle in his eyes belying the sternness in his voice.

"Don't worry, sir. I've got a good grasp on most of them already. Pretty standard stuff."

Anderson grunted his approval and turned to move on when he stopped and motioned for that dark haired man to come over.

_Oh, God, no. He looks even better from the front. Maybe I can excuse myself, maybe I can pretend to be sick. Maybe..._

"Shepard, I wanted to introduce you. This is Lt. Kaidan Alenko. He's got his hand on many things in this ship. If it needs repaired, patched, or rebooted, likely Alenko is your man. I think you'll find that he's an honest sounding board on the crew as well. He's also excellent in combat, and a biotic, like you. A damn fine marine."

_Damn fine is right. _Shepard stood up as her mind wandered, thinking where she would like this lieutenant's hands to be.

"Hello. You're Commander Shepard." The voice that came out was like velvet. He held out his hand.

"Lieutenant," Shepard said sternly, taking his hand in a firm shake. She felt a hum in the back of her neck. Must be his biotics clashing with hers. She could smell his cologne again, and she began to feel clumsy.

_I need to get out of here! Think of something! I need to talk to my mom, uh, I ate yesterday's meatloaf...anything!_

She smiled and said calmly, "I need to get back to my work. Gentlemen." And she sat back down.

HIS

It was way past his normal lunch break, and Kaidan was ravenous. He made his way down the stairs to the mess. Nothing smelled good.

_That's the one bad thing about space duty. Food sucks._

He reluctantly made his way to the line. Another mystery meat with a mystery green vegetable beaten into oblivion and swirled with gravy. He knew he had to eat. His biotics burned through his meals every 3 hours and even then he needed snacks, and that was when he wasn't in combat. The mess hall chef gave him two helpings. "Biotics get extra, lucky you," she said sarcastically.

Sitting down, he didn't notice the woman sitting at the far end of the table. Kaidan ate quickly because he still had to help Joker with the shielding, and they were to be picking up a passenger before they hit the Charon relay. He got up, and put his tray into the auto-wash. Walking quickly, he almost didn't hear Capt. Anderson's booming voice calling him.

"Lieutenant, come here please."

"Sir?" Kaidan could see that Anderson was talking to the woman he had almost run into in the stairway. Her hair was no longer a mess, but rather in a regulation bun. Her furrowed brow made him wonder what he had done wrong.

"Shepard, I wanted to introduce you. This is Lt. Kaidan Alenko..." said Anderson. He wondered why Anderson made it a point to introduce him to..._her._

_Oh. My. God. This is Commander Shepard?! She had that footlocker and I just walked right by. No one ever said anything about her being on the ship! No salute or anything for my superior officer. Damnit, she's probably writing me up right now._

"Hello. You're Commander Shepard," Kaidan managed to squeak out. _Real smooth. She knows her own goddamn name._

Shepard gave a faint smile, and took his offered hand. Her grip was firm, but her hand surprisingly soft. He felt the back of his neck tingle. Didn't Anderson say she was a biotic too?

"Lieutenant." It sounded like a curse in his ears. _God, I probably look like such a fool. And to my XO!_

She excused herself to her work and Kaidan and Anderson walked away. Kaidan kicked himself the whole way back to the cockpit.On the way, his thoughts were suddenly captured by the green of her eyes. _Oh no, I can't be star struck already._


	3. Active Combat

HERS

"Tell Alenko and Jenkins to meet you in the cargo bay. They are going to accompany you on this mission," ordered Anderson. Shepard mentally flinched. She had been trying to avoid this Alenko guy for days while they made their way to Eden Prime.

_Why did Anderson like this guy so much? He's just another meat-headed career soldier. Probably has a girl in every port, as that old saying went._

Shepard wasn't afraid to care about someone, she convinced herself. However, there were regs, and he was a subordinate. _And probably a jerk_, she added mentally for good measure.

They dropped in hot onto Eden Prime's surface, presumably to fight some strange and unknown alien to get to a Prothean beacon. She was glad that Jenkins had been here before or she would have blasted every one of those gas bag creatures into oblivion. When they started finding charred bodies, Shepard grew uneasy. They ducked behind some rocks as they came to a bend in the trail. Motioning, she sent Jenkins ahead up the trail.

Two combat drones came flying up and, before Jenkins had gone 10 yards, targeted him. She watched him fall and her mind steeled. She had seen men die before, and this was no time for fear. She charged ahead while the drones were still focused on Jenkins, her biotics flaring. She threw one drone into a rocky wall and turned to deal with the second.

Before she could, Alenko had thrown and disposed of the oncoming enemy. She looked back and saw him enveloped in a fading blue corona. _I never thought biotic power looked hot until today…. Damnit, Rachel, why the hell are you thinking about that? Pull yourself together! One of your team just got shot down!_

"Negative contacts," he said plainly as he walked up to Jenkins.

They both looked at the fallen man's body, and Shepard said matter-of-factly, "We need to get him a proper burial, but we can't let this distract us. The dig site is supposed to be just ahead."

She walked on, knowing he was trailing behind. _I wonder if he noticed my ass._

HIS

"Alenko! Jenkins! Suit up and meet me in the cargo bay. Now!" a sharp voice rang out from his omni-tool. It was Commander Shepard.

"On my way," Kaidan acknowledged as he left his work station. Ever since that awkward introduction to his XO, he couldn't get the pretty commander out of his mind, and he hated himself for it. He was a by-the-books soldier and he knew there were at least 10 regulations strictly forbidding relationships between himself and her.

Standing in the cargo bay getting last minute instructions from Capt. Anderson, he couldn't help but notice the woman standing near him. _I've never seen anyone else fill out armor like that before._ The thought ran through his mind before he could stop it. _This isn't the time, Kaidan._

Kaidan and Jenkins followed closely behind the commander until they came to a bend in the trail. Ducking behind some rocks, Kaidan watched as she sent Jenkins ahead. He glanced over at Shepard to see her lithe body, crouching as well.

_She has a body of an asari dancer, not a soldier. She's not muscular like the other female marines I've seen. God, she's got a nice ass…_

Suddenly, Kaidan was torn from his reverie by the sounds of shots and seeing Jenkins go down. He jumped to his feet as he saw Shepard charge ahead, a blue light surrounding her. He saw which drone she was targeting and knew she wouldn't have enough time to get the second before it targeted her.

He unleashed a throw against that second drone with a power he hadn't expected. Unexpected passion flowed through his body as he worked to calm the biotic power. He saw her look back at him. He quickly looked down at his omni-tool. "Negative contacts," Kaidan said. _Do I sound breathless?_

He looked down at Jenkins and closed the dead man's eyes. Jenkins was a good guy, and it hurt to see him like this.

"We need to get him a proper burial, but we can't let this distract us. The dig site is supposed to be just ahead," said Shepard, a little too coldly, he thought. She turned to go, and he followed.

_Wow. I guess the sole survivor of Akuze must not ever let anything get to her. But she still has a body that won't quit. Damnit, Kaidan! _She didn't see him smack his palm to his face.


	4. Smile

**A/N A big THANK YOU to my new follows! You have no idea what this means to me! I apologize for the darker tone of this chapter. I had to get through this stuff to get to the lighter things.**

HERS

Shepard was done with Eden Prime. She called up to the _Normandy_ to get a transport of the beacon. She and Ashley Williams were ready to get out of there. This mission had gone south fast, but it got worse when she turned to see that damn Lt. Alenko being pulled toward the beacon.

_Why the hell is it glowing? I can't risk losing both men on my team!_

She tackled Alenko and pushed him away from the beacon, which was humming and radiating with activity. Just before her mind was filled with horrific images, her thoughts drifted to that lieutenant.

_I would do this for you again._

Then her world went black.

Hazy light began filling her lids as she regained consciousness.

"Doctor! Doctor Chakwas! I think she's waking up!"

_Who is that talking? God, don't yell. I can hear just fine._

Shepard's eyes opened and she sat up. She was in the med bay looking at the friendly face of Dr. Karin Chakwas. "Commander, are you ok? How are you feeling?"

"I'm all right, doc. How long was I out?"

Dr. Chakwas starting talking about her condition when Shepard noticed the other person in the room.

_Alenko. He looks worried. I hope I didn't say anything stupid while I was out. Wait a second, how'd I get back on the ship?_ Noticing his muscular arms, she wondered if he carried her, or if he and Williams called a med evac team. _I could have been touching him, smelling him, leaning against him and I was freaking passed out? Shit._

Shepard starting feeling bad about how she had been avoiding him. He had never done anything wrong, and she prejudged him and here he was in the med bay worried about her. She remembered her last conscious thought. _I would do this for you again._ She knew right there was truth.

"You couldn't have known what would happen," she told him reassuringly. He smiled.

She smiled back. _Yeah, he's still handsome. Too bad I jacked things up by being his XO._

HIS

Kaidan looked at the green glowing spire and felt an involuntary draw to it. His body was being forced in a direction that he didn't want to go, and his strength wasn't enough to stop it. Suddenly, another giant force pushed him from the relentless pull from the beacon. He crashed to the ground and saw Shepard being lifted in the air.

"Shepard!" _What have I done?_

"Don't touch her!" Ashley Williams yelled. "It's too dangerous!"

He thought the beacon would cause her body to explode the way it was making her shake. When the beacon exploded instead, Kaidan leapt into action, his training as a field medic kicking in.

"We've got to get her back to the ship!" _Oh, God, no. I barely know her. This can't be the end._ He couldn't believe the grief that was beginning to build in his soul. How many days had he known her? What, maybe 2 weeks?

A shuttle arrived and Kaidan made sure to secure Shepard's neck before lifting her onto the gurney. He caught a faint fragrance from her hair as he did.

_She smells like the beach. _

His guilty conscience wouldn't let him leave the med bay, even after repeated reassurances from Dr. Chakwas that the commander was indeed fine, and all she needed was time for her brain to recover from the trauma. Only slightly was that feeling relieved when Shepard began to stir.

_He wanted to rush to her side, apologize for being careless, kiss her lips, take her in his arms_…Embarrassment creeped up into his face as he bound those wandering thoughts.

Kaidan listened quietly until Dr. Chakwas finished speaking. He couldn't hold it in anymore. "You pushed me out of the way, and if it wasn't for me, well…" His voice drifted off.

"You couldn't have known what would happen," she told him, not unkindly. Warmth filled him and came out in a shy smile. When she smiled back, Kaidan thought the universe never looked brighter.

_Too bad she's my XO._


	5. Dance

**A/N: Thank you for all the follows and favorites! This was probably my favorite chapter to write so far. I actually added a third category "Theirs" in this chapter because you need to see everyone on the outside looking in! Enjoy!**

HERS

"Come on, Commander! We need to celebrate this! You're the first human Spectre!" Ashley said gleefully. "The whole crew is heading to Flux and it would sure suck hard if the guest of honor wasn't there."

Shepard didn't really care. She was pissed. Pissed that Udina was an ass, pissed that Saren was getting away with everything, and pissed that Anderson was taken off the ship. _Who gives a rat's ass about being a Spectre? I mean, I am honored, but shit; I didn't want it this way._

"I heard L-T say he would be there." The words stopped Shepard's thoughts cold.

"Well, maybe I can make an appearance," Shepard smiled. "Just so the crew won't be disappointed."

_For the whole crew. Keep telling yourself that, and you'll eventually believe it._

Shepard walked into the club/casino/bar, whatever it was, and immediately felt uncomfortable. The crew was scattered all over, drinking, laughing, and dancing.

_Dancing. Ash is over there dancing with Alenko. She makes it look good. They look good together, like the perfect high school couple._

Shepard sat at a table and began chatting with Joker.

"So, what do you do at these kinds of things?" she asked. "I've never been very good at the party scene myself."

"Oh, the same old thing. I get hammered and get some pretty woman to carry me home. The whole 'drunk and I can't walk on my own' thing works pretty well. Haven't missed yet," Joker smiled wickedly.

Shepard laughed and knew that her pilot was going to be a great friend for a long time. The two stayed at the table, laughing and watching the others. Soon, Ash came ambling up.

"Hey guys, I've been on my feet for a while, and I need a drink. Shepard, why don't you get out there on the floor? Lots of guys have been asking for you to join in!" she said teasingly.

"Um, I don't do dancing…," Shepard stammered, but Ash was already pushing her out onto the floor._ No, really, I _do not_ dance._… Right up to Alenko.

"Hey, L-T. Shepard's going to take my place for a while. 'S'at ok?"

"Sure," he said noncommittally. Shepard just stood there, surrounded by dancing bodies, her feet stuck to the floor. Alenko turned to her, eyebrows raised, "So do you want to dance with me?"

"I don't really dance…I-I've just never…" Shepard hated the way she stuttered. _But how do you say 'I can't dance?'_

"It's ok," Alenko laughed, and then lowered his voice and leaned in close. "Everyone has their first time. I promise I'll be gentle." She could feel the heat emanating off his body, smell the fragrance of his cologne. He was even close enough that she could feel a slight tingle in her biotic implant. _I can't do this!_

Shepard continued to stand stock still. _Rachel, wake up! You are Commander goddamn Shepard and you aren't afraid of anything! Move your body!_ She felt like she was in stasis.

"Ok, then," Alenko sighed. "Let's start out slow." He put his hands on her hips. Her implant hummed when his fingertips made contact. "You just need to move with the rhythm of the music," as he began to lightly force her body to sway. "Now, you can't just be stiff about it. Loosen up, let the rest of your body go," he encouraged.

Shepard closed her eyes. His hands remained on her hips, and that oh-so-pleasing hum ran through her body. Her heart began to pound as she tried to let go of her fear. Her arms raised and her body movements became more fluid. As she did, she felt his hands slide to the back of her waist and pull her closer. She could feel his breath on her neck.

The pulse of the music, the sway of their bodies, the scent of sweat and the undulating waves of their combined dark energy surging through her was intoxicating. She lost track of time and space. She was feeling pleasure typically reserved for private quarters. Suddenly, she felt as if she would climax right there on the dance floor. It felt right…._it felt wrong._

Her eyes flew open, and she pushed him away. "I have to go. Things are different when you are the CO, and there's a lot of work to be done. I've messed around too long." He stared at her mutely, and she spun on her heel and left.

_That was too much, too close…too amazing. _She groaned to herself. She almost plowed into Wrex as she left the club.

HIS

Kaidan walked in to Flux and the heat of the room hit him in the face like a wall. The music was loud, the people were happy, and…Shepard wasn't there. He pursed his lips together, so they wouldn't betray his true disappointment.

"Hey L-T!" yelled Ashley. "Let's get this place jumpin'!" Kaidan chuckled and joined the pretty woman in her dancing. She was fun and carefree, surprising considering recent events at Eden Prime. _Ash is nice looking and seems really great, but she isn't…_

The doors hissed open and Kaidan saw Shepard walk in. She made a beeline for the table where Joker was sitting and joined him. He saw them laugh and talk, and a twinge of jealousy surfaced. _I never thought about her being interested in Joker. And why not? He's a good guy, bit of an ass, but he'll always have your back._

"Thinking about something?" Ashley's words caught Kaidan by surprise. He was still dancing with her, but his eyes had been elsewhere. She looked over and saw Shepard and Joker. Embarrassment crept up into Kaidan's face. _Thank God it's dark in here._

Ashley saw it anyway. "Or someone?" she smiled in realization. "Oh, I know how it is. You just let me take care of this," she said and sauntered away.

In a few moments, she was pushing an extremely reluctant Shepard in his direction. "Hey, L-T. Shepard's going to take my place for a while. 'S'at ok?"

"Sure," Kaidan said, secretly pleased at the turn of events. "So do you want to dance with me?"

"I don't really dance…I-I've just never…" He knew that she was feeling uncomfortable, so he tried to lighten the mood. He leaned in, so she could hear him over the noise. "It's ok. Everyone has their first time. I promise I'll be gentle."

_That was so a come on. Subtle much, Kaidan?_ He mentally face palmed. Shepard just stared at him. Did she look horrified? _Oh, damn, now I'll probably have a sexual harassment complaint filed against me._

"Ok, then," Kaidan sighed as he thought of how stupid he looked. "Let's start out slow." He reached out to put his hands on her hips. He could guide Shepard through a dance or two, and Ashley would be back. He was suddenly aware of his implant, and remembered Shepard was a biotic as well. Touching her gave him a warm feeling. Was it the biotics or was it just his body reacting in lust? _Who cares, God, she feels good._

He had never seen fear in her eyes until tonight, so he thought he should just give her a quick lesson in dancing. . "You just need to move with the rhythm of the music." He lightly used his hands to push her hips side to side. Her body was so stiff; he was surprised this was the same woman who practically glided across a battlefield. "Loosen up; let the rest of your body go." Her eyes that had been wide in fear slowly closed as he continued to move her.

The beat of the music was primal. Kaidan knew Shepard was beginning to shed her inhibitions when her arms slid up over his head. He took the cue and wrapped his arms around her, bringing their bodies together. He had his head bent down, leaning in toward her neck. He could feel his breathing change.

_I want her. I need her. This is how I always want it to be. Me and her._ Kaidan felt Shepard's heart pound through her chest. It aroused him to know at least she was somewhat excited by him. He heard her breathing get faster and shallow. He wanted to kiss her. _Regs be damned. I don't care if she is my CO now._

Then she stiffened up, and pushed him away, and practically yelled at him, "I have to go. Things are different when you are the CO, and there's a lot of work to be done. I've messed around too long."

_Things are different when you are the CO. That was her way of saying regs are regs, so back off, buddy. _He watched her leave Flux, mostly keeping his gaze on the waist where his hands just were.

_Shit, that was hot, though._ Kaidan needed a cold shower.

THEIRS

After Ashley pushed Shepard over to Alenko's side, she sat down with a drink beside Joker, proudly.

"See that? I'm a matchmaker."

"What? She looks scared shitless. That doesn't look like love to me," said Joker. "Besides Shepard is way too focused on being a soldier than screwing around with a pretty boy like Alenko. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's nice. Probably the nicest guy I know, but she'd destroy him. Too headstrong."

"Oh yeah? Then what's that?" Ashley teased as they looked back to see the unknowing couple starting to move in unison. Shepard's eyes were closed.

"Ok, so maybe they're attracted to each other, but damn, we all get horny sometimes!"

"We do?"

"Hell, yeah. Listen, I'll be honest, I've had a few too many to drink, and I'll need some help to get back to the Normandy. Could you just walk me back? Just to my sleeping pod. We don't have to go now, I'm just sayin'." Joker laid it on thick, smiling at the woman lustily.

Ashley smiled, the alcohol must have been doing it's magic because Joker didn't seem like the ass Alenko said he was. "Sure, but I want to see how this turns out," she said, motioning to Alenko and Shepard.

The conversation lulled while they both watched. They saw Shepard snap back away from Alenko and turn and bolt for the door. They saw Wrex jump out of the way as she did.

"Whoa, did you see that?" Joker said.

"What the hell did he do?" cried Ashley.

"What do you mean, he? Maybe she did something. Ever think about that? Women aren't always so innocent." Joker's voice cracked from emotion.

Wrex came over to their table. "Shepard smells like she's in heat." Sniffing the air again, he said, "Do humans always smell like they are ready to mate?"

"Only when we serve on ships together," Ashley's eyes rolled. Joker grinned.


	6. Realization

**A/N: I had so much internal conversation in previous chapters that I thought it was time for some outside talk :) Two chapters to post today! Enjoy and please read and review!**

HERS

"So?" Ash laid a knowing look toward Shepard. She hated that Ash was so intuitive.

"So what?" Shepard said in a lame attempt of innocence, because her voice caught as she talked. She cleared her throat. _Everyone saw right through me._

"Why did you run away last night? You looked like you were having a good time. Finally," came Ash's exasperated response.

Commander Shepard took over. "First of all, it would be best for you to show the proper respect. Second, I don't answer to you about anything. Third, I had work to do and I just remembered how important it was." _That was a good enough lie, right?_

"Mm-k. It didn't have _anything_ to do with L-T? I won't even tell you what Wrex said after you almost steamrolled him," Ash teased.

"What does it matter what Wrex said?" Shepard said decisively. _But I have to know._ "What did he say?"

"He said something like that you smelled like sex or something," Ash said matter-of-factly. "What was going on out there with you and L-T? I don't know how krogan noses work, but I do know that L-T was…"

Words tumbled out of Shepard's mouth, as she involuntarily interrupted Ash. "I was hot and tired, and had had a little too much to drink."

"What do you mean _you_? I thought L-T came on to you and Wrex smelled him on you. Shepard, um, _Commander_, do you like L-T?" Ash giggled ferociously.

"NO! Uh, I-I mean, not in that way. Shit. Ash, don't you dare look any way into this." Shepard's face turned a bright crimson.

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks." Ash said, quoting Shakespeare. "Besides, he's into you too. God, I've never seen a guy so messed up with a woman. My sisters would be jealous."

"Really?" Shepard smiled, the red fading from her face. Ash giggled.

HIS

"What the hell, Alenko?" Joker cursed. "You let that nice ass just run away from you? Are you not into women or something? I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that, but I know you…what the hell?"

"I couldn't, Joker. That'd be wrong, and you know it. Regs." Kaidan kept his eyes on his console.

"Oh, that's right, Mr. Picture Perfect Soldier, can't break any rules, even when the woman _throws_ herself into your arms. What are you waiting for, a goddamn invitation? She is hot for you!"

"Hey, I'm a little bit more of a gentleman than that, Joker. Unlike someone else I know who uses his freaking handicap as a pick-up line," Kaidan said defensively.

"Touché," said Joker, smiling. "But I'm not all pent up like a hormonal teenage boy. Ash was pretty fun…" The pilot faded into memories.

"I like her, Joker," Kaidan said quietly.

"Well, sure you do. I mean, shit, I'd take a crack at her, if you weren't."

"No, I mean _really_. I've never felt like this about anyone…not since Rahna." He stopped and shook his head. "It's stupid and wrong and I have to figure out some way to stop it."

"Why?" Joker asked delicately, sensing Kaidan's open honesty.

"I don't know. That's why I can't."

"Well, then go get her, son. She's waiting on you."

Kaidan shifted in his seat, feeling a little better about life.

Joker broke the silence. "So, how did she feel when you were dancing?"

"Like heaven."


	7. Fantasy

**A/N: And with this chapter I up the rating...I'm not sure where the line is drawn, but to me this is more explicit. P.S. I'm terrible at writing smut, so forgive the awkwardness, but I hope you enjoy this despite my shortcomings!**

HERS

She felt his breath, hot on her neck. The moisture of his kisses seemed to lie like fire upon her skin. She felt alive in his arms. The smooth touch of his fingers rolled gently down her body. This is what she wanted, what she had been waiting for. Her body ached for him.

She heard his voice say, "Don't worry. Everyone has a first time. I promise I'll be gentle." It was soothing and she was nervous. It was her first time, and she really didn't want him to know, but it wasn't something she could hide at a moment like this. She opened her eyes to see clear brown eyes looking down at her, like the color of tea, and equally as comforting.

"I love you, Kaidan." The words flowed from her mouth as if she had been saying them her whole life. He smiled down at her as he maneuvered his body to join them together. She closed her eyes in anticipation of the sensation of union, and his lips met hers. _This is like a dream._

Shepard sat up in her bed. She was alone. She felt the flush in her face as she tried to calm her body. Her omni-tool said it had only been 3 hours since she went to bed. She got up and walked to the bathroom, thinking some cold water on her face should help. As she left her quarters, she was relieved to see that Kaidan's workstation was empty. _When did I start calling him by his first name?_

Shepard admitted to herself that she hadn't been able to get the night at Flux out of her mind, but she knew the implications of getting involved with a fellow soldier, let alone a subordinate. They were assigned together now, but who knows what would come in a few months? A soldier's life isn't guaranteed for 24 hours, and it didn't matter if he did care about her. It would be better to not get involved than to lose him should the worst happen. _Hell, he could die just like Jenkins._

She reached the bathroom and it was locked and occupied. As she leaned against the bulkhead to wait, the door slid open. Right there stood Kaidan Alenko. Their eyes met. Shepard felt like a rumpled mess in her standard issue sweats and bedhead. Kaidan, on the other hand, was magnificent. His black hair was damp, and he smelled lightly of soap. He was rubbing a towel across his face, and she could tell he had just shaved.

Much as she tried, she couldn't escape his gaze. His eyes brought back every feeling from her dream that she was trying to escape. A flush crept back upon her face. With a quick, "Alenko," she bolted to the bathroom and jumped into the coldest shower she could stand.

HIS

Kaidan stepped out of the bathroom only to be met by the deep green eyes of Shepard. This time she didn't immediately look away, as she had been doing for days since their dance at Flux. Her gaze lingered, and he saw some color appear on her face. He opened his mouth to say something, and Shepard ran to the bathroom and locked the door.

He hated how he had let his body take over when she was close to him. It had been the invisible elephant in the room every time they were in the same part of the ship. He could have sworn he saw Ash whispering to Joker during lunch yesterday. He knew they were talking about Shepard and him.

Mental chastisement was something Kaidan knew well. A soldier had to have a disciplined mind as well as body. _But I let it all go at Flux. I might as well have put up a big neon sign saying "Shepard, I want your body," and had a bed in the middle of the club._ Most of the time, his mind was able to overcome his struggles, but this time was different.

Kaidan reached his sleeping pod and climbed in. The shade darkened and he knew he was alone with his thoughts. He had been exhausted, and was grateful when he finally finished his work and got a quick shower before bed. Shepard changed that. His mind was alight with thoughts of her.

He thought back to how she looked in the hall by the bathroom. _Standard issue sweats, the shirt draped to one side showing one bare shoulder, meaning she wasn't wearing a bra._ Kaidan's throat tightened at the thought. He imagined sliding that shirt over her head and exposing her breasts. Then he couldn't control it anymore, and he let his mind started playing out a scenario.

Shepard straightened up and stared directly into his eyes. "Kaidan, I need you. Now," she said breathlessly as she closed the distance between them. She pushed him back into the bathroom, and locked the door. He grabbed her body and their mouths crushed together in passion. A slight gasp of surprise and pleasure escaped from her lips. Her hands ran through his hair and his slid up under her shirt, feeling the smooth skin of her back. Their lips separated and Shepard quickly ducked out of her shirt leaving it on Kaidan's hands.

He dropped the shirt and pulled his own off in one fluid motion. Shepard pressed her bare chest to his, and their lips met again. Wandering hands met with more items of clothing that were promptly removed. Now he was naked and she was only wearing a pair of regulation gray underwear.

"Come on." Shepard turned on the shower and stepped into the water. Water rolled provocatively over every curve on her body. Kaidan pinned her against the wall, water flowing over both of them. His right hand slid down the slope of her hips and his thumb caught the waist of her underwear, pulling them gently down. He looked down and her and she at him, her eyes full of desire. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he lifted her, pulling her legs around his waist, her back still against the wall. He couldn't wait any more.

"Do it, Kaidan," she pleaded.

"Oh God, Shepard," as he slid into her.

"Don't call me Shepard. Call me…..Call me…."

"Goddamnit!" Kaidan hissed in his sleeping pod. "I don't even know her first name!"

He rolled onto his stomach and tried to ignore the pleadings of the rest of his body.


	8. Risk

**A/N: Sorry about how much of a rewrite of the game this chapter is. It was important to include. Thank yous go out to all my new followers and to tccarty and Jules Hawk for your encouraging words and reviews! You guys are making this so fun for this FF virgin!**

HERS

"Scuttlebutt says he's sweet on someone else," Ash said knowingly into a vid call, when Shepard overheard Ash's sister gush over a certain lieutenant.

After Ash's little revelation on Kaidan's feelings for her, Shepard had an even harder time keeping the dark haired man off her mind. In fact, she decided to stop trying. Plus, Anderson had recommended Kaidan so highly as a sounding board. She was finally going to take his advice.

As much as Shepard respected and admired Anderson, she never liked how hands off he was with the crew. Shepard decided to rectify that by having a typical debriefing with the team, but then go seek out personal opinions afterward. The crew was in this for an unknown amount of time and she wanted them to not only trust her as their commander, but also as a friend.

_This is a good idea_, Shepard told herself, as she nervously stood in the elevator to the crew deck. _It'll give me a chance to test out Ash's theory too. If she's wrong, then I can finally put this craziness about him to rest._

Kaidan had moved his workstation from the cockpit to beside the sleeping area and the mess. He had asked her permission about the move not long after she took command, saying it kept him close to the med bay. Dr. Chakwas had told Shepard he was an L2, so she knew about his migraines.

The elevator door hissed open, masking Shepard's sighing breath. _Why the hell am I so nervous? I talk to men every day._ Steeling herself, she walked directly to his station.

"Lieutenant, do you have a few minutes to talk?" He turned to look at her, and his eyes said everything Ash said was true.

HIS

In the debriefing room, Kaidan fidgeted uncomfortably as he listened to their asari teammate, Dr. Liara T'Soni, compliment Shepard. He had seen them join minds so Liara could try to decipher the visions from the Prothean beacon. It looked intimate, and he was undeniably jealous.

Back at his station, he went through his usual routine, trying desperately not to notice when Liara walked to the back of the med bay. _I wonder what she saw in Shepard's mind. Was there a place with me in it?_ He thought back on to what Joker had said. _Could Shepard possibly, remotely, be interested in me?_

Kaidan decided that he needed to press his luck with her. His chance came quickly when Shepard approached him.

"Lieutenant, do you have a few minutes to talk?" Her voice was soft, almost apprehensive.

"I was hoping for a chance to speak with you," he said, all too honestly. He warned her about cutting corners on the mission and to leave herself a way out.

"I've seen what cutting corners can do, and I'd hate to have that happen to you, Shepard." _Shit._

Her eyebrows rose, "That's not the appropriate way to address your commanding officer, Lieutenant."

"Sorry, ma'am," Kaidan said lamely. "Maybe I got a bad signal- if there's someone else you'd rather confide in. Ma'am." _Knew it. She'd rather be with Liara. I'm a damn fool. _

"Are you talking about our young Prothean expert?" Shepard questioned.

Kaidan knew he had shot himself with this honesty, but he saw no reason to lie now. "Uh, yeah, lower deck rumors say she's interested in more than just your, uh, mind, ma'am." The words just fumbled out of his lips and he couldn't stop them now. "She's a very interesting lady, but not to my tastes. I was never really big into alien culture."

Shepard continued to look at him with a look denoting, was she _amused_ by this?

"You seem awfully worried about my personal affairs." _She sure knows how to cut to the heart of the matter, goddamnit. I've got to cover my ass now._

"It's just we don't have a lot of down time. I like being around you," Kaidan said as coolly as he could. "I just don't want to waste your personal time."

"There's nothing between Liara and me. What's your real issue, Kaidan?" Relief and fear rushed through Kaidan's body. He really did have a point about cutting corners, so he decided to make it by opening up to her about his Vyrnnus and his time at BAaT.

"Why are you telling me this? Do you think I'm cutting corners?" Shepard started to eye him suspiciously.

"I'm saying it's probably inevitable that you'll have to, and I want to be there to help you. When someone important to you is near the ledge, you have to help them not make a mistake a kid would."

Her expression softened. "Important, huh?"

Kaidan knew his hand was shown and all his chips were on the table. "If I'm out of line, just say the word." His words hung in the air.

"You're not out of line, Kaidan," Shepard smiled. Then she added quickly, "But there are regs."

Kaidan knew something came out of his mouth just then, but all he could see was the light of mutual attraction shining in her eyes.


	9. Lunch

**A/N: Here's a nice fluffy one for you :) Thank you to my new followers and favorites! You guys seriously bring a huge smile to my face! Um, sort of off topic though...I found a fabulously done Shenko video on YouTube. Let me know and I'll send you the link! :) Enjoy, review!**

HERS

Shepard hated meal times. She always had so much to do, and meals were just an inconvenient, yet necessary, interruption. _Being a damn biotic isn't all it's cracked up to be. Amazing phenomenal powers and a faster than light speed metabolism to go with it._

However, it had been hours since she even had a protein bar as a snack and her growling stomach was relentless. Getting up from her desk, she walked to the mess. The mess hall chef was standing there, smirking as usual. _I swear that woman is some kind of masochist_. _She loves to torture us, _Shepard thought as she stared at the stuff was supposedly passing for food.

Sitting down at the table, Shepard sighed and resigned herself to the fate of eating this, whatever it was.

"May I join you, ma'am?" a smoky voice asked. It was Kaidan. Shepard nodded stupidly, her mouth full of food. _Sexy, Rachel. Show him how full you can stuff your cheeks. It's definitely the way to win a man's heart._

Kaidan sat down beside her at the crowded table, his face registering the same disgust she had. "You'd think the Alliance could afford better rations than this. I mean, are we the pride of the fleet or not? You'd think we were on a garbage scowl, and this was our cargo." he said, jokingly.

Shepard smirked and tried to laugh, but she was still chewing, so instead it came out as a loud snort. She clapped her hands to her mouth, and her face went red. Kaidan chuckled and scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably. _Oh my God, he thinks I'm a pig._

"If you don't mind, ma'am, a little advice. Something my mom told me. Never let yourself be embarrassed alone." Then Kaidan proceeded to smear a mashed potato-like substance on his nose, looking at her as seriously as possible. A wide grin came to Shepard's face.

Their eyes caught, and she forgot all about being embarrassed. It was then she noticed how close they were sitting. She could feel the warmth of his thigh touching hers, she noticed her implant humming and her stomach twirled.

"Hey L-T, got something on your face there!" Ash's resounding voice broke through. She sat down across from them and heartily laughed. "You might need a napkin."

"Here, I've got one," smiled Shepard, handing it to him. He gently took it, his fingers brushing hers. A thrill ran through her again. _I want to know what it's like to touch him willingly. I'm going to leave my hand right here in my lap. This is so junior high, but God, I need this._

Shepard's left hand stayed in her lap, never quite daring to move further to her left to where Kaidan's right arm was. Shepard, Kaidan and Ash continued eating and talking. Ash told an off-color joke about Garrus and a batarian. Shepard laughed, but Kaidan shifted where he sat. He moved his arm only to brush hers right above her wrist. He stopped, and his touch lingered, his thumb making a slight pass over her forearm. His fingers moved toward hers until they were lightly touching. Shepard turned her wrist, and Kaidan laced his fingers with hers. _I want to stay here forever._ Lunch didn't look quite so bad anymore.

HIS

Kaidan saw Shepard standing in the mess line a few people in front of him. Without trying to be obvious, he watched her stroll to the table and sit down. _She is so goddamn fine._

"Hey sweetie, meal's over here. You want dessert? Well, that's your business," the mess hall chef guffawed, looking over toward Shepard. Kaidan glared and took the tray. The chef's snarky attitude was quickly forgotten when he stood beside his commander.

"May I join you, ma'am?" He remembered protocol. Kaidan was encouraged by his last interaction with Shepard, but he still knew regulations ruled. When Shepard nodded, he sat beside her, ignoring the empty seat across from her. He was feeling bold.

Kaidan looked at his food and his stomach heaved. "You'd think the Alliance could afford better rations than this. I mean, are we the pride of the fleet or not? You'd think we were on a garbage scowl, and this was our cargo." He was hoping to get a good laugh from Shepard, instead she gave a loud snort. _I've embarrassed her…I've got to make her not feel stupid._ He looked down at his tray did the first thing that came into his head. He picked up a fingertip full of potatoes.

Kaidan cleared his throat, "If you don't mind, ma'am, a little advice. Something my mom told me. Never let yourself be embarrassed alone," and smeared potatoes on his nose. The smile that crossed her face was intoxicating. He smiled in return, forgetting the mess he had made.

"Hey L-T, got something on your face there!" Ash's unwelcome voice bellowed. _Now I feel like a dumbass._ "You might need a napkin."

"Here, I've got one," Shepard quietly chortled. His fingers felt a small shock when they brushed hers. Ash sat down and Kaidan was slightly annoyed by her presence. _You can never get alone on this ship._

"Ok, guys, Adams told me this joke and I have to tell you. What's the difference between a batarian and Garrus? One has a spiky dick and the other is a dick with spikes!" Ash rolled with laughter. Kaidan looked at Shepard who burst out laughing as well. _How does Adams know anything about batarians?_ The thought made Kaidan fidget uncomfortably.

His eyes glanced down ever so quickly to see that his hand was now touching Shepard's arm. _Should I remove my hand? Should I try to hold hers? Should I apologize? Am I breathing?_

His hand slid gently down, and without a look or an acknowledgement, her wrist turned and accepted his touch. He slipped his fingers in with hers. _This has to be right. Her hand fits mine. Regs be damned._


	10. Birthday

**A/N: To the reviewer wondering about the crew seeing what was going on in the last chapter, I give you some clarification. J This is a long chapter, but a good one, I think. Enjoy!**

HERS

Shepard woke up and remembered what day it was. April 11th. Her birthday. They were still about 2 days out from Virmire, so it was a space day. A day of nothing but routine jobs. _Is it dumb that I still wish for a party and good time? No, I mean, we all have to let off some steam some time._

Shepard went up to the cockpit to see Joker. "Hey Commander!" he said, too cheerily. This immediately made her suspicious.

"Ok, Joker, spill it."

"Spill what?"

"Are you guys planning something for today?"

"Um, no. Do you have plans for today? With a certain lieutenant? Hmm?" Joker looked at her with a smarmy smile.

"No-no, why would I?" Shepard stammered, being caught off guard by the question.

"Oh, I don't know. The ship is just abuzz with a certain incident that happened about a week ago." Jokers eyes wandered around the cockpit, then looked directly at Shepard. "In the mess. During lunch. In front of Ash." He cocked an eyebrow._ Shit! People saw? Shit! Shit! Shit!_

A calm demeanor fell over Shepard's face. Inside, she feared the worst. "So are you here to tell me about regulations and relieve me of duty?"

"Hell, no, Commander!" Joker laughed. "I guess I'll be the one to tell you the crew has kind of decided to ignore it. Kind of feel like you deserve it, you know, for dealing with all the shit with Saren. Everyone needs some happiness somewhere. And to be honest, God, I don't know if I can deal with Kaidan anymore like this. The guy needs laid, _badly._"

"Um, I'll take that under advisement," Shepard choked. _So a door has opened, sort of. Do I take it or do duty and regulations take priority?_

She made her way back to her quarters to continue to prepare for Virmire. This mission was an unknown and a lot needed to be investigated. Before she reached her console, she saw a small box on her desk with a note.

_Happy birthday, Hope you like this –K_

She opened the box and there was an OSD. On the side were the words "Blasto's Revenge." It was the new Blasto movie and it hadn't even been released to the public yet! She burst out of her quarters and ran to Kaidan.

"Oh my GOD! THANK YOU!" She leaped into his arms and wrapped her legs around him. "This is the BEST birthday present EVER! How did you know? How did you get this?"

Kaidan's eyes were wide with surprise, but before he could open his mouth to say anything, Shepard hit the shipwide comm on his console. "Attention _Normandy _crew. Some of you may know that today is my birthday, and since we are on a space day, commander's prerogative, we are going to have a party. I have the new Blasto movie and we'll be screening it after dinner in the mess at 1900. I know you all have contraband alcohol on board, so bring it out. And Joker, I know where each of your three large stashes are, and if you don't bring them out, I'll write you up for insubordination."

Shepard looked back at Kaidan. "This is going to be so great! Now, to get Mess Chef Jennings to bring out real food for a change." And she was off.

The crew happily obliged Shepard and before she knew it, bottles were lined up along the mess hall table. Shepard allowed them to start drinking with their dinner, which ended up being surprisingly good. It didn't take long for her to start to feel tipsy though. Excitement for the movie and the hum of alcohol in her veins made her giddy. _Alcohol always makes Blasto better._

The crew settled in to watch the movie, and Shepard found a place by Kaidan, who kind of looked like he had a migraine. Try as she might, Shepard started feeling sleepy. Right as Blasto was "enkindling" an asari spy, she fell asleep against Kaidan's shoulder.

When she awoke, she was back in her quarters in her bed. Her head was pounding, but she remembered having a dream about Kaidan. She wished she could remember.

HIS

Kaidan smiled down at the small box in his hand. It was a fortuitous turn of events that led him to this.

On their last stop at the Citadel, Shepard had sent him to the markets to pick up supplies and upgrades. He was near a stairwell when he heard a voice calling his name. "Lieutantant Kaidan Alenko! Hey, come here! I have something for you!" A man was waving.

"Hi! I'm sorry, you probably don't know me. I'm Conrad Verner. I'll be honest I'm one of Commander Shepard's biggest fans. I saw you on the news vids at her Spectre initiation ceremony. Wow! You must be so honored to serve with an amazing woman like that."

"Yes, I am. What can I do for you?" This guy was creeping Kaidan out.

"Well, I work as a prop designer for a movie company, and I had the best job ever a few months ago! I make armor for the actors and actresses in action movies. Anyway, I sure you know Commander Shepard loves Blasto movies, and I did the work for the newest one 'Blasto's Revenge.' The director liked my armor a lot. He said it looked really authentic. I just try to imagine how Shepard would look in it and the designs just come to me," Conrad gushed.

"Ha, just listen to me go on," continued Conrad. "Anyway, I know you know the commander's birthday is on April 11th, and I just got my advance copy of the movie. My wife told me it would make a great gift for Shepard, but I'm never going to get close enough to do that. Could you give it to her? I mean, you can say it's from you or the crew or whatever. I'll be happy just knowing that she got it and she can see my work." Conrad handed Kaidan an OSD.

"Thanks, I'm sure Commander Shepard will really appreciate it," Kaidan said genuinely.

That minute, Kaidan's mind worked up a plan. He was going to have his first date with Shepard. He would give her the box, secretly, and when she came to say thank you, he would suggest they watch it together in her quarters. He knew, after holding her hand in the mess, they needed to discuss what they were doing together, and where it was going.

Kaidan went to a grocery on the Citadel and bought some Peruvian whiskey, which he liked, and some other delicacies, because there was no way he was going to even try to serve her any of the crap from the mess hall kitchen.

Coming back to the present and smiling in satisfaction over a well-thought out plan, Kaidan looked around and quickly went to Shepard's quarters and placed the box on her desk. He went back to work and eagerly anticipated the evening.

He saw Shepard return to her quarters, and it took all of about a minute for her to burst back out.

"Oh my GOD! THANK YOU! This is the BEST birthday present EVER! How did you know? How did you get this?" Shock flooded Kaidan. He did not expect this big of a display. His mouth fell open as her body wrapped around his. Before he could get a word out, Shepard had already climbed down off him and announced a party to the whole ship. _What are you DOING? This is not how it was supposed to go!_

Shepard pranced off to talk to the mess chef, and he began trying to think of some way to salvage the plan, but when he saw the crew start bringing bottles out to the mess, he knew it was screwed. Sighing, he pulled out the Peruvian whiskey and placed it on the table. _I guess another time._

Shepard reappeared in the mess at 1700 and told the crew that they could start drinking with their dinner, and she promptly opened Kaidan's bottle of whiskey and poured herself a shot. Throwing it down her throat, she shook her head and said, "This is great! Whoever brought it, don't tell me, but you have good taste! I think this bottle is mine."

Kaidan went to get his dinner, and feared what he would see. When he did, he felt sick. It was the food he had bought on the Citadel and thought he had hidden in the back of the freezer.

"Hey sweetheart, don't look so ill. Grub's good tonight. Apparently, the Alliance doesn't like us to find the good stuff. It was shoved in the back!" Jennings snickered.

Kaidan couldn't eat, and he definitely couldn't drink with the rest of the crew. Shepard, on the other hand, was having a great time. _Maybe that moment holding hands was just that, a moment. A small indiscretion and now she's over it._

Shepard was already quite intoxicated when she came and sat down by him as the movie started. He tried to ignore the way she was touching him. Her hands kept alternating between resting on his shoulder and slapping his thigh when she saw something funny. She kept whispering loudly to him through the first half of the movie.

Suddenly, she became quiet, and he looked over. Shepard was asleep. Warily, he moved his arm up behind her on the chair. When he did, he caught Joker's eyes. The pilot raised his eyebrows encouragingly, and Kaidan placed his arm around Shepard, who sighed and snuggled into his chest. Kaidan smiled.

When the movie ended, Kaidan used his arm to help Shepard to stand. "Commander, it's time for bed."

Shepard stumbled, and Kaidan caught her. _I guess I'm going to have to help her walk._

"You are nice, Kaidan," Shepard slurred as he helped her back up.

"Thank you, ma'am. Let's get you to bed," said Kaidan, opening her door.

The door closed behind them with a hiss, and Shepard became alert.

"Kaidan, what are you doing in my room?" She demanded, still highly intoxicated.

Kaidan eyed her. "I, uh, was just helping you get back to your room safely." He sat her on the bed.

"Oh." Shepard seemed satisfied with the answer. "You are very nice, Lt. Kaidan Alenko. Kai-dan A-len-ko." Shepard drew out the words. "I love you, Kaidan Alenko."

He had been taking off her boots and stopped when she said this. _She's just drunk and doesn't mean any of it._ He finished with her boot and stood up.

"Kaidan, I mean it." Shepard unsteadily wrapped her arms around his waist. "I want to marry you, and we will have sex and make babies and they will look like you and I will be Commander Alenko. Commander Rachel Alenko. That is what I'll be," she said resolutely, all the while slurring.

_Her first name is Rachel! Gorgeous._ Kaidan couldn't help but admire her beauty even while she wasn't in the best state. He laid her back on her pillow, and covered her up. She snuggled in and closed her eyes.

"I would give up my post for you, Kaidan. I would give up my life. I love you," Shepard said sleepily.

Kaidan walked away, smiling. "I love you too, Rachel Shepard," he whispered.


	11. Making Priorities

**A/N: This chapter is sad, but must be addressed. Also a little background on Shepard. I had this whole big story about Kaidan as well, but couldn't make it work. Maybe later!**

HERS

Shepard threw her armor across her quarters angrily. She let the door close behind her and sank to floor against it, tears streaming down her face. _Ash is gone. And it is my fault._

She was exhausted and undressed and climbed into bed. Sleep was a distant friend, however, and her mind whirled with activity. Akuze came back to haunt her.

Shepard kissed Cpl. Aaron Hayes quickly, her eyes glistening. He caught her by the waist and pulled her into a storage building. His kiss was deep and hungry. She knew what he wanted and she wanted him as well. He was supposed to be in the barracks getting some sleep, but she was supposed to be on night patrol. Akuze was fairly boring, and Shepard was never entirely sure why they were there. She was glad when this blond, blue eyed boy started paying her a little attention.

He really wasn't a boy at all. He was 26, and she was 23, but Shepard had never had a real relationship before. Her life as a Navy brat spacer kid kept relationships at an arm's length. She had stolen a few kisses as a teenager, but nothing more ever was able to come of them. There wasn't enough time. In the sense of physical relationships, Shepard was as green and virginal as they come, but she was excited that Aaron was going to change all that.

He was in sweats, so getting undressed was pretty easy. She looked at Aaron's wiry frame. She had never wanted anything so much in her life. Now it was here, finally. Aaron apparently had taken the time earlier to lay out a blanket on the floor, so he must have been planning this. Taking off her armor, Shepard smiled as they lay together on the blanket.

Suddenly, the ground began to shake. Aaron quickly threw his pants back on and told Shepard to wait there. He ran outside. Shepard heard shouting and an ungodly roar from something. Without thinking or caring that she was still nude, she ran to the door of building, clutching the blanket, only to see a thresher maw attacking their camp.

Venom spewed from its mouth and dissolved dozens of her comrades right before her eyes. Shepard's mind moved quickly. She ran to the Mako on the west side of the camp. She stayed behind the buildings to keep from the maw's spray. She saw other soldiers attacking with grenades and guns, but their numbers were dwindling quickly.

Before she reached the Mako, the maw withdrew underground and then came back up about 20 feet away. The force threw Shepard forward into some farming equipment they had been using to grow food, giving her stomach a nasty gash and hitting her face as well.

Shepard climbed into the Mako and took off to try to flank the animal. She began firing the guns, missiles, anything that would kill it. When it finally fell, adrenaline left her body and she passed out from exhaustion and blood loss. More than a day later, she was found by Alliance troops, still inside the Mako, still naked. No one ever asked her or cared why she was naked, and only Shepard knew because the rest of her camp was gone. It was then she determined not to let another man take her from her duty as a soldier. Aaron's death pushed her away from relationships; Ash's death showed her the importance of them. _This is why I have to be with Kaidan, regs or no regs, duty or no duty. It can all end so quickly. He could be gone tomorrow too, just like Aaron._

HIS

Lying in the med bay bed, his side aching and his mind reeling, he tried to think of some way to justify Shepard's actions on Virmire. He had seen how close she and Ashley got as friends. He didn't really know why she had chosen to save him, but she did. _Was that drunken confession really something after all? I don't want to be the reason Ash died._

"You can go now, Kaidan. Be gentle with yourself. Lay off the biotics for a day or so," Dr. Chakwas said gently.

"Yes, ma'am." Kaidan gingerly made his way up to the cockpit. Joker needed a friend today.

"Hey, Joker, I'm sorry about Ash…,"Kaidan began saying.

"Oh, _you're_ sorry? You got to live. It was you or her and Shepard chose you. I feel pretty goddamn stupid for even encouraging you two." The pain in Joker's voice was apparent, but his implications landed hard on Kaidan.

"What are you saying?" he asked incredulously. "You'd rather me be dead?"

"Yeah, I mean, no! I mean….shit, this is so hard." Joker began to cry. "It isn't your fault about Ash. There could have been a way out for her, but it just wasn't meant to be. I just really thought we had something, you know? I can see that with you and Shepard and it isn't fair. I know that I'm not helping anything for myself by saying this, but Kaidan, you could still die tomorrow. Shepard could die tomorrow. You don't get second chances. Take the chance while you have one left. There's no such thing as regulations when you find someone that you can really...,"Joker's voice grew soft, "someone you can really love."

_Maybe I'm not the reason Ash died, but we are the reason I lived._ Kaidan could live with that.


	12. Swing and a Miss

**A/N: Thank you to my new followers and favorites! Yay! We are getting to the good stuff! Enjoy and review!**

HERS

This week was really not going Shepard's way and she was pissed. First, Virmire went to hell in a handbasket and she lost one of the best female friends she had ever had. Second, the Council pulled a fast one and seemed to promise some real support against Saren then backed out. Third, then Udina locked the _Normandy_ down when they reached the Citadel. _And now, goddamnit, I can't get this shitty locker open._

Shepard punched the locker and slumped to the floor, rubbing her knuckles. _Too bad that locker wasn't Udina's face, son-of-a-bitch._ She looked up and saw Kaidan standing there. He looked surprisingly not worried.

"Commander, are you all right? Or maybe I should ask is the locker ok?" he smiled. "We're still under Alliance authority, not the Council. Anderson has your back too. There's got to be a way to appeal."

Shepard looked at the floor. "All official channels are closed. They made that quite clear."

"Closed. And we're supposed to accept that?" Kaidan's expression had changed. Now he looked irritated. "So where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out, we may as well have a good seat." _He's so cute when he's mad._

"Kaidan, we're not out of this yet. We'll think of something. I just need to figure things out." _Damn, I wish I had a real plan. Udina, you stupid piss ant! Give me back my goddamn ship! _Anger welled up inside Shepard. _I hate feeling stuck._

"If I can be of any help, let me know," Kaidan said softly. "I hope I'm not out of line saying that." _So marine Poster Boy would really do something against authority?_ Evil and lustful thoughts began creeping into Shepard's brain, and she decided to take this conversation in that lascivious direction.

"Are you always this cautious with a sure thing?" Shepard's smile held more than a simple friendly look.

"Yeah, you know I am. I always leave a way out." Uncertainty crossed Kaidan's face. "I'm here for you, but this is a tough spot, and I don't want to muddy things." _What kind of "things" would he be talking about? I'm pretty sure I'm as clear as a fucking crystal. I want your body._

Kaidan closed his eyes and shook his head. "Not like things were all that clear to start with. I mean, are we the pride of the fleet or not? Are we valued agents or just peons?" _So I guess he wasn't talking about "things" between us. Aw, hell. I can't catch a break this week._ The anger came back.

"I'm sick of it too, goddamnit. Maybe we need to take a little initiative."

A smirk appeared on Kaidan's lips. "You have something up your sleeve, Shepard? What am I saying? When don't you? That's what I lo—appreciate about you." A faint blush rose in his cheeks. _Holy shit! Love?_

"Careful," said Shepard playfully. "When this is over I might pay more attention to what you say."

Kaidan chuckled, "So it's back to business after playing with me. You're something else, you know?"

He held out his hand to help her up. Shepard tripped over her own foot, and landed against Kaidan's chest. She straightened up and felt Kaidan's hands slide to her waist. His smouldering gaze caught her eyes. She couldn't deny him or herself anymore. Her face moved closer to his and she could feel his breath. Shepard's mind went blank as her whole body tuned toward the physical experience.

"Sorry to interrupt, Commander," Joker's voice broke in. "Got a message from Captain Anderson."

_God. Damn. It! Fuck you, Joker. I cannot catch a damn break._

HIS

The _Normandy_ was pretty much empty. _Being locked down means no one can really do anything except take some shore leave on the Citadel._ Kaidan walked down to the crew deck to get his credit chit. Joker had asked him to go blow some money with him at Flux.

As he rounded the corner, he heard a crash and saw Shepard sit on the floor by her locker in a huff. _Even when she's mad, she's beautiful._

"Commander, are you all right?" Kaidan thought he should play it safe with protocol in case anyone was on the ship still. "Or maybe I should ask is the locker ok? We're still under Alliance authority, not the Council. Anderson has your back too. There's got to be a way to appeal."

Shepard looked dejected. "All official channels are closed. They made that quite clear."

"Closed. And we're supposed to accept that?" Now Kaidan was angry. He had seen enough to believe in Shepard. "So where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out, we may as well have a good seat."

"Kaidan, we're not out of this yet. We'll think of something. I just need to figure things out." _Does she mean we like her and me, or just we as in the crew….Kaidan, this is important! Focus!_ But he couldn't completely.

"If I can be of any help, let me know. I hope I'm not out of line saying that." _I would like to help you out of your clothes…_

"Are you always this cautious with a sure thing?" Shepard's gaze when right through him, and Kaidan felt like his thoughts were exposed. _Back to business!_

"Yeah, you know I am. I always leave a way out." _Please don't think I'm trying to find a way out from you! _"I'm here for you, but this is a tough spot, and I don't want to muddy things." _What the hell am I saying? She's the only thing making my life clear!_

Kaidan closed his eyes and shook his head, angry at his internal struggle. "Not like things were all that clear to start with. I mean, are we the pride of the fleet or not? Are we valued agents or just peons?"

Shepard's voice was terse. "I'm sick of it too, goddamnit. Maybe we need to take a little initiative."

Her anger made Kaidan smile and flirtation crept into his words. "You have something up your sleeve, Shepard? What am I saying? When don't you? That's what I lo—appreciate about you." _Well played, Alenko. Shit._

"Careful. When this is over I might pay more attention to what you say." _Hey, this conversation is getting good. Time to turn on the charm._

Kaidan chuckled, "So it's back to business after playing with me. You're something else, you know?"

He held out his hand, because after all, his mom did raise him to be a gentleman. Shepard took it and tripped into his arms, her head leaning against his chest. _Breathe, Kaidan. This is nothing._

She straightened up, and seemed to move her body closer to his. Kaidan moved his hands to her waist and gazed at her face, looking for a small sign of approval. _Trying to kiss your CO? Maybe you aren't such a gentleman after all._ He found it when her eyes wouldn't leave his, until they softly closed. His eyes did the same as his lips waited to feel hers on them.

"Sorry to interrupt, Commander," Joker's voice was like a knife in the back. "Got a message from Captain Anderson."

Kaidan was going to make sure Joker was broke in more ways than one.


	13. Kiss

**A/N: Who loves filling in the gaps of gameplay? Me! So freaking satisfying. In my headcanon, Shepard could not have just gone from flirting to the bedroom. Has to be a progression. FYI, I love you guys for sticking with me! Next chapter, Ilos!**

HERS

Kaidan left the ship with Joker, and Shepard was pretty sure he was now just as pissed off as she was. She had to get to Anderson and find out what was up his sleeve. _There's got to be some way to get the _Normandy _airborne again. We have to get to Ilos._

As Shepard looked for Anderson in Flux, she tried not to remember what had happened the last time she was there. _Kaidan's body, hot and sweaty, smelling so fine…arrgh!_ An audible noise came from her mouth and a vexed look crossed her face.

"Shepard, you ok? I know this isn't going the way you planned." Anderson then filled her on the plan. After convincing him to break in to Udina's computer to get the _Normandy_ free, she told Anderson she wanted to give the crew a bit of time to relax first.

"It's all going to go to hell as soon as we get to Ilos. Saren will not make it easy on us."

"That he won't, Shepard. You just let me know when you are ready to go," Anderson agreed.

Shepard turned around to leave, eyes wandering the club. She saw Joker and Kaidan on the top level playing on the quasar machines. She made a stop at the bar and threw down a drink to steel her confidence. Anger and frustration moved Shepard's legs toward the pair. _Maybe I should go give Joker a boot in the ass for earlier today._

"Hey Shepard, what's the plan?" Joker asked. "We saw you talking to Anderson."

"He's going to unlock the ship through Udina's computer, but right now, you can have some free time. Alenko, you and I have some business to attend to," the authoritative Commander Shepard said.

"Sure, Commander," Kaidan looked at her nervously.

When they got outside the club, she started to talk without looking at him. "Kaidan, we have run into a little problem."

"Problem, ma'am?"

"Make that two. We will address them when we get to where we are going." Shepard walked on with determination…determination to find a quiet and lonesome location on the Citadel. _A near impossible task._

After about 20 minutes of silent searching, she found a lonely corner and stopped. She turned and looked straight at Kaidan, her eyes stern.

"First problem, quit calling me Commander, Shepard, ma'am and whatever else you think is right. My name is Rachel, and you know me well enough to use it. Second," she said softly as she stepped in close, "we never got a chance to finish this."

She pulled his face towards hers and their lips finally met. For a brief moment, she couldn't hear anything except the roar of her heart pounding. His lips felt as good as she had imagined. Soft, warm and full.

When she felt the tip of his tongue brush her top lip, desire flooded her body. _This area isn't alone enough._ She opened her mouth more to let him explore, but he broke the kiss, grasping her shoulders tightly. Looking at him and breathing heavily, Shepard sighed, "I guess that means no." _Maybe it was too much to ask of him, to break rules for me._

"No, Shep- I mean, Rachel," Kaidan breathed out slowly, "It means we need to find some more problems of yours to deal with." His slow, sultry smile promised so many things.

"Oh, I have a few more…" She was interrupted by Kaidan pulling her lips back to his.

HIS

Kaidan still went to Flux with Joker and the whole time was trying to think how many ways he could rain hell down on the pilot. _I could throw him from the balcony. No, too obvious. Just a quick warp, knock him unconscious. Blame it on the booze. That's plausible._ Kaidan's mind simmered with possible causes of injury to Joker.

Joker looked up from his game and raised an eyebrow. "Look down there. I wonder what Anderson is telling Shepard. Do you think she's getting her ass handed to her? Shit, she looks pissed."

Kaidan leveled a look at the apparently oblivious pilot. "You don't say."

"What?" Joker laughed.

"You really don't know?" Sarcasm dripped from Kaidan's voice. "I was with her when you barked about Anderson's call. Hell, Joker, do you know wha—"

"Were you making out with the Commander?" Joker interrupted, slapping the other man's back. "Kaidan! I honestly thought you'd never grow the balls! Well done, Alenko!"

"Actually, no. You quite conveniently interrupted anything happening and then she promptly ran off. So which one of your balls would you like to lose?" Kaidan was smiling by now because there was no point in holding grudges.

Joker's attention was diverted when Shepard approached. "Hey Shepard, what's the plan? We saw you talking to Anderson."

Shepard was short. "He's going to unlock the ship through Udina's computer, but right now, you can have some free time. Alenko, you and I have some business to attend to."

Joker quietly whistled and said under his breath, "Wooo, somebody's pissed."

"Sure, Commander." Kaidan couldn't read through Shepard's expression.

"Kaidan, we have run into a little problem," she said as they left the club.

"Problem, ma'am?"

"Make that two. We will address them when we get to where we are going." _Great, this is where the big fraternization talk happens._

Shepard walked for what seemed like forever, taking at least 3 different elevators all over the Citadel. Kaidan felt like a disgraced child waiting to be punished. _She can punish me all day long._ Kaidan smirked. Then Shepard stopped. He looked around and they were nowhere. He was confused. She looked angry.

"First problem," she said sternly, "quit calling me Commander, Shepard, ma'am and whatever else you think is right. My name is Rachel, and you know me well enough to use it. Second, we never got a chance to finish this."

She grabbed his face and pulled their lip together. Kaidan's eyes were wide for a second, but closed in bliss. Shepard's lips had a faint flavor of whiskey, which he couldn't help but taste with his tongue as it glided across her top lip. Passion quickly began to overwhelm him and it made him grab her shoulders and pull them apart. _This may be an isolated place, but anyone can see._

Disappointment shadowed Shepard's face as she said, "So I guess that's means no."

Kaidan's mind and body screamed their disagreement, but he took measured breaths and spoke slowly. "No, Shep- I mean, Rachel. It means we need to find some more problems of yours to deal with." _God, I'm going to make this so worth it. She is worth it, every damn thing._

He slid his arms around her and kissed her again.


	14. Night

**A/N: This one is going to be a joint entry, well, because ;) Also, writing this breaks my poor little heart. I love Bioware, but then I hate them for giving me all these feels and then screwing the ending of ME3. I want biotic babies! I can't play anything else but Destroy, and then fangirl over Kaidan not hanging my name on the memorial wall. Damn you, Bioware!**

**Nonetheless, this was a joy to write still. So without further ado, Ilos! I hope you all enjoy and please review!**

HERS and HIS and a little of THEIRS

After breaking the _Normandy_ out of lockdown on the Citadel, a sense of freedom and urgency pervaded her crew. After their first kiss, Kaidan and Shepard felt a similar excitement, but theirs was tempered by decorum…somewhat.

They were only caught once by Garrus as he was waiting on the elevator so he could see if there was any leftover dextro-chocolate in the mess. That interesting quarian girl, Tali, seemed to like it, and he was pretty fond of it himself. The door opened and Garrus came face to face with a disheveled Shepard and a shame-faced Kaidan. Garrus' mandibles twitched. Shepard opened her mouth and tried to think of a quick lie, but the lip gloss on Kaidan's face was unexplainable.

Garrus held up his hand. "I'm not part of the Alliance. What you do is your business." _Spirits, you two, get a room. I'm glad turian ships don't mind some extracurricular activities._

Stepping out of the elevator, Shepard looked at Kaidan, and a devilish smile came across his face, as his eyes motioned toward the Mako. She shook her head no, and went to check on the guns, since Ashley was no longer around to do it. Kaidan turned and joined Garrus.

While working, Shepard's mind began contemplating what they would be expecting when they reached Ilos. Really no one knew_. What kind of resistance would there be? What exactly was the Conduit? How many crew wouldn't be coming back?_ Shepard shuddered at that last thought. She was bringing everyone home from now on, safe and sound.

Her omni-tool beeped and she saw that Council intelligence sent her some charts of Ilos and its ruins, albeit probably outdated. _Still, something to go on. At least I can work out a place to start._

They were still a few days out from Ilos and Shepard lost herself in her work. Taking Saren down and stopping the Reapers had to be the priority. Kaidan respected her space and worked on his and the rest of the team's tech, since he knew they'd likely be facing a lot of geth.

For days, Shepard locked herself in her quarters and only came out sporadically to use the bathroom or grab a plate of food, which she brought back into her room. Kaidan started to worry. One thing he loved about her was her attention to detail when it came to battle plans. She had taken his advice and always had another plan in case the first, second, or 15th didn't work out. However, he knew she was getting tired and was stressed, and fatigue spells doom to a soldier. _Biotics don't recharge as quickly, reaction times are slower._ Kaidan made up his mind to help her in whatever way he could.

His chance didn't come until the evening before they reached Ilos. Shepard made her usual walk to the mess, picked up a plate of food and walked back to her quarters. This time she forgot to lock the door. He seized the opportunity.

The door hissed open and shut. Kaidan saw Shepard's back straighten in surprise.

"Commander." Kaidan smiled; he wanted to get a rise out of her.

Turning around, Shepard glared at him. "Kaidan, I thought I told you we were past these titles."

She saw the smile on his face and her features softened. "Rachel," he said softly, "I'm worried about you. You've been in here for days with nothing but work as a companion. That can't be good for you."

"Kaidan, I appreciate the concern, but right now, there's a whole galaxy's safety riding on what happens tomorrow."

"So you're just going to take this on alone? I thought I told you, well, that I'm here for you. Here to help you, and after everything recently, I just…" His voice trailed off.

"Kaidan, we are here to get the job done. We can't lose sight of that."

"You're right, Rachel. I just think about tomorrow and how everything could go like it did at Virmire. The thought of losing you…I just can't stand it. Indulge me for a few moments. Let me help you ease some stress. Anything. I want you to know when this is all over, things will be different. I plan on seeing this through, but for now, it has been an honor serving with you." He closed the distance between them. His lips were on her forehead while he still spoke.

"Hey, I'm not dead and neither are you." Shepard took Kaidan's hand into hers. "Don't act like this is ending. Bunk with me tonight. I need you." _Fuck the regs._

"Is that an order, Commander?" Kaidan smirked, and wrapped his arms around her.

A sultry smile eased across Shepard's face. "Damn straight, it is. Lieutenant. Now, if you don't get yourself out of those fatigues and into my bed in one minute, I'll write you up for insubordination," she purred, pulling her hair from its bun and letting it fall over her shoulders down to her mid-back.

Kaidan was about to say, "Yes, ma'am," but his lips were suddenly locked with hers. Shepard loved his touch. She had never been touched by another biotic before Kaidan and the harmony of their dark energy moving through her body was unlike anything she had ever known. Her body felt alive and so in tune with his that she wondered if he could read her thoughts because she felt like she could see his, in full color.

She felt his lips move from hers to her neck, and then he looked at her in a steamy gaze. "Yes, Rachel. I can. Some human biotics have developed a sort of telepathy with other biotics, kind of like the asari. It isn't well known yet, but…"

"You avoided other biotics for fear of having them in your mind," Shepard searched his eye as she slowly finished his thought.

"Right, I-well, I wasn't sure if it was real until we touched while dancing in Flux. I knew why you ran; you were afraid of me, but that was all I could see. I'm not sure exactly how it works except it's a mental bonding and has to be developed, usually mutually. I think that's why it works for both of us now. Before, we always had something in the way, a mental block, and humans can't just open their minds. We need…" Kaidan's voice lowered and he stroked her hair. "We need physical touch."

Shepard was leaning against Kaidan's chest while he spoke, absorbing the words before he even spoke them. She trembled at the intimacy, not wanting to rush the moment. She wanted him badly, but to stand silently with him just holding her, feeling his feelings of desire along with hers as their minds communed, was just as erotic. Suddenly, she felt insecurity from him, and she looked up into his eyes.

"Are you sure about this?" said Kaidan. "I know that you've never—"

"Kaidan, I've waited 29 damn years for this night, for you. The Reapers themselves cannot stop this. In fact, I goddamn dare them to." A fire of defiance flared in Shepard's eyes.

That was all it took for Kaidan to forget gentility as he crushed his mouth to hers. His hands roughly untucked her shirt and slid his and under to get a touch of smooth skin. "Take it off," Shepard breathed raggedly. Kaidan complied and lifted her shirt over her head. She smiled and pulled at his. "Your turn."

For a moment, Shepard took in the sculpted chest that had been hidden by Kaidan's shirt. She smiled greedily, and then turned her back to him. Looking over her shoulder at him, she unlatched her bra and slid the straps down her arms. She felt Kaidan's chest press to her back and his hands came around to cup her breasts while his lips pressed to her neck. Sighing, she reached behind her to where his pants had become taut with his excitement.

Both sets of pants and boots and undergarments were soon discarded as their passion grew. Kaidan lay on the bed smiling as Shepard's naked body crawled toward him. He gazed over her form, seeing the ugly scar down her abdomen. He reached out to touch it. "Akuze," she said softly. Kaidan replied, "It's beautiful. It's part of you."

Kaidan rolled her over onto her back and let his hands explore her body. They moved along the outside frame of her hips and down her thighs. Then they went up her inner thighs toward her most sensitive places. His fingers lightly brushed her there, and she let out a little gasp and arched her back. She abruptly sat up, and pulled Kaidan's body onto hers. "You are taking too long. I need you, Kaidan. Join with me in every way."

Shepard's hands flowed smoothly down his back as he gently pushed himself inside her, feeling only a small resistance from her tender skin. She moaned when she finally accepted his full length, "Oh God, Kaidan." At the same time, their minds melted together, emotions blending, sensations heightened.

He moved slowly doing his best to be soft and gentle, but her hands moved to his hips and started to guide them more quickly. Kaidan felt her mind light up as her arousal grew closer to its climax. Her legs wrapped around his thighs as her breathing grew short. Kaidan found himself starting to lose control and he opened his eyes to see that he and she were surrounded by a blue aura.

Shepard looked into his eyes, somehow darker and intense, as he pushed her body into full pleasure. She couldn't hold back her shout of delight. Kaidan felt her climax around him and her passion enveloped his mind. Calling out her name, he let ecstasy overtake him, and suddenly a burst of biotic energy from both bodies blew through the room, throwing the pillows from the bed and knocking data pads from the desk with a crash.

Collapsing and breathless, Kaidan looked at Shepard in awe. "I guess it's a good thing they never taught us sex-ed at Brain Camp," he joked. Shepard slapped his arm, smiling, "That isn't exactly what I want to think about right now; you as a horny teenager and other girls."

"So what do you want to think about?"

"Well, I suppose I am thinking about how everyone on the ship probably needs a cigarette or a cold shower right about now," Shepard said scandalously.

Kaidan laughed, "It was that good, huh?"

"It was better than good," she said honestly. "Joining mentally and physically…I've never felt anything so intense in my life. Kaidan, I…" The words caught in her throat.

"I know, me either, and I love you too, Rachel." He kissed her forehead and held her close. Shepard snuggled in and fell asleep, feeling his thoughts of contentment and a fleeting thought of marriage.

She woke before he did, and decided to quickly shower and dress. Kaidan looked so peaceful in slumber that she didn't want to disturb him. _I wonder if I touched him, if I could see what he's dreaming._ She sat there on the desk watching him, when he rolled over and sat up.

"Hey," his smoky voice drawled sleepily.

"Hey yourself."

"You know, I don't think I've ever met a woman…"

"Bridge to Commander Shepard," Joker's voice broke in. "We're 5 minutes out from the Mu Relay."

"I swear to God, I'm going to strangle him," Kaidan shook his head. "You'd better get up there, but before you do, if anything happens to you…"

"You're a sweetheart, Kaidan, and don't worry. You'll be right by my side. If we go down, we go down together, deal?" She kissed him gently. "Now get dressed, we have some ass to kick."


	15. Walk of Shame

**A/N: So I had been at a crossroads on where to go, and I had these ideas for moving forward, but you know what? This story is supposed to be funny, and well, this was the humorous idea I came up with. It is shorter, but why push the story too fast ahead into the future? Enjoy and review!**

HERS

A crooked smile sat on Shepard's face as the door to her quarters hissed shut. It was a look of satisfaction and pleasure thinking about the previous night's events and the handsome man who was currently in her bed. _Ok, time to focus. Saren's time is short. Today this ends. Time to fuel up._ She grabbed a plate of breakfast.

"Nice night, Commander?" Mess Chef Jennings winked. Shepard's face went pale.

"It was…restful. Thanks," Shepard quickly recovered. She sat down near Wrex who was devouring a mountain of food. Between bites, he looked over and, with a tone of complete honesty, said, "So how long is human gestation?"

Shepard choked, "What?!"

"You and Alenko mated last night, so how long does it take for a human baby to come? Don't you breed to procreate?"

"Um, Wrex, you need to learn a thing or two about human relationships." She was trying to keep a straight face.

"So it doesn't work the first time? Is it like turians? They have to stay mating for a week. Don't even eat. Sounds boring. No fighting, no blood," Wrex said derisively.

"Wrex, be ready. We take on Saren today. You'll get plenty of fighting and blood, but sorry, no krogan women," Shepard smirked, regaining her composure.

"Shame, Shepard. That'd make the day perfect, heh heh."

Shepard got up to leave, and Wrex resumed his meal. _I'm glad that conversation is over._

HIS

Kaidan formulated a plan to leave Shepard's room undetected. He had slept much longer than he had intended. _Walk out carrying a data pad like I had needed to be…no, I should have my omni-tool on, then I won't have to make eye contact with anyone. Just walk to my station like I had been working for a while today…that'll work._

He flipped his omni-tool on as he approached the door. _I can do this. This isn't any different from any other time I've come in here to work on Shepard's computer…except I walked in here about 14 hours ago and didn't leave._ Kaidan smiled at the memory, and the door swished open. No one was there.

Kaidan walked away, feeling like he dodged a bullet, his steps a little more confident. He pretended to work for a few minutes at his console, and then decided to eat. He tried to avoid eye contact, but Jennings always had something to say to him. A smarmy smile greeted him.

"Aww, sweetie, and all this time I thought you were waiting on me." _Jennings is a pain in the ass._

When he sat down to eat, Wrex was there finishing off what looked to have previously been a huge meal. "Alenko," he growled and got up. The krogan came up behind Kaidan and pounded his back with his giant hand, making him drop his fork. "Nice job. So was she feisty?" Wrex smiled and whispered loudly like only a krogan can.

The dark-haired man looked the krogan straight into the eye. _There's no point in denying anything._ "She was amazing."

"Heh heh, I bet she was," said Wrex as he walked away.

"Commander Shepard to _Normandy_ crew. Meeting in 10 minutes for Ilos briefing." A faint smiled creased Kaidan's face as he heard her voice. He hurried to get to the comm room. He arrived first. Shepard was waiting.

"Hey, I thought you'd be the last one to stroll in," Shepard flirted.

"Why should I be? Are you afraid of what everyone is thinking?" Kaidan replied, smiling.

"Well, no, I'm not. I was kind of thinking about how cute you'd be making your 'walk of shame.'" Shepard winked at him, making him lick his lips involuntarily.

"Yeah, well, you'd have to be ashamed to have that walk, and I don't know about you, but I don't regret a thing." Kaidan pulled her close. "Do you?"

"No, not for one minute…" Her voice trailed off, then she smiled wickedly. "Kaidan, have you ever heard about turian mating rituals?"


	16. Debriefing

**A/N: Slowly but surely we make our way toward ME2. I just want to say thanks for all of you sticking with me! I'm not a great fiction writer, by even the standards I've read on here. There are some truly talented authors on here, so I'm humbled by your support :) FYI, I have no idea whatsoever how the military works, so this is total 100% bull. I'm sorry for inaccuracies and simply claim ignorance.**

HERS

"Admiral Hackett, with all due respect, the Reapers are the real threat. It's bigger than just the Geth," Shepard pleaded. "I need a fleet."

"I understand, Commander, but you must understand that the Alliance suffered heavy losses protecting the Destiny Ascension and then taking out Sovereign. We don't have the resources available, and the Council believes that the main threat of the Reapers has been eradicated. You have permission to take the _Normandy_ and clean up Geth strongholds," Hackett looked at Shepard regretfully, "but anything more than that, I'm sorry."

"Yes, sir."

"Now as far as your crew complement goes, are there any concerns with personnel issues?"

"No, sir," Shepard said slowly, "but I would like permission to put the turian, Garrus Vakarian, in charge of the armory. After we lost Williams on Virmire, I needed to cover the position myself. Vakarian may not be Alliance, but he is former C-Sec and a highly trained weapons specialist. To be honest, sir, I would like to keep my alien team aboard. Garrus, Wrex, Liara, and Tali. They've all made invaluable contributions and we wouldn't be sitting here if it weren't for them."

"Granted, Shepard. I trust your judgment. Anything else before we wrap up this debriefing? Personal thoughts?" _That question sounds loaded. Don't crack. Cool and calm, just like…_

"Kaidan." The name fell from Shepard's thoughts to her mouth. "I mean, Lt. Kaidan Alenko, sir."

"Is there a problem with Alenko?" Hackett raised an eyebrow.

"No sir, um, I just wondered why he was still just a Staff Lieutenant. He's a well-commended soldier, and he only further proved himself against Saren and Sovereign." _Disaster averted, right? I hope._

"I will take that under consideration, Shepard," Hackett said thoughtfully. "Right now, though, there's no more room on your ship for another promotion. Your reports show you think highly of him and I assumed you wanted to keep him on your crew. Would you like me to transfer him to another ship where he can assume the position of Staff Commander?" _Shit, no!_

"Uh, no, sir. He is too valuable an asset to lose at this point. This conversation will remain between just us, sir? I don't want this to be on the record."

"Understood, Shepard." There was a knowing look in Hackett's eye. He seemed almost amused. "Computer, please strike the previous conversation regarding Lt. Kaidan Alenko from the recording."

"Deleting," came a small electronic voice.

"Thank you, sir," Shepard said, trying not to sound relieved and guilty at the same time. "I have nothing further."

Standing, Hackett leveled a serious look at Shepard. "You have done humanity proud. Keep up the good work. Dismissed."

Shepard saluted and left the office. She couldn't stop the guilty feeling. _Oh, shit. What have we done? This is why there are those damn fraternization regs._ She found a private area and pulled out her omni-tool.

"Kaidan? It's Rachel. Can you meet me at the bistro close to the corner of Lincoln and Sunnyside in about an hour? Dress casually, no fatigues. We need to talk." _We are going to have to figure this out._ Her shoulders slumped under the weight of her thoughts.

Shepard went to the officers' locker room and changed into the only other clothes she had. It was a dress, and she hated it. The color was nice, but the style old, and it was a _dress_. Sighing, she put it on and pulled her hair out of the bun. _I need to look as unmilitary as possible._

Arriving at the bistro, she saw Kaidan sitting at a table already, absent-mindedly tapping his fingers. He was wearing dark jeans, a light blue t-shirt, and a black leather jacket. He was stunning. A smile crept to his face as his eyes met hers._ I don't want to break his heart_. Shepard ached inside.

"Wow, Rachel. You look amazing. Don't take this the wrong way, but I didn't recognize you at first. The dress." Kaidan pulled her into a hug. She tried to return it.

"Ok," said Kaidan, as he pulled out a chair for her, "How was the debriefing with Hackett?"

Shepard shifted uncomfortably. _I have to tell him the truth_. "It was fine. The Alliance said I can continue after Geth strongholds with the _Normandy_ and her crew." She couldn't bring her eyes to meet his.

"So what is the problem? Rachel, you're hiding from me."

"Kaidan, I…" Shepard's eyes filled. "I denied you a promotion. I'm sorry. I didn't want them to find out about us, but your name slipped out of my mouth, and I had to make up some bullshit excuse as to why I said it. It turned into a talk of promotion, and Hackett said you would have to be transferred to another ship in order for that to happen. I couldn't do it, Kaidan. I couldn't let you out of my command. My parents tried to have a marriage like that, separate ships, separate assignments, but it doesn't work. They are still technically together, but they don't know each other, and I was shipped around like cargo between them. It was hell, and I don't want to do that to us." _Now he can bawl me out._

Kaidan's reaction was not what she was expecting. He smiled. _I really need to figure out this telepathy thing._

"So we are a we?" Kaidan's eyes glistened mischievously.

"Well, yeah…we are." Shepard finally felt comfortable enough to smile, taking his hand.

Kaidan leaned back in his chair. "I think you need to know the rest of the story then."

HIS

Kaidan wasn't sure what to expect today. He had never met Admiral Steven Hackett before, and he was nervous. Given the magnitude of the battle with Saren and Sovereign, Hackett himself was debriefing the _Normandy's_ officers.

"The admiral will see you now, Lt. Alenko," Hackett's secretary said sweetly, watching him walk by. Kaidan didn't notice, and soon came face-to-face with the older, bearded man.

"Good morning, sir." Kaidan saluted.

"Good morning. At ease, Lieutenant. Have a seat. This won't be long. Your reports are quite complete."

"Thank you, sir."

"Given this was Commander Shepard's first actual ship command, what's your opinion on her leadership?"

"The commander proved herself to be more than capable, sir. Professional and approachable. She's a good manager of crew efficiency and does well keeping up morale. I'm sure the rest of the crew would agree with me."

Hackett nodded, his lips a straight line. "Very well. It looks here like the commander herself thinks quite highly of you. Captain Anderson had already recommended you for a promotion before he was removed from the _Normandy_, based on your actions at Eden Prime." Hackett stood up and walked around his desk, still looking at his datapad. "You will be promoted to Staff Commander, but you will also be transferred off the _Normandy_."

Kaidan blinked. He wasn't sure what to say, but words started to flow out of his mouth. "Sir, I am honored, but if I may speak freely?"

Hackett nodded his consent.

"I don't know if you have spoken to the commander yet, but she is convinced that this Reaper threat is real and isn't over. From my own observations, I tend to believe her. I saw the Prothean VI on Ilos. It is my opinion that her crew remain intact as is. We have all had the appropriate experience to deal with the threat, and I believe that we should have our best out there, sir. So if you would approve, I would like to forgo the promotion and remain aboard the _Normandy._"

Hackett furrowed his brow. "Well put, Alenko. Are you sure about this?"

"Yes, sir."

"Fine, you remain with the _Normandy_. Dismissed."

"Thank you, sir." Kaidan saluted again and left the office.

When Kaidan saw Shepard sitting in the lobby area, he nodded a polite nod, but nothing more. She smiled and rose as she was called into Hackett's office.

x-X-x

"So, I wanted to tell you right there what I had done, but without making it plain as day to everyone around, I couldn't." Kaidan explained at the bistro.

"You gave up a promotion for me? Hackett already knew?!" Shock registered on Shepard's face.

"Not completely, and yes, he did. What I told Hackett was true, I believe in you and I trust your gut instinct about the VI on Ilos removed any doubt I might have had. I'm ready to stand with you, come hell or high water." His hand reached up to cup her face.

"Kaidan, I…" He put his finger over her lips.

"Shh, remember when you laughed at me about those books I read as a kid? About the 'dream,' where the guy goes off to save the galaxy in the name of the woman he loves? Well, I still believe that dream. I just happen to be taking the woman with me because she can kick ass like no one else." He kissed her forehead lightly.

"Now, we have some shore leave. Would you like to come to Vancouver with me? Chicago really isn't my place," Kaidan said.

"What's in Vancouver?" Shepard asked.

"My parents."


	17. Meeting the Parents

**A/N: Last chapter before the start of ME2. This one is so fluffy, but there is a good bit of angst as well. I will try to get up another chapter or two before the holiday! Tell me if you like the twist in my canon :) Or if you hate it, that's cool. Review as you see fit!**

HERS

This wasn't exactly how Shepard had planned to spend her shore leave. She looked over at Kaidan who winked at her and squeezed her hand. He was obviously happy they were going to Vancouver.

"Don't you think it's a little early to be meeting the parents?" Shepard had asked the day before at the bistro. "We're just really getting to know each other."

Kaidan looked at her quizzically. "What better way to get to know me than with the people who know me best?"

Shepard was still skeptical. _My parents hardly know me at all. The Shepards just don't do family._

Arriving at the Alenko condo, Shepard felt like an awkward teenager. She was wearing her fatigues and so was Kaidan, but she couldn't have been more uncomfortable. She scratched at her collar as Kaidan unloaded the car.

"Come on, Rachel. They're waiting," said Kaidan, carrying the bags and walking up to the door of the high-rise building. Shepard trudged her way to where Kaidan was holding the elevator.

They reached the floor and walked down a short hallway. Before Kaidan could knock, his mother opened the door. A joyful cry came from the older woman's mouth as she hugged her son. Kaidan had gotten his hair from her. It was curly and thick. What was once black was now a salt and pepper. They shared a nose as well. _I always thought Kaidan's nose looked kind of delicate_.

"Mom," Kaidan said, still hugging her, "this is Rachel Shepard. She's my commander on the _Normandy_. We decided to take our shore leave here. Rachel, this is my mom, Emily Alenko."

"Hello, Rachel!" the tall woman said brightly. "We are so glad to have you! I never knew Kaidan worked with such an accomplished woman!" She drew Shepard into a big hug. _Oh God, help me!_

"Come inside, dinner is almost ready. I'm sure you are both hungry! It's a long trip from Chicago."

"Yes, ma'am," Shepard said blankly. _Kaidan has this picture perfect life. No wonder he turned out so well. Me, I can't even function around normal people. Thanks a lot, Mom and Dad._

Kaidan went to drop off their bags, and Shepard was left standing in the living room. It was open and sparsely decorated. _A sign of a military family_. She noticed some pictures sitting on a table and walked over to look at them.

"Good afternoon, Commander Shepard," a husky voice said.

Shepard turned around to see a picture of Kaidan in about 30 years. He was similarly tall, muscular, but had some weight which older age seems to bring. His eyes were the same shade of whiskey brown. His temples were gray, but a good portion of his hair was still a chocolate brown. His face held the good-natured look of a happy man.

"Hello…"

"I'm Captain Daniel Alenko. It's nice to meet you." He held out his hand and she gave it a firm shake. "We were caught kind of off guard by Kaidan's last minute announcement that he was bringing someone home. I hope you don't mind staying in Kaidan's old room tonight." The older man laughed. "We don't have guests very often, so we never changed the set up. Um, he has bunk beds. They aren't kids' ones, but military issue. Kaidan insisted on them when he was about 12."

Shepard laughed, seeing Capt. Alenko's obvious embarrassment. "That's fine, sir. I'm sure it's better than a ship's sleeper pod." _He scratches the back of his neck just like Kaidan does when he's embarrassed._

Kaidan entered the room and Shepard suddenly felt at ease. _How does he do that? God, he is glorious._

"Please. Have a seat," the elder Alenko said. "So, Kaidan, tell me about this bright young lady." He smiled warmly at Shepard. Kaidan sat on the couch and wrapped his arm around Shepard's shoulder.

"Dad, I'm sure you've read about her." Kaidan's eyes were looking directly into hers. "I had, but it never registered until we met what an amazing woman she is." He turned to face his dad. "She's brave and smart, always has a plan, and doesn't let setbacks stop her. I doubt the news vids gave her proper due about stopping Saren and Sovereign."

Shepard was blushing. "I'm not that great…I don't need to be sainted."

"Ok," Kaidan smiled, changing his tone. "She's a pain in the ass. She's a taskmaster, a micromanager, and a bitch. I pretty much hate her."

"Hey, now! I didn't say crucify me either! Don't make me throw your ass across the room, _Lieutenant_." Her hands began to glow blue with biotic power.

Now Kaidan was holding her with both arms. "I'd like to see you try," came his teasing reply.

Capt. Alenko was laughing at the exchange. "Rachel Shepard, I like you. You aren't nearly as calm as Kaidan. He needs some excitement in his life. You are good for him."

A voice from the kitchen called the three to dinner. Shepard was surprised to see the amount of food laid out on the table.

"Kaidan said you were a biotic too, so I hope I made enough. I know you can get really hungry. Please enjoy!"

Shepard ate and talked and laughed. Kaidan's parents were just like she thought they'd be, genuine and kind. When the meal ended, Kaidan asked Shepard to go for a walk down by the beach.

It was May and still pretty chilly. Shepard shivered, "Why did you bring me out here? I don't even have on my armor to keep me warm!"

"I don't know, I guess I just wanted you to see everything I know," replied Kaidan, looking out over the bay. "Don't you have any fond memories of growing up?"

"Not really, bulkheads aren't exactly homey. My mom and dad always made the service more important than family. I became the product of their upbringing, just more noteworthy than they expected."

"Where are they now?"

"Mom's on the _Kilimanjaro_ somewhere in the Traverse. Dad's heading to the Citadel helping with the rebuild." There was a note of sadness in her voice.

"Do you want to go see him? We can, we don't have to stay here the whole time."

"Sure, but in a few days, ok?" Shepard tried to smile, but it still looked sad.

They walked a little longer in silence, holding hands. For the first time in her life, Shepard felt like a normal person in a normal relationship.

HIS

Kaidan watched Shepard pace nervously as the ship reached the Citadel docking bay. He stood up, grabbed her shoulders and sat her down in a seat. "For God's sake, Rachel, you are making me nervous!"

"Sorry, I just don't really feel that a happy reunion is in the works."

"Why?"

"Kaidan, you know the oath we swore to the Alliance? The Shepard family has that oath written in our blood. Our ships are more important than homes, our crew more important than family. Just don't expect that my dad will be friendly."

Shepard took Kaidan's hand and held it until the ship finished docking and the airlock was opened. Then she dropped it and walked straight out, shoulders back. _Like a soldier._

A thin, severe looking man wearing a military uniform stood near the elevator. He nodded toward Shepard. "Rachel," a sharp voice said.

"Dad," Shepard sighed. "This is Lt. Kaidan Alenko. He's a Sentinel specialist like me and has received over a dozen commendations." _I didn't know this was going to be like a military briefing._ Kaidan wished he weren't wearing his civilian clothes.

"Lieutenant?" Shepard's father eyed Kaidan skeptically. "I'm Colonel Grant Shepard. Pleased to meet you." His voice betrayed no emotion.

The colonel turned toward the elevator. "Follow me. Your mother just arrived as well. She is waiting on us in the apartment."

Kaidan wasn't a man given to lots of chatter, but this elevator ride was disturbingly quiet. Both Shepards faced straight forward, while Kaidan tried to look toward them out of the corner of his eyes. _She's built slim and athletic like her father, same brown hair. Thankfully, she doesn't seem to have his entire attitude._ Kaidan worried what her mother would be like.

When they reached the Shepards' apartment, the door whooshed open and Kaidan's nose burned with the lemon scent of military issue cleaner. The living room was pristine with no pictures or personal touches anywhere.

"I'll go get your mother. She was resting." Col. Shepard left the room, leaving Kaidan looking at an indiscernible Rachel Shepard.

"I told you this wasn't going to be pleasant," Shepard whispered. "Hopefully Mom will be in a better mood." Her face said she wasn't optimistic. Then she resumed her military posture as a woman entered the room.

"Hello, Lt. Alenko, I'm Capt. Hannah Shepard. I've read a lot about you." She held out her hand and Kaidan shook it. The woman smiled. _Read a lot about me? Has she been reading my military files?_

"I wish this place actually looked lived in," Hannah Shepard sighed, "but this is just a temporary place while Grant helps oversee the rebuilding of the Presidium. I guess there's nothing like the familiar feel of bulkheads, is there?"

"No, ma'am." Kaidan realized these were the first words he had spoken to Shepard's parents.

"Well, I just arrived today, your father the day before yesterday, so we have no food. To be honest, I do not cook anyway, so let's go get something to eat before I start munching on a Keeper!" Hannah Shepard chuckled and Kaidan finally smiled.

The meal was uneventful with Kaidan answering questions about himself and believing this was an interview. He had decided that Hannah Shepard was actually kind, but battle-hardened, and Grant Shepard was an ass. When the meal was finally over and they returned to the sterile apartment, Kaidan excused himself to the balcony.

He leaned against the railing and sighed. _She deserves so much better than this._ He turned back to see a still sad smile gracing the face of the woman he loved. _She looks like a lost little girl._

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. Mom wasn't so bad, but the interrogation at dinner…"

"Wasn't that big of a deal," he said, taking her in his arms. "I thought I was going to have the anti-fraternization regs stated to me when I first met your dad."

"Yeah, he saved that lecture for me just a little bit ago. I just don't understand…" Shepard's voice began to break. "Why can't I have a normal family? I always knew something was wrong with mine, but until I saw yours…I never knew what I was missing." Tears rolled down her cheeks, and she turned away.

"Hey, I know I can't fix your family, but…" Kaidan stopped as the implications of what he wanted to say weighed on his mind. _Is it too soon?_

Shepard looked up at him with her tear-stained face. "But what?"

Kaidan gently wiped the tears from her cheeks with this thumbs. He sighed and went ahead with his heart. "But I want to help you build a better one. A happy one."

"Are you…proposing?" Shepard asked incredulously.

"Maybe. It depends on the answer."

"Kaidan, I'm pretty sure that your 'always leave a way out' is just your code for 'cover your ass.' Can't you just say something outright? Can't you just commit?"

"Are you proposing to me?" Kaidan asked cheekily.

This caught Shepard off-guard. She looked lost for a second, and then her snappy green eyes looked right into his. "You know what, Mr. Alenko, yes, I am. I don't do things halfway. Ball's in your court now." Her suddenly daring smile turned Kaidan on.

"Well, I wouldn't dare disappoint a superior officer, so I'll accept," he whispered. His face moved in closer while he spoke those words until his lips were just brushing hers.

"Kaidan…" was all she could speak before he interrupted her with a sweet, tender kiss. They lost themselves in several long moments until finally she pulled them apart.

"We tell no one." Shepard's voice was deadly serious. "Not parents, not crew. We have some security on the _Normandy_ to have a relationship, but we wait until the end of this next tour of duty to make it official. Agreed?"


	18. Pulling Rank

HERS

It had been a long day. A long week. Shepard knew they had sent her out just to hunt Geth, but she knew she could find evidence of more. That's why they were there. That's why they had spent four days painstakingly searching the sector for more than just Geth strongholds. But so far, they had found nothing. Not even a stray Geth fighter. She pinched the bridge of her nose and tried to stay awake. _I know there is something going on out here. Those ships don't just disappear._

Shepard's hand involuntarily began playing with the chain to her dog tags. _Well, our dog tags_. She pulled the chain out of her shirt and fingered the tags. She read her name on one: _Shepard, Rachel Eden._ A smile came to her face as she gazed on the other: _Alenko, Kaidan Elijah._ That night on her parents' balcony they traded tags as a secret sign of their engagement. _We will have time to find a ring later_.

Her heart fluttered a little at the memory, and then her mind returned to its work. She felt happy, content, invincible.

"Commander, we've reached Alchera. Board is green and we're running silent."

"Thanks, Joker. Keep me informed."

"Aye aye, ma'am."

Shepard got up from her desk and made her way out of her quarters to where Kaidan was working. He didn't notice her walk up, so she snuck up behind him, with her fingers making a gun, stuck it into his back. "Bang, you're dead."

Kaidan reached behind him, grabbed her arm, and twisted her around, so that now she was completely wrapped in his arms. She felt him breathing on the back of her neck and a thrill ran through her body.

"I don't think so, Commander," his low voice said quietly. "I actually feel quite alive right now."

Suddenly, the ship gave a lurch. "Joker!" Shepard yelled. "What the hell is going on?"

Before he could answer, weapons fire tore through the ship. "Kaidan, get your armor on. Now!" Shepard ran to her locker and put on her own. Fires were breaking out all over. _I've got to send for help._ Running past the sleeper pods, she stopped at the distress beacon and prepared it to launch.

"Shepard!" She heard Kaidan's voice behind her. She put on her helmet and pulled her wits together.

"The distress beacon is ready."

"Will the Alliance get here in time?" The ship lurched again and Kaidan caught her in quick embrace.

"They damn well better. I know they won't abandon us." She left his arms to grab a fire extinguisher. "We just have to hold on. Get everyone to the escape pods."

"Joker is still in the cockpit. He won't abandon ship. I'm not leaving either." Kaidan's voice sounded calm and firm.

"I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles. I'll take care of Joker." Shepard's voice was just as calm and firm. "Kaidan, go." _I can't let him die, not like this._

He stood there not moving. "Lieutenant, move! That's an order!"

"Commander! _Rachel_!" Kaidan hesitated.

"Now."

"Aye aye." And Kaidan was gone.

Shepard took a deep breath and sent the distress beacon. She had to get to Joker.

Stepping in to where the _Normandy's _CIC had been was like stepping in to a horrible nightmare. There was nothing between her and open space. Consoles and chairs drifted silently in harsh contrast to the destruction around.

When she reached Joker, she stumbled over the body of her XO, Pressly. She shut her eyes in revulsion.

"Joker, we need to get out of here."

"No! I won't abandon the _Normandy!_ I can still save her!" Joker looked desperate.

"Joker, get your ass out of that chair! The ship is lost. Going down with it won't save it."

"Ok, help me up." Another flaming beam tore through the ship, knocking them both off balance. Shepard grabbed Joker's arm to keep him from flying off.

"Shit!" Joker swore as Shepard felt his fragile arm break.

"Sorry, but a broken arm is better than a dead ass." She hefted him into the escape shuttle, and another round from the mysterious ship sent Shepard flying back away from the pod entrance. As the _Normandy_ tore apart, its momentum pulled her off of solid footing into open space.

"Commander!" Joker shouted. Shepard hit the button to launch his pod just as the death blow hit the ship she loved. Explosions sounded all around her and blew her away from the wreckage into the nothingness of space.

Alarms started sounding in her helmet as she realized she was leaking air rapidly. Her body writhed as she tried to get a hold of the leaking seal. She tried to calm down, but the lack of oxygen was making her hyperventilate. _Shit, this isn't supposed to happen. Shit, shit, shit!_

It didn't take long for the air to run out. Shepard tried to gasp, but there was nothing to take in. Darkness closed in around her eyes. _I can't die now. This isn't fair. I had just found happiness, something to live for._ The breath she had been holding finally escaped her lungs as she capitulated to the blackness. "Kai…"

HIS

This tour of duty was much more pleasant than any other Kaidan had been assigned. So far it had been quiet and he enjoyed the time to allow his thoughts linger on Shepard, _on Rachel_. A satisfied smile creased his face as he remembered the previous night.

_Her hands splayed on his abdomen, her legs wrapped around his as she eased herself onto him. Her head thrown back in ecstasy. The feel of her chest crashing against his as her moment came, holding him tightly, grinding against him._

"Bang, you're dead." It was the most pleasant death he could imagine. Quickly, he used an old wrestling-style move to spin her around and held her in a vice grip. "I don't think so, Commander," Kaidan said slowly, his words dripping with innuendo. "I actually feel quite alive right now."

They were jerked back to their duty when they felt the ship make a hard turn.

"Joker!" Shepard yelled. "What the hell is going on?"

When the ship lurched again, this time they heard the sound of explosions and fires broke out everywhere. _We're under attack_.

"Kaidan, get your armor on. Now!" Shepard bolted for her locker. Kaidan hurried through the tubes to reach his locker on the lower deck. He was pissed to see that someone had put that damn Phoenix armor into his locker. _No time for that now. Got to get back to her._

"Joker! Talk to me!" Kaidan yelled as he made his way back through the tubes.

"It's some kind of massive ship I've never seen before. Shit! I can get us out of this, Kaidan. Hold on!"

He found Shepard standing near a console. "The distress beacon is ready."

"Will the Alliance get here in time?" The ship shook and Kaidan let her fall into his arms. He squeezed her quickly.

"They damn well better. I know they won't abandon us," she said as she pulled away. "We just have to hold on. Get everyone to the escape pods."

"Joker is still in the cockpit. He won't abandon ship. I'm not leaving either." _I can't leave her now. She said we'd go down together._

"I need you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles. I'll take care of Joker." He couldn't see Shepard's face, but he knew she was serious. "Kaidan, go." _No, not now._

He stayed planted, and he heard irritation in her voice. "Lieutenant, move! That's an order!"

"Commander! _Rachel_!" He wanted to reach out to her, but duty kept them at his side.

"Now." Her voice was hard and cold.

"Aye aye."

Time moved slowly as he gathered more crew into the escape pod. He finally latched himself in and they launched away from the _Normandy. _He looked out the porthole and saw the sad state of the wreckage, burning, exploding.

The massive ship was still targeting the beaten SR-1, and Kaidan saw a last shuttle shoot away. _The cockpit escape pod._ He closed his eyes in relief. _She made it off the ship._


	19. Shock

**A/N: This will be the first of a few entries with just one half for obvious reasons. Thank you for the follows and kind reviews! I get all excited when my e-mail notifies me of one!**

HIS

Kaidan climbed aboard the Alliance dreadnought _Kilimanjaro_ grateful for secure bulkheads around him. His head had begun to pound and he needed to get out of this silly white and pink armor. _She is going to laugh her head off when she finally notices this_.

There was a lot of rushing about and confusion as the rest of the _Normandy's_ crew arrived. Kaidan just wanted to find Shepard and Joker. They would be together. _I'm sure she's probably worried about the rest of the crew. I wonder how many we lost._

"That was the last one. Bring 'em aboard." Kaidan heard a crewman say. He wanted to wait, but the migraine was getting worse and he needed to get the med-bay for help. Dr. Chakwas was in there along with the _Kilimanjaro's_ doctor.

"Kaidan, I'm glad to see you're all right," her English voice lilted. "Is your head bothering you?"

"Yes, ma'am. Have you seen She—I mean, the commander?"

"No. I'm sorry, I haven't. Do you know if she made it off the ship?"

"She had gone back to get Joker from the cockpit. I saw the evac shuttle launch, so yeah, she should be here."

"Well, she's probably attending to her crew. You know the drill. This is going to sting just for a second."

Kaidan closed his eyes and felt relief flow into his head. He gave himself just a minute to make sure the pain was controlled.

"I need to go, Doc."

"I wouldn't recommend that, Kaidan. You should—"

"I have to find her." _I'm sure she's looking for me._

Back on the lower deck where the _Normandy's_ crew had gathered, Kaidan saw Joker talking with Hannah Shepard. _I forgot she was on this ship._ Her face was stern and Joker's eyes red. When the pilot's gaze fell on Kaidan, words began spilling out of his mouth.

"Oh God, I'm sorry, Kaidan! It's my fault! I'm a dumbass, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Joker's voice was hysterical. Kaidan's heart dropped.

"What are you talking about?" Panic filled his eyes.

"Shepard's gone, and goddamnit, it's my fault!"

"Gone?" Kaidan's eyes filled with tears and his voice barely choked out the word.

"Shepard threw me in the shuttle, and that damn ship hit us again. She got knocked away by the blast. The last thing I saw was her launching my pod before the _Normandy_ exploded." Joker's eyes were pleading for absolution. "Kaidan, I'm sorry."

"Oh my God." Kaidan spun around looking for a bulkhead to fall against. Instead, the arms of Hannah Shepard caught him.

"Sit down, Lieutenant. Breathe." Her voice was too calm. _Doesn't she care her daughter is dead?_

Kaidan crumbled to the ground, his head in his hands. He couldn't stop the tears from falling and he didn't care_. Decorum, protocol. It was all bullshit. In the end, it means nothing. And this is the end._ He couldn't wrap his mind around it. They had just started.

Hannah Shepard was kneeling beside him, her hand on his shoulder. "I loved her too. I'm so glad she had you. A good crew…"

"I wasn't just her crew, and you know that!" Kaidan hissed. "What is wrong with you? Are you so blinded by duty that you can't let even your daughter's death faze you? You treat her like she was just a crew member and not your own flesh and blood!" Kaidan stood up, anger welling up in his soul.

For the first time, he saw Hannah Shepard crack, but barely. She bit her lip and her eyes went watery. "That's enough, Lieutenant. Don't say things you'll regret later." Her voice maintained its composure.

Kaidan stormed off. "This is bullshit!" he screamed. He needed to get somewhere alone where the pitying eyes of the _Normandy's _crew couldn't see him. All he found was a bathroom. He walked in and locked the door.

His body ached and his mind wanted to scream. When he tried, all that came out was a lonely sob. Kaidan wanted to die.


	20. Memorial

**A/N: This is a lot of updates for one day, but it had to be done! I had all these ideas and they were just waiting to get out!**

HIS

Kaidan shut down for the next few days. He sat silently through Shepard's memorial service, which was just for show because her body wasn't found. _They didn't even look. They just assumed there was nothing left to recover._

There were too many people. The continual string of condolences from the rest of the crew just turned into white noise. _There was nothing left to say_.

He cried a little with Liara simply because he knew how deeply she had felt for Shepard as well. He even told her about their engagement. He wasn't sure why. Somebody had to know. He couldn't hold on to it alone forever. _There was nothing left to hide._

When Admiral Hackett told the crew they could have some leave time to recover, Kaidan went back to Vancouver. He needed something warm and familiar. _There's nothing left with the Alliance._

After he had killed Vyrnnus and Brain Camp was shut down, Kaidan locked himself in his room for nearly 3 months. He would wander out sometimes to steal alcohol from his father's liquor cabinet and try to drink away the memory of the turian lying there. Blue blood splattered on the wall. His head twisted in a grotesque direction.

Kaidan knew this time alcohol wouldn't be the answer. He'd grown up, but he still needed his family. He opened the door to his parents' home.

"Kaidan, my baby, I'm so sorry." Emily Alenko dissolved into tears as she wrapped him in her arms. "She was a wonderful girl."

He simply nodded his agreement. "I need some time alone, Mom." The tears weren't there right now.

"Call me if you need anything," Emily said quietly. Kaidan was already walking down the hall.

He shut the door and looked around. All the military posters and knick knacks were still up. Shepard had laughed at him when she saw it, saying, "You really did sign on for the dream! I just wanted to kick ass like Blasto!"

_So now what? The woman in the dream is gone. What does the hero do?_ Tears began to fall again. He lay down on the bottom bunk. He rolled onto his stomach hoping to catch Shepard's scent in the pillow where she had slept. _I wish Mom weren't such a good housekeeper._ He looked up and something caught his eye, his face still in the pillow.

A gray military issue t-shirt. Hers. Shepard wouldn't the first night, but the second night they spent in his room; she finally let him get in bed with her. They laughed while they tried to quietly make love. He pulled her shirt off and threw it in the corner where it got had apparently fallen to the side of the bed in an inconspicuous spot.

He had to move the beds to pick the shirt up, and a wave of embarrassment washed over him. _Glad Mom never saw this. She'd wash it and send it to her. Or me._

He sniffed it and her coconut vanilla scent was still there. He remembered first smelling her hair on Eden Prime, when he thought she was dead. _And now she is._

He sat up considering what he should do, where he should go now. _The hero would go back to his duty in honor of the woman he loved._ He would go back to the Alliance_. _Kaidan clutched her shirt and cried until he fell asleep.


	21. Promotion

**A/N: This is a short one, but just whetting your appetite for more updates this week! Thanks for reading!**

HIS

Walking slowly into the office, Kaidan remembered the last time he had talked with Admiral Hackett. He had refused his promotion and chose to stay on the _Normandy_. _I still have no regrets. The time we had was…worth it._ Weeks had passed since Shepard died, and Kaidan had come to accept the pain as a normal part of his life now. It was like a part of his body. It couldn't be removed without maiming him.

"Sit down, Lieutenant. It's good to see you again, although I am sorry about your loss." Hackett's words knifed through Kaidan's soul. _What does he mean?_

"I'm sorry, sir, but I don't understand. Commander Shep—"

"Was more than just your commanding officer, Alenko. Don't try to deny it," Hackett's voice was gentle, but firm. "Your relationship with her was not a well-kept secret on the _Normandy_, especially after your outburst to Shepard's mother on the _Kilimanjaro_."

Kaidan's eyes were on the floor, looking about wildly. "Sir, I'm sorry, sir. It was a lapse in judgment. I accept any punishment you deem fit."

Hackett put his hand on Kaidan's shoulder. "Settle down, son. You aren't in trouble. We were received a notice of your relationship a few days before the _Normandy_ went down. It was signed by her father, Col. Grant Shepard. He had given his approval of the relationship and actually said he thought you were a good fit for his daughter. Coming from him that's high praise indeed," Hackett chuckled. "He's always been kind of a hard ass."

Kaidan smiled at Hackett's candid remark, but he felt dumbstruck. _I don't think that man said hardly 10 words to me when we met._

Hackett continued, "I invited you here because of the change in circumstances. Col. Shepard has requested you to be a part of his repair detail on the Citadel. You would be put in charge of repairing defense systems particularly in the area around the Presidium. You would also be given that promotion you're due. Will I be sending word that you've accepted?"

Kaidan felt a bit bewildered, but his face showed no trace of it. "Sir, yes, and thank you."

"Thank you, Commander Alenko. You are to report to the Citadel in 48 hours." _Commander Alenko. She said that to me when she was drunk. 'I will be Commander Rachel Alenko.' God, I miss her._

Kaidan rose, shook Hackett's hand and left.


	22. Moving On

**A/N: We are nearing Horizon. I'm not sure how many chapters are left before it, but there will be a few and likely short drabbles. I'm filling in some story for what Kaidan was doing during that time. Enjoy!**

HIS

Work was harder than Kaidan had anticipated, but he was glad for it. He poured himself into every detail of repairing the defense matrix around the Presidium. _When I work hard, it hurts less._ He would work 10 to 14 hours a day then retreated to a sparse apartment in Zakera Ward. It wasn't the nice part of the Citadel, but it was predominantly human. There was some comfort of home in that.

Over time, Kaidan made a few friends. There was Cam and Wendy Dennison. They were newlyweds around the same age as Shepard. Friendly and outgoing. Cam often worked tandem with Kaidan, so they talked a lot. Kaidan liked Cam, but he could get annoying.

"Come on, Kaidan. I cannot believe that there isn't one woman in your life? How do you live?" pestered Cam one day.

"It isn't something I like to talk about. Can we just drop it?" Kaidan pleaded.

"Not this time, Alenko." Cam turned off his omni-tool and faced Kaidan. "There is a major issue here and you're never going to get past it if you don't deal with it. I'm here for you, man. What's the deal?"

Kaidan sighed. Very few people would he talk with about his relationship with Shepard. His parents, occasionally Liara, but she seemed to be more and more out of touch, and even Grant Shepard, who was less of an ass than he previously thought. Kaidan was content with compartmentalizing that part of his life, and not opening it up to others. He hated the sorrowful looks. That was the worst part. Seeing people's pity. He didn't want to be pitied. _I just want her back._

"I was in a relationship, Cam. Engaged, but she's gone now," Kaidan said quietly.

"Her loss! She isn't worth it, Alenko. There's somebody better out there!" Cam's misguided attempt at comfort struck Kaidan right in the heart, and he flared in anger.

"Cam, she's DEAD! And she was 100% worth it, and there will NEVER be anyone better," Kaidan shouted.

Cam stared gaping at the now teary-eyed Kaidan. "I'm sorry, man. I had no idea. I just-well, Wendy wanted to see if you would be interested in meeting her friend, Danica Temple. She's a doctor and she's really nice. Sorry, Kaidan, we just wanted to see you happy. You can say no."

"No, I'm sorry, Cam. It's been more than a year, almost two. I'm going to have to move on some time. Tell Wendy it's ok. I'll be there. I need to have some fun. Have a life again." Kaidan couldn't believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. He felt like such a traitor, but his heart knew she wasn't coming back. _I have to move on, even if I have to drag my heart kicking and screaming._


	23. Rumors

HIS

Kaidan leaned on his arm against the door to his apartment trying to will himself to go out. He knew he needed to, but a big part of him just wanted to stay in and look at their dog tags. Finally, his civility won out and he headed to Purgatory, the huge bar on the Presidium.

He saw Cam and Wendy standing outside the door chatting with a pretty woman. She was short with a dirty blond bob. She had a pleasant smile and looked like she was a genuinely nice person. Kaidan missed Shepard's smirk.

Wendy saw him and waved. "Kaidan! Hey! This is Danica Temple. She's a pediatrician. You've been here for how long?" Wendy looked to the blond woman.

"About 10 months. I came after things were fixed up some. There tends to be baby booms after tragedies and I'm here to take care of the babies!" Danica giggled. Her voice was light and bouncy.

"Hi Danica, I'm Kaidan." Kaidan held out his hand. She shook it, but her hand was cold. Without letting go, she turned, put Kaidan's arm around her shoulder, and said, "Let's go in!" Everyone started to walk toward the entrance.

Kaidan looked over Danica's head toward Cam who tried to give him a reassuring smile. If there was any way for Kaidan to feel more uncomfortable, he hadn't found it. He was relieved when they finally reached a table and he could remove his arm from Danica under the guise of pulling out her chair for her.

Cam motioned to Kaidan and said, "Let's go get us some drinks. We'll be right back, ladies." Then he smacked his dark-haired friend on the arm. "Do you like her?"

"I've only known her for about 5 minutes."

"You know what I mean! She's hot, right? And she's family oriented, like you! I mean, you could see yourself with her, couldn't you?"

Kaidan drew a controlled breath. "She's nice." That was all he would commit to right now.

"Just try and have a nice time. For Wendy, ok?"

"Yeah," Kaidan said as he picked up two drinks to carry back to the table.

The first hour seemed to pass slowly, but as the drinks loosened tongues, Kaidan found himself actually having a nice time. Danica was funny in a little kid sort of way. She would giggle and make silly faces, and Kaidan wasn't sure if it was charming or irritating.

At the end of the night, Cam and Wendy strategically left Kaidan and Danica alone near the Rapid Transit station.

"I had a nice time, Kaidan," Danica said sweetly. She was definitely in his personal space.

"So did I. It was fun." Kaidan hesitated for a second. "I'm being sent to a colony in a few days. I'll be gone for about a month or so. Maybe we can get together again when I get back?"

"Sure, I'd like that. Here's my contact information. Please call me." She placed her hand on his arm and leaned in. Kaidan knew what she wanted. A nervous feeling filled his stomach. He closed his eyes not in anticipation, but anxiety and regret. _I'm sorry, Rachel. This had to happen some time._

Then something from the nearby news terminal caught his attention. He abruptly turned away to see what was being said, leaving Danica to almost fall face-first.

"Please replay the last news vid," Kaidan directed the console. The screen flickered as the terminal complied.

"Witnesses are reporting seeing Commander Rachel Shepard alive on Omega. This grainy footage caught by a quarian named Kenn…"

"Pause!" Kaidan stared at the screen. It was her. Even the poor quality of the quarian's omni-tool couldn't hide her mannerisms. _Rachel is alive?_


	24. Inquiries

**A/N: This chapter is going to stray from canon somewhat just to fit into the timeline I have created. I believe it flows better.** **There will be a slight backtrack in time just to get Shepard's story.**

HERS

Shepard was definitely not keen on working with Cerberus, but they were taking action against the Collectors and therefore the Reapers. It was a tenuous relationship, but as long as the Illusive Man played straight with her, it would work.

Finding the empty colony of Freedom's Progress was unnerving, almost like Eden Prime, but no geth. Seeing Tali again was good, but her friend Veetor's security footage was invaluable. She knew they needed help. Real help from the Alliance and the Council.

"We need to take the fight to the Collectors," the Illusive Man said.

"If we're going to war, we're going to need an army or at least a really good team," said Shepard decisively. _He has to see reason here._

"Agreed. I've already compiled a list of soldiers, scientists and mercenaries. You'll get dossiers on the best of them. Convincing them to join you could take some doing, but you're a natural leader." The holographic image couldn't hide the ass-kissing smile on the Illusive Man's face. Shepard's stomach turned.

"Keep your list. I had a great team against Saren. They were people I trust, not your people who could very well stab me in the back."

"I'm surprised, Shepard. You have to realize that was two years ago. Most of them have moved on. Or their allegiances have changed." _I know he's manipulating me._

Shepard ran through the list: Garrus, Liara, Wrex, Tali. Every one had a real reason for not being available to her. She closed her eyes, took a breath and said the name that was first on her mind, but last on her list.

"What about Kaidan Alenko?" _Please give me something._

"He's still with the Alliance, promoted I believe. His file is surprisingly well-classified." The Illusive Man seemed to relish her obvious disappointment.

Shepard didn't buy that explanation for one minute, but she knew she was being forced to go along with his plan his way. She would do what needed to be done for the greater good, ignoring her own personal desires. It had to be this way.

Still, she had a few hours to burn. She went to her quarters and flipped on her console. Pulling up an extranet search engine, she began typing…K-a-i-d-a-n A-l-e-n-k-o. _I have to at least know that he's alive._ Only old articles about their battle against Saren and the geth appeared. Nothing for two years. She found a picture that she liked and downloaded it into a vid frame. _At least I can imagine he's here._

HIS

"Commander Alenko, you are going to the colony of Horizon. Your official assignment is to set up defense towers for the colony. This will be what you tell everyone there. What you are told next is a covert operation and the Alliance will deny any involvement should a leak occur. Is that understood?" Admiral Hackett's voice over the vid comm was stern.

"Yes, sir. Understood, sir." Kaidan said.

"As I'm sure you have seen in the news, human colonies are disappearing. They have been for some time. Alliance intel believes that Cerberus is behind these disappearances. They've been spied studying the empty colonies including Freedom's Progress. Alenko, I need to make sure that you are on board with this. No reservations because of what I'm going to ask you."

"No reservations, sir."

"All right. Commander Shepard was seen with the Cerberus operatives on Freedom's Progress. We believe she has gone rogue and is now working with them. The reason is unknown. We are sending you to Horizon because we have received information that it will be the next colony hit. Given your, ah, history with the Commander, we are essentially sending you as bait."

Kaidan winced at Hackett's words. _How could she go to Cerberus? We saw all the horrific things they did. To Admiral Kahoku. She couldn't be willingly working with them. But why would she fake her death and disappear for two years? Was what we had all a ruse? Maybe she has better mind control than I thought._ Kaidan shook his head in anguish.

"Understood, sir. Is there anything else, sir?" Kaidan tried to keep his voice from sounding pained.

"Yes, you are authorized to use any force necessary to neutralize the threat Shepard may pose. I'm not saying she will, but you and I both know her fierce determination to get the job done."

Kaidan cleared his throat. "Yes, sir."

"Hackett out." And the vid comm flickered off. Kaidan made a beeline for Councilor Anderson's office.

"What the hell is going on?" Kaidan yelled as soon as he entered the office. Anderson and Udina stared.

"Udina, if you would excuse us. This is a private conversation," Anderson directed.

"Of course, you know where I'll be." Udina's haughty voice and scowl just irritated Kaidan further.

When the door closed behind Udina, Anderson thundered over to the angry solider. "May I remind you, Commander, that the Alliance cooperates with the Council and you will give me the respect I deserve!"

Kaidan's eyes squinted accusingly. "Tell me what's going on with Shepard, sir. The Council knows more about this than we do, don't you?"

"Officially, we know nothing. I cannot tell you Shepard's whereabouts or even confirm that she is still alive."

"I'm not a dumbass, Anderson. I thought she meant something to you, more than all this political bullshit."

"I'm sorry, Alenko. I can't tell you anything. Just do what you've been told. Go to Horizon." Regret filled Anderson's face.

Kaidan left the office; his mind reeling. He didn't want to believe that Shepard could be anything but the model soldier he thought she was. But he had seen her in that news vid with a woman and a man wearing the Cerberus symbol. He couldn't deny that much was true. _Why would you do this, Rachel? Why would you betray everything I thought we stood for? Betray me?_


	25. Unhappy Reunion

**A/N: I pose a question to my readers. Please respond in reviews. Should Shepard cheat on Kaidan? I haven't decided yet. Thank you and enjoy a nice long chapter!**

HERS

There he was, walking out from behind some crates like a dream. She held her breath.

"Commander Shepard. Captain of the _Normandy_. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel." _His voice is still like velvet._ "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan," Kaidan told the Horizon mechanic. "And a ghost."

As Delan bitched and walked away, Kaidan's gaze caught hers and her heart gave a funny thump. Nothing had changed her feelings for him. Shepard wanted to run to him, kiss him, touch him, but she stayed where she was, uncertainty filling her soul. _I know it's been two years, but it only feels like a month that we've been apart. Does he feel the same?_

"I thought you were dead, Rachel. We all did." His arms wrapped around her and she would have melted, but for the bitter tone in his voice. _I wish this hug wouldn't end._ But it did, and Kaidan looked at her in a way she couldn't read.

"You don't sound too happy to see me, Kaidan. Something bothering you?" She felt stupid saying those words, but nothing else seemed appropriate. Her heart clenched in love and disappointment. _He has moved on, without me._

"Yeah, something's bothering me. I spent the past two years thinking you were dead?" Kaidan's voice couldn't hide his exasperation. "I thought we had something, Rachel. Something real! I-I loved you!" _Loved, meaning past-tense. Oh, Kaidan, don't you know I still love you?_

Kaidan continued, "Thinking you were dead tore me apart! I yelled at your mom. Hell, I even thought about killing Joker, about killing myself. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" Now he was yelling at her.

Shepard couldn't hide the shock on her face. "Kaidan, I was dead! I don't know how, but Cerberus took two years and somehow rebuilt me. It wasn't my choice! Don't you know that if I could have I would have?"

Kaidan recoiled and his eyes narrowed. "So you are with Cerberus. The reports were right."

Garrus finally interjected. "Reports? You mean you already knew?"

"Hell yes, I did. You haven't been hiding well, Shepard." Kaidan saying her last name instead of her first hurt just as much as if he cursed her to hell. "Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. I got a tip this might be the next one hit. Anderson stonewalled me when I asked him about you. But there were rumors, even news vids, that you weren't dead. And that you were working for the enemy."

"Kaidan, our colonies are disappearing! Cerberus and I want the same thing. To save human colonies. That doesn't mean I answer to them, and I can't stand by while the Alliance twiddles their thumbs or sends me to hunt after Geth."

"You can't really believe that? We both know what Cerberus is like! What they are capable of! Or did you forget about Kahoku, or Akuze?" Kaidan's piercing glare at that last word shot a hole in Shepard's heart.

Shepard's wounded spirit lashed out. "I _never_ forgot Akuze. I live with that nightmare every goddamn day. But you aren't seeing the big picture, Kaidan! The Reapers are looking to destroy the entire galaxy! That's bigger than anything I could hold against Cerberus. I'm not working for them. I'm working with them. There's a big difference!"

"Hardly, Shepard. I wanted so badly to believe the rumors that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this. You've turned your back on everything we stood for. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me."

"Kaidan, you know me, or at least I thought you did. You know I would only do this for the right reasons. I thought you had my back. You turned down that promotion for me. You told me you believed in me!" Shepard's voice came out in a hiss. "You saw it yourself. It was the Collectors. They are targeting human colonies and working for the Reapers."

"I want to believe you, Shepard, but I cannot trust Cerberus. They could be using this to manipulate you. What if they're behind it?"

"Typical Alliance attitude," Miranda replied. "You're so focused on Cerberus you can't see the real threat."

"Shut it, Miranda," Shepard ordered. "Kaidan, you are letting how you feel about Cerberus get in the way of the facts…"

"Maybe, or maybe you feel like you owe them for bringing you back." Disappointment showed in his expression. "Maybe you are the one who is not thinking straight. You changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be. I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not." Kaidan turned to leave. _Don't walk away from me like this!_

"Kaidan, I could use someone like you on my team. I need you. It'll be just like it was before." Shepard knew she was begging, but she couldn't help her heart's cry.

He looked back at her, stone-faced. "No, it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus. Goodbye, Shepard, and be careful."

After Kaidan was out of sight, Shepard punched a nearby crate, denting it. She shouted, "You sound just like my fucking father! Damn the Alliance to hell!" A few tears escaped, but she quickly regained her composure. Work had to be done.

"Joker, get a shuttle to pick us up. I have had enough of this hellhole." _What happened? What went wrong between us? I guess it's just as well I don't have my tags anymore._

HIS

Kaidan was still stuck in stasis, and had been for a few hours when the giant Collector ship suddenly lifted off. He saw it leave the atmosphere and his stasis lifted. Falling to the ground, he shook his head to regain his bearings. He began to search the colony for any survivors. When he heard voices from around a corner, he hurried to them. Delan's voice he recognized, but who was the woman's…voice. His heart leapt as recognition hit him. _Rachel._

"Shepard, I recognize that name. You're some kind of Alliance hero or something," Delan said.

Kaidan felt he was being drawn to her and he could no longer feel his steps. He could only see her. The world around faded.

"Commander Shepard. Captain of the _Normandy_. The first human Spectre. Savior of the Citadel. You're in the presence of a legend, Delan," he chastised the mechanic. "And a ghost." _She looks wonderful. Like all my dreams._

He couldn't hear what Delan said; Kaidan just knew he had walked away. His heart beat wildly as he closed the distance between them. She looked the same from further away, but as he approached he could see the glowing scars on her face. It was disconcerting. He was flooded with mixed emotions and they warred inside his soul.

_She's here finally. I can hold her again, smell her, taste her. But where the hell has she been? What's wrong with her face? That woman has a Cerberus symbol on her outfit. God, it is true. I wanted this to be easy, a happy reunion. To be together again._

Kaidan reached out and pulled her into his arms. He smelled her familiar scent of coconut and vanilla. For a second, he could lose himself, but his own words wouldn't let him. "I thought you were dead, Rachel. We all did." He knew the sadness in his voice was apparent.

"You don't sound too happy to see me, Kaidan. Something bothering you?" _That's all she has to say after all this time?_ Irritation surfaced.

"Yeah, something's bothering me. I spent the past two years thinking you were dead! I thought we had something, Rachel. Something real! I-I loved you!" His heart was breaking and she looked like it didn't matter one bit. "Thinking you were dead tore me apart! I yelled at your mom. Hell, I even thought about killing Joker, about killing myself. How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" Tears stung his eyes, but he wouldn't let them fall.

"Kaidan, I was dead! I don't know how, but Cerberus took two years and somehow rebuilt me. It wasn't my choice! Don't you know that if I could have I would have?"

Flinching and stepping back as if he were stung by a bee, Kaidan said, "So you are with Cerberus. The reports were right."

"Reports? You mean you already knew?" Garrus said. _She finds Garrus and not me? What the hell, Rachel?_

"Hell yes, I did. You haven't been hiding well, Shepard." _She doesn't deserve to have me be an intimate anymore. I can't say her name…Rachel. Shit. _"Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. I got a tip this might be the next one hit. Anderson stonewalled me when I asked him about you. But there were rumors, even news vids, that you weren't dead. And that you were working for the enemy." Shepard's eyes flashed at the accusation.

"Kaidan, our colonies are disappearing! Cerberus and I want the same thing. To save human colonies. That doesn't mean I answer to them, and I can't stand by while the Alliance twiddles their thumbs or sends me to hunt after Geth."

"You can't really believe that? We both know what Cerberus is like! What they are capable of! Or did you forget about Kahoku, or Akuze?" Kaidan knew by Shepard's reaction that his words found their mark.

"I _never_ forgot Akuze. I live with that nightmare every goddamn day. But you aren't seeing the big picture, Kaidan! The Reapers are looking to destroy the entire galaxy! That's bigger than anything I could hold against Cerberus. I'm not working for them. I'm working with them. There's a big difference!" _Is it really? You can still be arrested for just driving the getaway car. Criminals are criminals._

"Hardly, Shepard," Kaidan could no longer hide his bitterness. His heart was bleeding and the wound was deep. "I wanted so badly to believe the rumors that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this. You've turned your back on everything we stood for. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me."

"Kaidan, you know me, or at least I thought you did. You know I would only do this for the right reasons. I thought you had my back. You turned down that promotion for me. You told me you believed in me! You saw it yourself. It was the Collectors. They are targeting human colonies and working for the Reapers." Kaidan saw the tears forming in her eyes and he felt like a heel, but he just couldn't get past the horrors they had seen before.

"I want to believe you, Shepard, but I cannot trust Cerberus. They could be using this to manipulate you. What if they're behind it?"

"Typical Alliance attitude," the Cerberus woman replied. "You're so focused on Cerberus you can't see the real threat."

"Shut it, Miranda," Shepard said. "Kaidan, you are letting how you feel about Cerberus get in the way of the facts…" _The way I feel about Cerberus is based on facts. How could you forget that? She isn't who I thought she was. At least not anymore._

"Maybe," Kaidan sighed, "or maybe you feel like you owe them for bringing you back. Maybe you are the one who is not thinking straight. You changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. Always will be. I've got to report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not."

Kaidan's heart begged him to stay, to work it out, to do something, anything. _I can't. It seems there's nothing left to salvage._

"Kaidan, I could use someone like you on my team. I need you. It'll be just like it was before." He heard her voice get thick. He wanted to apologize. He wanted to run off and forget everything, but he just _couldn't_. Regret filled his heart.

"No, it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus. Goodbye, Shepard, and be careful."

Kaidan walked back to his little colonial apartment and turned on the vid comm. "Admiral Hackett, I just spoke with Shepard. She's alive and working with Cerberus, but the Collectors are real. They took half the colony before I could get the defense systems online."

"I'm sorry, Commander. About Shepard, is there any more detail you can give about why she's with Cerberus?"

"Sir, she said Cerberus is working to stop the Collectors. She said the Collectors are working for the Reapers. To be honest sir, the entire colony, including myself, would have been abducted if she hadn't shown up. Her motives still seem honorable. I just don't understand why she's with Cerberus."

"Neither do I, Alenko. I will keep in touch with her myself. Perhaps we will see how loyal she is to the Alliance if we send her some outside assignments. I want you to evacuate the rest of the colony, then return to Earth. I have a new assignment for you. Hackett out."

Kaidan's heart hurt and he knew he had to apologize. He was glad he had left his omni-tool on covert scan. He had gotten her direct message address, and he planned to use it.


	26. Apology

**A/N: This chapter will start with HIS first because Kaidan is the one taking the first action.**

HIS

Kaidan sat in front of the blank console at his parents' condo. He wrapped up his work on Horizon a couple days before and was now back on Earth. Hackett now assigned him to train young biotics how to use their powers in covert operations. He had never been an actual teacher before and the thought was quite intimidating especially when Hackett threw in the extra wrench of taking these kids on actual missions.

But that wasn't what was heavy on his mind. He couldn't get past seeing Shepard again on Horizon. She was there in full living color, but she felt so…tainted. He was relieved that she was alive, but he wasn't entirely sure that wasn't somebody or something else. It felt like her. _It smelled like her._ He was angry that she wasn't abandoning her little alliance with Cerberus. He knew he still cared for her for what she had been before, but even he couldn't completely figure out what he was feeling.

Then on top of all that he was guilty. Guilty for having hurt her because he knew he did. The sound in her voice and the watery eyes told him so. He tried to hurt her. He wanted her to feel some of the agony that he had been going through every single day for two years. But then he didn't. If he really did love her, why would revenge be something he allowed himself to take? He was a heartless bastard, at least that's how he sounded in the replay in his mind. He really felt like a wounded animal, snarling to keep predators away while he died in peace.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, he looked at the blank screen again. He had pulled up her address and was going to send her a note. He knew if he didn't do it now, he probably never would, so he began to type.

**Shepard,**

**I'm sorry…**

HERS

Shepard stared at the console. She saw the sender, but she wouldn't open the note. Not there in CIC.

"Kelly, I will be in my quarters."

"Yes, Commander."

The elevator couldn't move fast enough. She needed to know what he had written. It had been nearly a week since Horizon and to say Shepard was upset would be an understatement. The man she had loved unceremoniously dumped her because she had come back from the dead. _No, that wasn't it. It's the precious Alliance that he's married to. Fucking can't see past his damn duty to see me waiting for him. Seemed so easy for him to break regs before, what changed?_

In her heart though, she was still loyal to the Alliance as well. She had sent them the information from the poor tortured Cerberus operative. But she knew that her work with Cerberus was the right thing to do right now. _What was that old saying, Keep your friends close and your enemies closer? I wish Kaidan were close right now._

She looked at the screen with its unopened message. _About Horizon_… She feared what it would say. _Please don't ever talk to me again? We made a mistake that night before Ilos? I've already found someone else and she isn't a zombie?_ Shepard could see her reflection dimly in the screen, but nothing could hide the orange glow still emanating from her scars. _Couldn't they heal faster?_

It took a little more internal deliberation before Shepard finally sat down and opened the message. Her eyes fell upon the first words and tears began welling up. _He is sorry._ She closed her eyes and just let that sink in. He didn't have to write her at all_. But here he is apologizing_.

She kept reading. A flare of jealousy went up when she read about the doctor. _That bitch better keep her hands off._ Shaking it off, she was glad to see him say it was nothing.

When she read the line about remembering Ilos, a soft whisper escaped her lips. "Yes, Kaidan. I remember. I could never forget." _Our bodies entwined, the heat from his breath caressing my skin, the tingle of our biotics mingling, the open honesty of sharing one mind._

She soaked up every last word from the message. She did still have his support even if he didn't trust Cerberus. However, his last line made her curious. _When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care. _Was there still an open door to his heart? _I will find a chance and we will make this work. Somehow._ Right now just wasn't the right time.


	27. Quiet Commitment

HERS

"Joker is finalizing preparations now. The trip should take a few hours," Miranda said to Shepard.

"Fine, let's get through the Omega 4 relay and take the fight to the Collectors. One way or another we'll get the job done."

Miranda smiled and saluted. _She isn't quite the ice queen she used to be._ Walking toward the elevator, Shepard's mind drifted back to the SR-1. She had tried to fight so hard to not care about that sexy lieutenant, but he won her over and with all the time and torture that had passed, she was still glad he did.

The door to her quarters swooshed open and she stopped to look at her console. She never took down Kaidan's message from her unread file. There it was, always open. Just seeing his name was like seeing a smile. She never did write back. She was afraid that everything she sent was bugged or tracked and she didn't want to put him in any danger.

Now she was the one who was in real danger. A trip to an unknown place with unknowable enemies where their probability of survival was bad at best. She ran through all the preparations and improvements they had made. There wasn't anything else left to do except go.

Shepard had helped the others deal with their lingering issues beforehand, but she was left with her own in the form of an open message and a picture on her desk. She wanted to see Kaidan again in person. There could be nobody else in her life. She missed him. She missed her old chain with their dog tags.

Gazing down at his picture, Shepard steeled her resolve. "I'm coming back to you, Kaidan."

HIS

Today wasn't a good day. Kaidan could feel the migraine coming on. His students were supposed to be adults, young ones, but still adults who had graduated from the Ascension Program. Right now, he felt like a glorified babysitter. There was no way they could be sent out for any missions yet, and he sure as hell didn't know why they promoted him to major. _They were too undisciplined, and after a day like today…_

They were practicing gentle pulls. He wanted them to have the ability to remove something from someone like a weapon. Heavy pulls were easy to teach. Light ones took finesse.

He sat glasses filled with water upon tables on one side of the room. He thought back to how ironic this was considering his time at Brain Camp, but he was sure he wouldn't be trying to beat anyone for failing.

The students filed in and looked at Kaidan quizzically. "I want you to stand on this side of the room and gently pull the glass to you without spilling the water. Or crushing the glass." He demonstrated and a couple of the girls giggled. "Now get in a line and I want you each to take a turn."

Kaidan stood behind the tables in order to get a good view of each student's technique. One young man, Philip Ashton, was particularly wild with his biotics. He seemed to have a good grasp of how to do things, but he was a showoff. When Philip's turn came, he was smiling at a pretty brunette standing near him. Instead of focusing on the glass, Philip just pulled in that general direction, and it wasn't gentle because before he could stop it, he had pulled Kaidan's dog tags from his neck and with a quick snap, broke the chain.

"Shit!" Kaidan cried out in pain. "Ashton, what the hell are you doing?"

The young man stared mutely at the dog tags that were now in his hand. He seemed to be studying them.

"Major Alenko, sir, this tag. It isn't yours," said Philip. "I think somebody messed up. This one says Rachel Shepard."

"No, there's no mistake," Kaidan said, grabbing the broken chain.

Another youth piped up. "Did you know Commander Shepard?"

"Yes," Kaidan reluctantly answered. "We served on the _Normandy_ together."

"Wow! Why do you have her dog tag?" a freckled girl asked. Kaidan didn't like where this conversation was going. He was stuck. Lie or tell the truth and he was horrible at lying.

"That's really none of your concern. What you should be concerned about is how to disarm someone quickly with these gentle pulls before they even detect your presence. Mills, you're up." _Bullet dodged._

Back at Kaidan's apartment, he sat down with his pounding head and pulled the broken chain from his pocket. He looked to see that it wasn't actually broken that the clasp had just given way. He fingered the tags and thought about that night on the Citadel balcony. Even now, his heart still beat faster at the thought of her.

He put the chain back together, hung it around his neck, and tucked it inside his shirt. His silent declaration. _Just her. No one else._


	28. Little Reminders

**A/N: Thank you for all the input and the new followers! FYI, I have never played this DLC, so my info came solely from YouTube vids. If I got the overall feeling of the characters wrong from how the story went, I apologize. I'm making them the way I want them to be…so canon-ish, not canon perfect ;) P.S. I'm not a lawyer either. P.P.S. Hell, yeah it's fluffy! **

HERS

Liara looked so confident now. Not like the child she seemed to be when Shepard met her on Therum. It didn't matter that the asari was 3 times her age. Her time as an information broker had really changed her. Shepard was surprised to see how ruthless and calculating her friend had become. She was also glad in a way. _A naïve person couldn't survive in this galaxy long_.

"Did you enjoy the tour?" Shepard asked as Liara entered her quarters. _She's carrying something._

"Yes, it's a beautiful ship, and I ran into Joker. He seemed happy to see me. Although he did ask if I had 'embraced eternity' lately." Liara's eyes rolled.

"Yeah, that sounds like Joker," Shepard laughed, shaking her head.

"I brought you something. I know it won't seem the same coming from me, but well, I thought you would want this. It took some digging, but…" Liara held out a frame with Shepard's dog tags.

"Oh my God, Liara." Shepard's voice trembled. "I thought I'd never see these again." She gently removed the tags from the frame. Lovingly she gazed down at the names on them. Her heart gave a sad little thump.

"Kaidan told me about your engagement at your memorial service. I, um, hope I'm not complicating things for you with this."

"No," Shepard sighed. "Things are already complicated enough. I haven't spoken to Kaidan since I saw him on Horizon. That's been almost a year."

"That wasn't long before I saw you on Illium the first time, was it? It wasn't until much later that I came upon these. Do you remember Admiral Hackett?"

"Of course I do, he never gave up on me, and was still sending me missions despite my 'traitorous affiliations.'" Shepard's voice turned bitter.

"Well, he knew about you and Cerberus because the Illusive Man himself sent him the tags as proof you were alive. I helped Cerberus retrieve your body from the Shadow Broker, and maybe you hate me for it, but I'm so glad you are alive." Liara leaned in and hugged her friend.

"I don't hate you, Liara. You gave me a second chance. A second chance at everything." Shepard put the tags around her neck.

HIS

Kaidan was pleased with his students. They became more capable than he had anticipated. Most of them had already been sent off-world to start covert operations, and were reporting back to him on their progress. A few still needed some work, but they'd be ready soon.

A beep on his omni-tool took his mind off of work. He looked down to see a message from his mom. **Received a letter for you at our house. You will want to see this. Love, Mom**

When Kaidan arrived, his mom was preparing supper in the kitchen.

"Sweetheart, this came for you," she said handing him the mail pad. He opened the message.

**Attn: Mr. Kaidan E. Alenko**

**You are receiving this letter in regards to your L2 implant that you received on January 14, 2167. In compliance with the Alliance Parliamentary Subcommittee for Transhuman Studies order, you are hereby the recipient of reparations for your pain and suffering as a result of the implant.**

**A check is embedded in this message and requires a retinal scan and a thumbprint authorization for the credits to be released to your account.**

**This is a final action, and no other legal actions may be taken. Please accept our humblest apologies.**

**Sincerely,**

**Chairman Martin Burns  
Subcommittee for Transhuman Studies**

Kaidan looked at his mother, who had taken a seat. "I was with Shepard when we tracked down the _MSV Ontario_. A group of biotics with the L2s had taken this Chairman Burns hostage. I don't know how she did it, but she talked them down and they released him. He had promised that the reparations would come. I never expected anything, because migraines in comparison to dementia and everything else?" He sank into the chair beside her.

"You know what, Mom? Sometimes I try so hard to forget her, but she's just part of everything I do. Then something like this shows me how much she fights, or at least did, for everyone else too. I just keep thinking I should be able to get over her. I got over Rahna. Why is this so different?"

Emily Alenko rose and stood behind her son, placing her hands on his shoulders. "Honey, sometimes love doesn't always happen at the right time, but it's still the right person. Just wait. If it is wrong, it will fade and you won't miss it. If she's right, you'll just know."

Kaidan stood up and placed a kiss on his mother's cheek. "Thanks Mom. I'm going to be giving this money to you and Dad. I seriously doubt Alliance retirement pays very well." _Thank you, Rachel._


	29. Forced Together

**A/N: I skipped over the little chat at the beginning of ME3. There wasn't much to add there for this story. But I still cannot unsee that redhead who was with Anderson who double-takes on Kaidan's ass as Shepard comes up in the Alliance building before the Reapers hit! Haha! Sorry about the wait. Life. But I am back and so is some humor, so enjoy!**

HERS

Earth was under attack by the Reapers, Shepard was standing in the cargo bay of the _Normandy_ as the door closed, and Kaidan was standing there beside her. It was a hell of a day. A day she would just as soon forget.

When Anderson threw her her tags, she couldn't help but catch Kaidan's eye as she put them over her head. _I wonder if he still has mine. Probably not. Too much time has passed._ She tucked the tags inside her shirt and turned. "I'll be in my quarters. Let me know when we reach Mars."

A slight snort came from Kaidan's mouth. "I'm sorry, _your_ quarters? I'm pretty sure I'm the ranking officer here."

"It's _my ship_, Kaidan. The only thing different about it is that the Alliance painted over the Cerberus symbols." Shepard walked away. "I guess whoever gets there first…"

Both started running for the elevator. Kaidan was taller and therefore had longer legs, so he reached the elevator first, but Shepard smugly noticed that it doesn't make the elevator come faster. When the door opened, they both pushed their way inside. Kaidan slammed the button for the top deck. Shepard just stood there with a slight smirk on her face. _Dumbass. I'm already in here._

"I guess we're at a bit of an impasse now, aren't we?" she said.

"Yeah, I guess we are," he said nonchalantly.

An awkward silence followed. _This elevator always took too damn long._ _Except for when it didn't…_Shepard's mind started filling with memories of stolen kisses and soft giggles that they had shared together in the SR-1. Now they were standing on complete opposite sides of the elevator fighting over the damn CO quarters.

"Why don't we share it?" Shepard suggested, not completely innocently. "We both have plenty of work to do that requires peace and quiet."

"Shepard, I don't think that would be the best idea." Kaidan scratched the back of his neck. _I always loved that little tell of his. He's uncomfortable. He's nervous._

"I didn't say share a bed. The bed is mine. You can have the couch. It's long enough for you."

"What the hell, Shepard? You are quite a bit smaller than me, and could more easily be comfortable on the couch." _He didn't say no to sharing!_

"What ever happened to chivalry? I thought you were a real proponent of that old-fashioned idea." Now, she was smiling. It was warming her heart to see him irritated.

"Now you are just trying to piss me off, aren't you?" His eyes shone in a way she hadn't seen in a long time.

"It's easy to do." The elevator door swished open. Using a biotic throw, Shepard slammed Kaidan against the back of the elevator as she scampered out toward the CO quarters.

"Hell no!" Kaidan shouted as he quickly recovered and lifted Shepard away from the door and back into the elevator. He then flipped out his omni-tool to unlock the door.

"You nasty son-of-a-bitch!" Shepard squealed and leaped out of the elevator before the door swished shut again. _This is fun. I don't think we ever competed against each other for anything before. Probably a good thing._ Shepard continued to smile naughtily.

Kaidan unlocked the door and they both stepped in to the room, trying to shoulder the other out of the way. When his shoulder slipped a little behind hers, Shepard ran and threw herself face-first onto the bed.

"MINE!" she yelled triumphantly, and rolled over on to her back, grabbed the comforter and wrapped it around her, rolling back and forth on the bed. "Mine, mine, mine," she laughed. She sat up and picked up a pillow. "Did you miss me? I know you did. That damn Alliance house arrest place couldn't even give me a nice pillow."

Kaidan stared at this demonstration of Shepard's, arms crossed in front of him. "You've got to be kidding, Shepard."

Surrounded by white fluffiness, Shepard looked at him innocently. "The bed is _mine._ The pillows are _mine_, and You. Can't. Have. Them."

It took Kaidan all of two steps to reach the bed from the upper level of the quarters by the desk where he was standing. He grabbed the comforter and pulled it out from under Shepard, flipping her over. She maintained her hold on the edge as she tumbled.

Kaidan continued to pull on the blanket, grabbing in the middle so that he would have more leverage with it. With one hard jerk, he wrenched it free from Shepard's grasp and she fell forward off the foot of the bed, near his feet.

This time Kaidan laughed in victory. "You never said the comforter was yours. It's mine now, baby!"

Shepard kept low to the ground as she watched him gloat. Then quick as a flash, she lunged at his knees, wrapping her arms around them, buckling them and sending him crashing to the floor.

"Shit!" Kaidan yelped. Their bodies lay perpendicular with Shepard's arms still wrapped around Kaidan's legs that were across her torso. He tried to kick free, but her grasp was strong.

"Come on, Shepard. Let me go."

She could feel the warmth of his body and that old, familiar hum of their biotics together. She basked in the enjoyment of it, but held his legs tighter. Her body began to ache with desire. _It has been so long, and he's the only one._

When Kaidan finally started to twist his body, she felt her grip begin to loosen. She wouldn't be able to confine him much longer. She laughed inside her head at how ridiculous they looked. Bedding strewn about, lying on the floor…_in bondage._ Shepard just couldn't help her salacious thoughts. The whole damn galaxy was going to hell, but she was going to find something good in it, somewhere. He just happened to be right here with her.

Kaidan was sitting up, pulling at her fingers. When he broke through, he grabbed her wrists and pinned her to the floor, breathing heavily from the exertion. Shepard's breath wasn't completely steady either, but that had more to do with the man on top of her.

"Kaidan." Her voice came out so much softer than she wanted. Her eyes searched his. _I still need you. I've never lied to you. Please believe in me again._ His eyes quickly turned away, and he cleared his throat. Standing, he kept his hands on her wrists as he helped her up. Shepard wanted to believe that they were lingering, holding her like she wanted him to. His grip loosened, but he didn't let go. He suddenly felt softer. She started to ever-so-slightly lean in to him, to rest her head on his shoulder, but…

"Major? Commander? We're about 10 minutes from Mars." Joker's timing was impeccable.

"We'll settle this later. Agreed?" Kaidan said firmly.

HIS

As soon as he saw Reapers in the air, Kaidan rushed with James Vega to where the _Normandy_ was docked for its retrofit. After trying unsuccessfully to contact his parents, he ordered Joker to get her in the air. It wasn't long until Kaidan heard from Anderson and they went to collect him and Shepard.

Even though she was under house arrest of sorts and he hadn't seen her until today, his mind was still consumed with thoughts of her. He could easily have blamed the Alliance for that. They sent him and a couple of his spec ops team to investigate why Shepard had destroyed that mass relay near the Batarians.

When he arrived back on Earth, he was set to testify on what he found. What he had found was the Reapers were invading the galaxy and it was only by a miracle that they escaped to return. Everything Shepard had said was true.

When she leaped onto the_ Normandy,_ he had no reservations about working with her again. When Anderson threw her the dog tags, he couldn't help but wonder what she felt for him. The breeze from the open door cooled his own tags and he could feel them lying against his skin.

"Welcome aboard, Shepard." Kaidan tried to sound authoritative. _I outrank her now, so why do I feel so out of my league?_

Shepard seemed aloof. "I'll be in my quarters. Let me know when we reach Mars."

_Wait just a goddamn minute. _"I'm sorry, _your_ quarters? I'm pretty sure I'm the ranking officer here."

"It's _my ship_, Kaidan. The only thing different about it is that the Alliance painted over the Cerberus symbols. I guess whoever gets there first…"He eyed her suspiciously until she took off running.

"Hmph," Kaidan gloated as he reached the elevator first. Shepard just crossed her arms and stood there. When the door opened, he tried to push past her, but she wasn't so easy to move. Hitting the button, Kaidan stared at the ground as the elevator started its ascent.

"I guess we're at a bit of an impasse now, aren't we?" she said. _She's always been so damn cocky. It's sexy as hell._

"Yeah, I guess we are," he said. _Who is the commanding officer on this ship? Anderson gave her the orders, but I do outrank her. Is she still a Spectre? I hadn't heard anything about her being reinstated._

"Why don't we share it?" Shepard said, breaking through his thoughts. "We both have plenty of work to do that requires peace and quiet."

"Shepard, I don't think that would be the best idea." _She does know that I'm a man, right? I'm not made of fucking steel. _

"I didn't say share a bed." Shepard rolled her eyes. "The bed is mine. You can have the couch. It's long enough for you."

"What the hell, Shepard? You are quite a bit smaller than me, and could more easily be comfortable on the couch." _Wow, that was a lame objection. Why am I even entertaining the thought of sharing a room with her? Shit._

"What ever happened to chivalry? I thought you were a real proponent of that old-fashioned idea." _Damnit, we weren't together that long and she can just play me like a violin. I love her._ A gleam entered Kaidan's eye as he caught her playful jibe.

"Now you are just trying to piss me off, aren't you?"

"It's easy to do." Before he had a chance to say anything back, the elevator door opened and Shepard unleashed a biotic throw sending Kaidan sprawling backwards.

"Hell no!" He flared blue and sent Shepard upwards into the air, setting her gently back down inside the elevator. He then flipped out his omni-tool to unlock the door.

"You nasty son-of-a-bitch!" Shepard squawked. A smirk appeared on Kaidan's face. _I can be just as stubborn._

The door flew open and Kaidan tried to wedge in front of her. Shepard pushed back with her shoulder and somehow she got past him, running and diving onto the bed.

"MINE!" _What the hell is she doing? It's a bed. _She started baby-talking to a pillow. "Did you miss me? I know you did. That damn Alliance house arrest place couldn't even give me a nice pillow."

"You've got to be kidding, Shepard."

Shepard's defiant eyes met his. "The bed is _mine._ The pillows are _mine_, and You. Can't. Have. Them."

_Two can play this game._ Kaidan yanked the thick blanket out from under Shepard.

_Just a little more,_ Kaidan thought as he continued to pull more of the comforter toward him. Shepard was trying desperately to hold on. With a strong tug, he won. "You never said the comforter was yours. It's mine now, baby!" He stood over her beaming, as she lay on the floor. _Yep, man 1, woman 0._

Shepard's sudden tackle took him by surprise. "Shit!" Kaidan fell hard with her arms wrapped around his legs. He had had enough now. It was time for the game to end.

"Come on, Shepard. Let me go." She didn't, and actually tightened her grip. He started to get annoyed until he noticed the humming in his body. _How many nights had I dreamed of holding her again? Feeling this very sensation. _Kaidan felt another sensation in the lower half of his body, and he began to twist uncomfortably. He had to get away before his body betrayed him.

It wasn't working well, so Kaidan sat up, trying to hide his slight excitement and to start pulling at her fingers. _Damn, she has one hell of a grip._ Still her strength was no match for his. He grabbed her wrists and used his full body weight to hold her down. They were face-to-face. He blinked when he saw no anger, no defiance, no playfulness in her eyes. Just something else…_It's been so long since we were mentally bonded. I wish I knew what I am seeing._

"Kaidan." Her voice was tender and distracting. He wanted to forget it all and just kiss her. _But we have our duty. _He gingerly lifted her up and kept his hands clasping her wrists. No words were spoken. Kaidan didn't think words would fix anything. Just being together, maybe that would, just maybe.

"Major? Commander? We're about 10 minutes from Mars."

"We'll settle this later. Agreed?" Kaidan said, annoyed. _Joker must have a death wish._


	30. Finding Truth

**A/N: Had to reverse these for continuity's sake. Thank you so much for the new follows and favorites! Please let me know what you like (or don't!). I love hearing from you. This one isn't happy, but I hope you still enjoy!**

HIS

"Those guys were Cerberus, weren't they?" Vega asked.

Shepard answered calmly, "Sure looked like it." _What are they doing here?_

"Cerberus. What are they doing here on Mars?" Kaidan's voice rang with suspicion.

"Good question." _She sounds way too calm._

"You don't know?"

"I'm not with them anymore, Kaidan, if that's what you're asking." Kaidan could tell he was beginning to irritate her. _But the coincidence is just too much._

"It-it wasn't. But you have to admit it's a bit…convenient."

When they got on to the cargo elevator, Kaidan got right up in her face. "I need a straight answer."

Shepard sighed. "Kaidan…"

"No, don't Kaidan me." He couldn't hide the anger in his eyes. He wasn't that backward lieutenant anymore. "This is business. Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here?"

"Why in the hell would you think I would know what they are up to?" Her voice flared with defiance.

"You worked for them, for God's sake. How can I not think that?"

"I told you the same thing on Horizon. We were working together to take down the Collectors, and That. Was. It. They gave me resources. I helped our colonies. What's so hard to understand here?"

"There's more to it. They rebuilt you from the ground up…" _How do I know that you are really you and not just some…fake?_ Kaidan was ashamed as soon as the thought crossed his mind. She had seemed so real aboard the _Normandy_, and he knew he looked like an ass doubting her after all that time investigating her and deciding she actually was being truthful.

"Let me be clear. I have had no contact with Cerberus since I destroyed the Collector base," Shepard interrupted. Kaidan wouldn't look at her. "I have no idea why they are here or what they want."

Vega finally interjected. "Commander Shepard's been under constant surveillance since coming back to Earth. No way they've communicated since."

"Sorry Shepard, it's just that…" The hiss of the airlock pressurizing stopped Kaidan's response.

Shepard removed her helmet and looked directly at Kaidan. "You of all people should know what I'm about. Please, just _trust me._"

Kaidan looked remorseful. "I do. I'm sorry."

x-X-x

The pair maintained a professional distance after finding Liara and taking care of the Cerberus shock troops that were chasing her. Shepard sent Vega back to the _Normandy_, but they still had to find a way to the archives to get the data on the Prothean device. Kaidan thought his idea of using a dead trooper's helmet communicator seemed like a good one, until he cracked open the helmet.

A sickly blue gray complexion and blue glowing eyes greeted him. "Oh God, he looks like a husk."

"Yeah, not quite," said Shepard as she approached. "They definitely did something to him."

"Someone, you mean Cerberus? They did this to their own guy? Is this what they did to you?" _Goddamnit, Kaidan. Filter your damn hole!_

Shepard's eyes flashed. "How could you compare me to him?" She grabbed his hand and put it on her face. "Do I look, do I feel like a goddamn husk?"

Kaidan turned away, speaking softly. "I don't know what you are, or who since Cerberus rebuilt you. For all I know you could be their puppet, controlled by the Illusive Man himself."

"Kaidan…" she said softly. He knew he had hurt her.

"Don't try to explain it to me. I don't think I'd be able to understand it anyway." Kaidan looked lost and confused as he stepped closer to Shepard. "I just want to know…is the person I followed to hell and back—the person I loved—are you still in there somewhere?"

Reaching out to touch his face, Shepard's eyes were still gentle when she looked at him. "They didn't change me, Kaidan, or the way I feel about you. But words won't convince you, will they?"

"Probably not."

"I didn't think so. You were always stubborn." A slight smile reappeared on her face.

"Me?" Kaidan chuckled.

"Remember the CO quarters? _Mine._"

"If that's the case, I'm going to doubt I have the corner on the market in obstinacy."

HERS

Kaidan had been an ass. There was no doubt about that. Shepard was growing tired of his lack of faith in her, but now, _it's all forgotten_. Shepard stared down at Kaidan's broken body lying in the med bay of the _Normandy_.

He was much too pale, even though his face was almost entirely covered in bruises. His breathing seemed sluggish and labored.

"You can't die on me, Kaidan. Not after all that. We…" A sparkle of metal on his neck caught Shepard's eye.

"Shepard, help me remove his chest plate," Liara said softly. "We have to check his body for internal injuries."

Shepard complied and as they took the armor off, the metallic item moved. _His dog tags._ She gently reached to lift them, but since she couldn't get them off without lifting his head, she leaned in close to his body. They were still shiny, unlike hers that were somewhat blackened and dented. Her breath caught as she saw her tag still on his chain.

Hot tears began to fall. "Kaidan, you have to be ok," she whispered, ashamed of her display. "Come back to me. I've never left you." She pulled out her own tags and held both pairs together in her clasped hands as she leaned over his chest.

"We have to get him to the Citadel. He can get the best care there." Liara was firm, but gentle. "We have to leave the Sol System."

Shepard looked up and mustered some authority in her voice. "Tell Joker to get us there now."

The travel time to the Citadel was agony for Shepard. She knew that every minute Kaidan wasn't getting advanced care was a minute closer to him…She couldn't finish the thought, because _he's not going to die_.

Medics were waiting when Joker docked the ship. Shepard could only watch helplessly as they ran Kaidan away. "He will be at Huerta Memorial. The best care on the Citadel," a medic hollered back.

Shepard heard Liara's voice in the back of her head. It sounded distant. "We need to get to the Council to get their support for this Prothean weapon."

Seeing Bailey walking up pulled Shepard back into her own body. "The Council isn't quite ready for you yet. They are dealing with something and blah, blah, blah. You probably have time to go and visit your friend, if you want."

"I think that's what I'm going to do," Shepard said, still feeling numb. _He's going to be ok, right?_ Without so much as a goodbye to anyone standing with her, she made her way to elevator to get to Huerta.

She was lost in thought and worry. _The tags. He's still wearing them. Did he forget about mine? Did he remember? Was all the stupid stuff on Mars it? Is that how we say goodbye? Shit, Kaidan, you have to be ok! You have to!_ Her eyes started to burn again as the elevator opened to the hospital lobby.

Her eyes fell upon a pair of doctors talking. _Chakwas!_

"Commander! I thought that was you," her light British accent lilted.

"Dr. Chakwas, I didn't know you were here!"

"I've been working in Alliance R&D labs down in Shalta Wards, coordinating closely with Admiral Hackett. I had heard you escaped Earth in the _Normandy_ and that someone on your crew was critically injured. I came as fast as I could."

"We had a run-in with some Cerberus synthetic on Mars." Shepard looked down at her feet. "Kaidan took the worst of it." She looked back up and spoke softly. "How is he?"

The doctor's eyes showed a glint of understanding into Shepard's deeper than professional concern. "Very well, all things considered. I'm impressed with Major Alenko's resilience, as well as Dr. Michel's expertise. I wish I could have been there on Mars."

"Doctor, you know as well as I do that your place is on the _Normandy_, not some lab."

"I couldn't agree more," Chakwas smiled. "You say the word and I'm with you."

"The _Normandy_ wouldn't be the same without you," Shepard smiled in return. "Docking bay D24."

"Yes, thank you. I'll get my things. If you'd like, you can go see Kaidan. He isn't conscious, but he could have a visitor." The older woman placed a hand on the younger woman's shoulder. "I don't think even death could keep you two apart. And I don't believe death will be bothering either of you anytime soon."

Shepard turned toward the rooms, still afraid of what she was going to see. As she approached the doorway of Kaidan's room, a petite doctor came up.

"Hi, you're Commander Rachel Shepard, right?" Her voice was high and made her sound like a child.

"Yes, I am. Can I help you?"

"No, I-uh. I'm Dr. Danica Temple. I work in this hospital, mostly with kids, but I know the major. We met a while back."

"Oh, ok?" Shepard was curious about why Kaidan would be around a blond pediatrician. _Whatever it was she's nervous now. Because I'm Commander goddamn Shepard, bitch._ She smiled inside her head. For once, Shepard wanted to intimidate a civilian.

"We, um, were set up on a blind date kind of. But he left kind of abruptly after seeing a news vid about you and then I never heard from him again. I was really surprised when they rushed him in today."

"Are you taking care of him now?" A little flare of jealousy shot up. _She will keep her mitts off._

"No. I did help stabilize him when they brought him in, but I'm not his primary physician. That's Dr. Michel. Anyway, I'm just rambling." The perky doctor deflated a little. "When we were getting him situated, we had to take these off. I'm sorry if this is personal, but I saw your name on one of the tags. I thought I should give them to you."

Shepard took the tags mutely. Now she felt a little bad for making the doctor nervous. "Can I go in and see him?"

"Of course, Commander. I don't know if he can hear you, but it's always good to try." Shepard watched the small blond quickly walk away. As the door to Kaidan's room opened, her heart stopped. She had already seen him battered, but now lying in a hospital, so deathly still. It was unnerving.

"Kaidan? God, it's hard seeing you like this." She watched his chest rise and fall. "I don't know if you can hear me, but since you can't tell me to get the hell out of here either…I'm going to take my chances."

She stepped closer to the bed and reached out to touch his face. _Please open your eyes for me_. She stroked his cheek as an errant tear fell from her eye and landed on his pillow.

"Don't die, Kaidan. You've got to fight. We need you in this." Her voice got thick. "Seeing you in action again reminded me that you are a hell of a soldier. The Alliance could sure use you."

Looking around to see that no one else was nearby, Shepard leaned in closer to place a gentle kiss on his cheek. Her voice started to catch as she spoke. "I…I could use you."

She straightened up quickly as the door swished open and a couple doctors appeared. Shepard wiped her eyes and looked back at Kaidan's quiet form. "Come on, Kaidan. Fight."

As she walked out the door, she turned and looked at him once more. "And that's an order."


	31. Clearing the Air

HERS

Shepard was exhausted. Trying to get help from the turians was proving to be more difficult than expected. There just seemed to be so many conditions they kept coming up with. She couldn't blame them completely. They were dealing with their own Reaper invasion.

It was relieving to get Garrus back on the _Normandy_. He was a good friend and always loyal. _He never questioned me._ Her heart hurt still knowing Kaidan was still in the hospital and their last conversation involved him basically calling her a husk. She couldn't deny it still stung, but she just wanted to convince him that she was still herself. What hurt the worst was not knowing if she'd ever have the chance.

"Commander, you have new messages." Specialist Samantha Traynor interrupted her thoughts.

Shepard opened her console. _Kaidan is awake._ Her heart leapt at the words. _He wants to see me. Udina wants to make him a Spectre?_ She still had to get to this Grissom Academy, but after that, her next stop was the Citadel. This time she typed him a reply.

**Kaidan,**

**I have a few things to take care of, but I'll be glad to stop by.**

**Talk to you soon.**

**-R**

**x-X-x**

Shepard was more than pleased to see Jack being the bitch she always had been, but now with a purpose. She did her best not to show her pleasure when Kahlee Sanders said she and the students and Jack needed to brought back to the Citadel.

After saying some quick goodbyes and promising to get drunk with Jack soon, Shepard headed to Huerta. She was still nervous about the kind of conversation that might creep up, but _at least I have another chance. If I have to end it in my heart today, I can handle it._ She clutched his tags that were in her pocket. She figured that would be a way to really force the issue without forcing the issue. He would see her tag on his chain and either he'd keep it, or he wouldn't.

When she got to the lobby, she saw a kiosk selling gifts. She looked and saw Kaidan's favorite Peruvian whiskey, just like the bottle of his that she had unceremoniously drank on her birthday all those years ago. _Maybe I should replace it._ She pulled out her chit and purchased a bottle.

As she entered Kaidan's room, she saw Councilor Udina and could smell his overbearing cologne. _God, he is such an ass._ Shepard was pissed that he had taken over as the human councilor after Anderson left to escape the bullshit, _not that I could blame Anderson_.

"I need an answer, Major. The galaxy has need of exceptional soldiers like you now more than ever."

"You'll have your answer soon, Councilor," Kaidan replied. "I promise."

"I look forward to it." Udina turned and saw Shepard standing there. He sneered, "Shepard."

_One of these days I'm so going to throw his ass off a balcony._ "Udina."

She looked at Kaidan who had sat up in his bed. His face still looked pretty beat up, but _his body seems to have no problems whatsoever_, as she wondered about what that thin hospital sheet was covering up.

"Hey Shepard," Kaidan smiled. "You just missed snack time. Actually, that's probably a good thing. Thanks for coming."

"No problem." _Just play it cool._ "What did Udina want? Still thinking about the Spectre position?"

"It's a big honor, a huge responsibility. Just need to be sure." Shepard thought Kaidan's eyes were searching hers for something. She got uncomfortable.

Pulling the bottle from the bag she was carrying, she smiled. "I got you this."

"Wow! Thanks, Shepard. This is really great. Almost makes up for the time you downed the whole thing."

"Just a little pick-me-up."

"Yeah, maybe when I get out of here, we can crack this thing open and actually share it. You know, which means I get some too?" Kaidan made a crooked smile which made Shepard laugh.

"I am so ready to get out of here, Shepard. You can't see it, but I'm tied to this bed with medical red tape. Dr. Michel says I'm good to go, but then she always finds just one more test."

"Are you really ok?"

"Yeah, my implant got a little… rattled. I have to keep the biotics offline for a bit. It's really no big deal."

A sly look crossed Shepard's face. "Do you need me to break you out?"

Kaidan chuckled. "I'll let you know."

Shepard's features softened as she debated on what to say next. "I'm…glad you asked me to come. I wanted to know that you were ok." She took a deep breath and let the rest of her thoughts out. "You almost died on my watch. It was horrible to see, and I—well, I care about what happens to you."

Kaidan's hand reached and covered her own as she leaned against his bed. "Me too. That means a lot." He shifted uncomfortably in his bed as he continued to talk. "I just want to make sure that after Mars, after Horizon…you and me, we're good?"

"Kaidan, we've been through hell together, but we've had each other's backs. That kind of bond is hard to break." She didn't want to just talk about serving together, but _maybe I'm turning into him. Always leaving a way out._

"No, not just that. You were my commander sure, but you listened too. When I told you about how Rahna broke my heart, you didn't judge me. You knew I needed that. We went through Ash's death together. So what do you say? Are we good?"

"Yeah, we're good. It was great to have you back on the _Normandy._" _I can't believe what a pansy ass I am._

"Thanks, but I just want to say that the CO quarters would have been mine. I am really glad you came by. Talking about all this reminds how much I like you. We're good together." _Oh, yes, even in the biblical sense._

"Do you feel like we've finally cleared the air?"

"Yeah, I'm not so sure I was wrong about Cerberus, but I've been wrong about you. I should let you get back to the_ Normandy_. Wish I could come with you." _It would be so easy if I could just open my damn mouth!_

Shepard started to get up to leave, angry at herself for her cowardice. "Take care of yourself, Kaidan. We need you at 100%."

She reached the door, which swished open, but then she turned back. _I have to know._

HIS

It felt so good to finally be able to talk to Shepard without that nagging suspicion in his head. When Kaidan sent the message to her, he was hoping she would be receptive, especially after the way they had left things on Mars. He was glad when she said that they were good, and surprised when she suddenly stopped and turned back around.

"Something else, Shepard?"

"I never asked you about your family. Are they safe?"

"You know where my parents live, but my dad's family owns an orchard in the BC interior. They were taking a shuttle out there the day of the attack."

"Have you heard from them?" Kaidan could see in Shepard's eyes that she was holding something back.

"No. I hope…I'm hoping Dad's Alliance training is keeping them safe. Must be killing them not knowing where I am. But this isn't why you stayed, is it?"

"No, not really." She looked down and cracked her knuckles. "Are we going to be able to get past Horizon?"

"I'd like to, Shepard…as friends," his voice dropped, "as more than friends. I mean, I don't know. I just like having you in my life."

"Ok," she said slowly, "so how do we fix it?" _By letting me take you in my arms and saying to hell with it all._

"Maybe you should just know that I'm not seeing anyone, and that I still care."

"Kaidan, I…" _Ok, so maybe she isn't receptive. Shit. I couldn't expect her to still care after all I did to her._

"Hey look, there's a war on, and maybe you and me'll never happen. But I needed you to know that, because that's how we'll get past Horizon."

Shepard reached into her pocket. "Kaidan, I have these." She held up his tags. She placed them in his hand and closed it over them, keeping her hand on top.

"How did you get these? I figured they got lost in the shuffle after I was hurt."

"No, some doctor who said she knew you gave them to me." Her voice got quiet and she looked away. "She said that my name was on one of them."

The words hung in the air for a few moments. Kaidan wasn't sure what to say. _Is she mad that I'm just some lovesick fool? Has she moved on with somebody else?_ She looked back at him with tears in her eyes.

"Shepard, is there somebody else?" He felt his own heart beginning to break. His stomach was dropping and this time it wasn't the drugs.

"No, Kaidan," she whispered. "There never has been. It's only been you. I kept fighting because I knew that somewhere you were out there, and whether or not you were with me, I would do my goddamn best just to make a life for you without the fear of the Reapers."

"You know what? People near death say they see their lives flash before their eyes. Well, the future flashed for me. The anguish, the families…" He took her hands and wrapped them in his and looked straight into her eyes. "The children. It made me determined to live. You aren't the only one fighting for something." A slow smile crept onto his face. "Maybe I still do believe in that dream, fighting for the woman I love."

Shepard laughed quietly. "Kaidan, you are a hopeless romantic." She scooted her chair closer to the bed, so she could lean against his shoulder. "So what are we now?"

He stroked her hair as he pressed his lips to her forehead. "We're us. You're my ocean. Wild and wonderful. Beautiful and dangerous. On the surface, you can look so quiet, but underneath you are full of life."

Shepard smiled and looked up at him. "Kaidan, you are my safe harbor."

**A/N: So I wanted them to get together a little quicker than the game. It's sort of my way of fixing awkward conversations. Did you like this chapter? I will have the "sanity check." It will just be altered a bit. Thank you for reading!**


	32. Support

HERS

After rescuing Eve, the krogan female, from falling into Cerberus' hands, Shepard needed a break. Mordin was still working on the genophage cure, and she was apt to give him time. It had been two weeks since she had visited Kaidan in his hospital room. When she left, she felt like she could take on the Reapers alone. She finally knew where her heart belonged. _It's hard to fight for anything when you don't know what, or who, you are fighting for._

Docking at the Citadel, she made transportation arrangements to get to Huerta. She took the familiar elevator and walked in to the lobby. She saw Thane, whom she had talked to last time. Smiling sadly, she walked through, her urgency leading her elsewhere.

Kaidan was fully dressed, she noticed with a slight disappointment. He was looking out the window in his room. Shepard entered quietly, but he still turned and smiled.

"Hey, if you're coming to spring me, you're a little too late. I'm finally getting out soon," Kaidan said as his hand reached out for hers.

She gave his hand a squeeze and they laced their fingers together. "Good to hear!"

"Maybe you already saw the vid, but I accepted the offer from Udina."

"No, I hadn't, we've been really busy trying to broker peace between the krogan and the turians. That's amazing! Spectre Kaidan Alenko. It kind of rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?" Shepard teased.

"Ha, yeah. Only the second human Spectre. It's humbling. Udina thinks they may have a pretty big ceremony, even with the war. He says it'll give folks something to celebrate."

"You ready to take on that responsibility?" she said quietly. _Being a Spectre isn't everything it's cracked up to be._

He drew her close into his arms. "You set the bar pretty high, but I'll do my best." Kaidan pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead and turned his face to look out the window. "It's strange. On Mars, I should have died. A promotion from Anderson, Spectre status. These are terrible days." He looked back into Shepard's eyes. "But I've been lucky."

"You're perfect for the job. On Eden Prime, I could see there was something special about you."

Shepard felt a low rumble from Kaidan's chest, which soon erupted into a hearty laugh. "I thought there was something special about you too, but I think I'll keep those thoughts to myself for now."

"Seriously, though. You are a good soldier."

"Thanks," said Kaidan bashfully. "I am happy. You know I've always wanted to serve."

"But I thought you'd want to join the _Normandy_, you know, despite present company." Shepard smiled wickedly.

"Yeah," Kaidan said slowly, not smiling in return. "I thought about that. I'm sorry. There's nothing I want more than to be with you, but I need to get out of here first, take care of some things. I'm trying to locate my Spec Ops squads, my students."

"Oh, any luck?"

"No, they went underground. If they were easy to find, they wouldn't be doing their jobs. I'm thinking having Spectre resources may make it easier to find them."

Shepard broke the embrace and just held his hands, looking down. "It's ok. I understand. You probably need to have a quiet assignment right now anyway." She looked back up with a smile and a cocked eyebrow. "If I had you on the _Normandy_, it would be anything _but_ quiet."

Kaidan's smile reappeared. "Uh, yeah. I have more than a few ideas for you."

"Is that a promise? How soon are you getting out of here?" _I'll jump you right here, if you give me the green light._

"Tomorrow. But let's take things slow, ok?" Kaidan chuckled at Shepard's pout. "Udina wanted to have the ceremony in a week. Can you be here then? I want you there."

HIS

Kaidan tugged at his dress uniform. It had been a while since he had worn it, and he was never a fan of it in the first place. _I'm glad I'll be able to wear my armor when I actually start working._ He was to be at the Council chambers in an hour, and he hadn't heard from Shepard for a few days. She said she was back on Tuchanka helping the primarch's son.

He was trying to ready himself for her not being there. _Just like a little kid waiting for his mom to show up at his Christmas program._ He wouldn't be disappointed if she didn't show, he told himself. He sighed and readied himself to leave his apartment. The door swooshed open and just a little distance away was Shepard.

Kaidan breath caught in his throat as he looked at her. She was in her dress uniform as well, the skirted one. He had never seen in her in a dress, save that one day they met at the bistro in Chicago. Her brown hair was pulled back in its usual bun, but today she wore some makeup. It was light, natural-looking, but just enhanced her green eyes and high cheekbones. She'd never had full lips, but the light color she had on them, well, Kaidan couldn't help but involuntarily lick his own.

He was well aware that he had known more beautiful women. Rahna, though not technically a woman at the time, was a dark haired beauty with eyes that were of a light sea green color, standing in stark contrast to the rest of her dark features. Shepard was fair, but not pale. As she came toward him, he couldn't help but try to figure out what about her made her take his breath away.

_She has a great body, no doubt. Lightly muscled, deceptively strong. Her eyes are large and expressive. She's a fierce warrior and deathly loyal. Even to me. Then with all that, I've seen her insecurities. Her fears of being alone or forgotten._ Kaidan stopped his reverie when she stopped in front of him.

"I'm not late, am I?" Shepard leaned in to kiss his cheek. _You know, all this time and our lips still haven't met since before she…died._

"No, not at all." Kaidan cleared his throat. "You look great."

Shepard's face pinched in a frown. "I feel like a stuffed turkey, and I'm roasting like one. I hate these uniforms."

Kaidan held out his arm. "Let's go. I'm sure it'll be over soon. Yours didn't take very long, as I recall."

More than three hours later, Kaidan sat and tried not to fidget. Udina had been talking for at least a half hour, before that, the other three councilors spoke at least 20 minutes apiece. He kept sneaking looks at Shepard, who looked more than bored. _At least she could sneak out from where she's sitting._ He felt bad that there were a few people missing the hoopla. Anderson, Hackett. They were fighting a war on Earth, and here he was sitting on his ass listening to one talk.

He looked over again at Shepard, who was now picking at her nails. A small smile came to his face when she looked his way. She made a gun with one hand and covered it with the other and pretended to shoot in Udina's direction. Kaidan made a fake stern look at her, but then smiled broadly. He was taken a bit by surprise when Udina's droning finally stopped and he heard him say, "Commander Shepard, as the first human Spectre, we are honored by your presence. Could you please come and say a few words about the newest inductee into your ranks?"

Shepard's face registered shock. The audience rose to its feet in applause, Kaidan included. She started to blush and made her way to the platform. Kaidan was in awe of the way all of these races; turians, asari, salarians and of course, humans were cheering her. Even the few elcor in attendance were uncharacteristically loud. _This is what it is about her that takes my breath away. Her ability to transcend cultures and overlook differences to bring people of all kinds together. It always seems like she genuinely cares about every person she meets. She overlooked my faults and even decided to love me in spite of them. That's what makes her beautiful._

Shepard made it to the podium and cleared her throat. "Um, I don't really do speeches. I'm sure you've all heard plenty today. Plus, many of you know, I'm a biotic, it's been a while since I've eaten and it won't be long 'til my stomach is speaking louder than my voice." The audience lightly laughed.

"Major Kaidan Alenko is a good man. One more than deserving of being called a Spectre. In duty, he is unfailingly loyal, but doesn't fear calling out his commanding officers if he believes something could be done better, as I know personally." She made a sly smile in his direction. "I've never known him to not act with integrity, and given the sometimes shady operations that have and must take place within the Spectre organization; he is a welcome breath of fresh air. I've been proud to call him a friend, and I'm even more proud to call him a fellow Spectre."

The crowd rose to its feet again, and this time Kaidan was embarrassed by the cheering. _There's no way I could measure up to Rachel's example._ Udina guided him up to the podium. Kaidan was relieved that it was finally time to administer the oath.

He kept his gaze forward as the councilors spoke, but he could see Shepard out of the corner of his eye. He did feel proud for this accomplishment, but he felt the most happy for the support of the woman standing just a few feet away.

**A/N: Thank you all so much for the favorites and follows and such over the weekend! I love you guys and you have made this little journey so fun! Please let me know what you like and don't like, and if you happen to have any ideas for a first, please share! **


	33. Old Doubts

HERS

_A series of messages between Rachel and Kaidan_

Rachel Shepard: Hey, we made it back to Tuchanka. Wrex says hi and asked me if you still smell like sex. I told him he was a dirty old man. He laughed and said curing the genophage will make him a dirty and horny old man. God, maybe this is a mistake? More Wrexes running around? J/K ;)

Kaidan Alenko: Don't you think there'd have to be sex to smell like it? Tell Wrex hi and that I smell as pure as the driven rain.

RS: I gave you the opportunity to change that after your ceremony. Your loss.

KA: Don't remind me. In all seriousness, you found a cure for the genophage?

RS: I didn't. A salarian I worked with to take out the Collectors named Mordin Solus did. He actually gave us some sort of inoculation against their little bugs. That's why we weren't frozen on Horizon.

KA: That's amazing! A salarian fixing what they started? I didn't know that could happen. Why are you doing this?

RS: Well, it's a convoluted way to get turian support. They want the krogan to help fight on Palaven. Krogan want a cure. Right now, I'm just sitting in a damn truck. We're supposed to… Shit! I have to go.

KA: Rachel? Are you ok?

_Some hours pass…_

RS: Ok, so I just saw some of the most amazing architecture on Tuchanka. I never knew the krogan had it in them. Apparently, they did, millennia ago. Riding in a truck again. There's a Reaper sitting near this Shroud thing.

KA: A REAPER? Good God, Rachel, you act like it's no big deal!

RS: Hopefully, it isn't. Wrex told us about this giant thresher maw and we're going to try to pit them against each other. So I hope that plan works.

KA: Holy hell, Rachel. A thresher maw too? You know I'm not going to be work now. Do you have a plan B?

RS: Not really. It'll be fine, Kaidan. Talk to you soon. Gotta go.

_A few more hours…_

KA: Rachel, I just need to know you are ok. I'm trying my best not to worry.

_Another hour passes…_

RS: I'm fine, Kaidan. The genophage is cured, Wrex is happy, but we lost Mordin in the process. I hate war.

KA: I'm sorry, what happened?

RS: Well, it's a long story. Short version…The salarians sabotaged this Shroud years ago in case something like this would happen. Mordin had to go up and fix it. He said it had to be him. Somebody else might have gotten it wrong. He was a weird guy, but he was a friend. Damn, I'm going to miss him.

KA: When are you coming to the Citadel again? I have a few things to tell you in person.

RS: Soon, we're going to get some stuff settled here and then head there to load up on supplies.

HIS

Kaidan walked into Councilor Udina's office. Being a Spectre and having those resources was pretty interesting, but feeling like Udina's gofer was a pain in the ass. He had only been doing this for a little over a week and his patience was already wearing thin.

Udina was sitting at his desk, looking intently at his console. "Alenko, I'm glad you're here," he said without looking up. "There is something you need to see. After what happened on Mars, you will find this enlightening."

His brow furrowed, Kaidan stood behind Udina as he started an audio file. Shepard's voice was unmistakable.

"If we stick together, we'll make it." Then a voice Kaidan had come to recognize. _The Illusive Man._

"I knew we brought you back for a reason. I've never seen a better leader." The filed faded out.

Kaidan ran his fingers through his hair. "This is awfully vague, Councilor. What are you trying to show me?"

"I'm trying to show you that you cannot trust Shepard," said Udina. "She is still with Cerberus. Probably as a covert agent now, even more so than she was before."

"You've been showing me these things since I've started. Not one of them had any real hard evidence to support what you are saying!"

"It isn't about what each of them say or don't say. This last one was dated just over a week ago. Right before your induction. You have to see this. It's a pattern, Alenko. There may not be enough to convict, but there is enough to _doubt._"

"Fine. I'll keep it in mind." _I wish I didn't have to. There's some smattering of truth there. I can't believe she'd be talking to the Illusive Man still! She said she was done with them. She told me…shit. Why do I let that bastard Udina get in my head? I need to hear about this from her._

Kaidan pulled open his omni-tool, seeing Shepard had just sent him another message. He typed out his own quickly. _When are you coming to the Citadel? I have a few things to tell you in person._ She was upset about her friend. Kaidan reasoned it wasn't the best time to talk about Udina or Cerberus.

A message came quickly back. _She'll be here soon. Then we can sort this mess out._


	34. Standoff

**A/N: First, thanks again for the follows and reviews! Gracie, you have made my day. I will be taking your ideas into consideration! This is a long chapter for me. Sorry for so much in-game dialogue. I did my best to change things up. Kaidan's half is much better, IMO. Please enjoy anyway!**

HERS

"Hey Rachel! Glad to hear your voice. What's your ETA?" Kaidan's husky voice piped through Shepard's omni-tool. She could see the Citadel from the cockpit window.

"ETA about 30 minutes. I've missed you."

"I missed you too. I'll be going on my lunch break soon. Have lunch with me. There are a few things I need to talk to you about."

"I would, Kaidan, but I have some really important business to take care of. In fact, I need to tell you about this too afterward. It could involve you. Could you postpone your break? Give me an hour past ETA."

"Sure, meet me…" Kaidan's voice dropped out. Shepard looked down and her tool had lost the connection.

"Alliance Control this is _SSV Normandy_. Are we cleared to descend?" Shepard could hear Joker as she tried to reconnect to Kaidan.

"Hey, uh, Shep? Let's try this again. Alliance Control this is _Normandy_. We are headed to bay 1-4 Zakera Ward. Are we cleared to descend?" He paused. "I'm still getting nothing, Shep."

"What's going on?"

"Hell, if I know. If there was a station malfunction, they'd at least have the backups online." Joker turned and looked at her with concern. "I've got a bad feeling here. I'm going to check emergency channels."

Joker moved his hands swiftly over the comm interface. He stopped when he seemed to make contact. "Hey! Yeah, this is Joker…. Uh huh…. Yeah, no kidding." Joker looked back. "Commander, there's a communication from Thane. He says it's important. Think you'll want to hear this."

"Put him through."

"Shepard, the Citadel is under attack. Cerberus troops are everywhere and they are in control of the docks." The drell's deep voice reverberated in Shepard's ears.

"Are you safe?"

"No, I had to evade their commandos at the hospital. I'm currently in a Presidium storefront."

"Do you know where Kaidan is?"

"We got separated. He was visiting me right before the commandos hit. You started talking to him as he was with me. When you were cut off, Udina called his tool, asking him to protect the Council."

Shepard absorbed the news. "Ok, Thane, can we meet you somewhere?"

"I'm headed for C-Sec headquarters. Find me there."

"Sure, why C-Sec?"

"It's been compromised, and their response depends on it. As long as Cerberus holds their headquarters, they have the station," explained Thane.

"Joker, get us away from the docks and take us in close to C-Sec headquarters. We'll get in there by shuttle." _Kaidan, I hope to God Cerberus doesn't do anything to you._

"Aye-aye, Commander."

"Garrus, James, meet me on the shuttle! Now!" Shepard ran toward the elevator.

As the shuttle jetted through the surprisingly empty Presidium airspace, Shepard could see smoke rising in numerous areas as well as scattered fire fights between Cerberus troops and apparently well-outnumbered C-Sec officers.

"Damnit, I feel like such a tool! How could I have ever worked with them? What the hell are they doing?" Shepard exclaimed in frustration.

Garrus answered in a calm, low voice. "You couldn't have known, Shepard. We all thought we were doing the right thing, and you were doing the right thing."

"Maybe, but now Kaidan's in danger, and I'm the one who put him there!"

"Alenko is a capable soldier. He'll be fine."

"I hope so…shit! I forgot about Councilor Valern and Udina!"

"What about them?" James asked.

"Valern contacted me not long after we left Tuchanka. Said something about Udina moving large amounts of money for unknown reasons. We were supposed to meet."

"Do you think Cerberus has anything to do with that?" said James.

"I don't know…but he'd better hope to hell he just has a damn expensive asari mistress."

The rest of the trip was a silent one as each took in the destruction. Landing near C-Sec headquarters was difficult as a major battle was being waged there. Cerberus commandos seemed to be streaming into the area while a smattering of C-Sec officers fought bravely.

James put the shuttle down and Shepard barked her orders. "We have to get to that doorway. Garrus, we need you to help us navigate the area. Cerberus does not keep C-Sec, understand?"

Both men grunted their acknowledgement and everyone jumped into the firefight. Battling their way through a swarm of the Cerberus soldiers, Shepard caught sight of her old ally, Bailey, slumped against the wall by the elevator door. When the last Cerberus fell, she ran to him.

"Bailey! Are you ok?" Shepard gave him a dose of medigel.

"Shepard, I saw those Cerberus troops on you. I thought you were done for."

"You underestimate me," smirked Shepard. "What are you doing here?"

"Getting my ass shot off trying to retake headquarters. Cerberus took it in the first push," Bailey grunted, trying to stand. "We gotta get them out of there. Everyone in C-Sec is flying blind without the network."

"Is this the situation everywhere? Are the councilors even alive?" Garrus asked. His questions chilled Shepard to the core. _He has to be alive._

"They split up," Bailey explained as Shepard helped him stand. "I'll know more if I can access a terminal inside."

"Can you get us in?" Shepard questioned.

"Yeah, I'll get the door," Bailey said, moving gingerly toward the locked console. "If nobody interrupts me with a bullet this time." The door seal flickered and opened.

"Holy shit," muttered James as they entered C-Sec HQ. The walls were riddled with bullet holes and the blood of the dead was splattered everywhere.

"Here we go, C-Sec network access courtesy of Cerberus," Bailey said sarcastically. Shepard, James and Garrus kept their eyes on the perimeter for more commandos.

"That doesn't sound like it's going to help," Shepard stated.

"No, not really," replied Bailey, "Cerberus has all the main channels, but I can set up a new one. Without it, our people have no plan and no chance."

"Can you get to personal comms anywhere on the station?" Shepard hated that she just verbalized her own personal fear.

"No, Cerberus took that out first thing." Bailey continued to peck away at the console. "Hello…"

"What have you got?"

Bailey was reading. "A warning from Councilor Valern. He's supposed to be meeting with the executor. 'Be on guard, the likelihood of betrayal from within is high.' Not a lot else, but if he is inside…"

"I was supposed to be meeting with him. Why would he be meeting with the executor?"

"Usually that means someone big's about to be prosecuted," Bailey declared. "Maybe someone with Cerberus ties…The councilor would have a clearer picture."

Shepard stood ready to move. "Well, one councilor is better than none. Where should we head?"

"The executor's office is defensible, maybe he went there when the shooting started."

"Fine, then that's where we go." They connected their omni-tools to have personal comm access, and Shepard, James and Garrus journeyed out.

"Thane, did you hear that?" Shepard hoped the drell was still connected.

"Yes, I'm nearing the building, but running is difficult. I will try to get to you."

"Fine, see you soon. Garrus, you take the lead in getting us to the office."

"Right, Shepard," Garrus replied, drawing his gun.

It didn't take long for the battle to renew again as they wove their way through C-Sec headquarters. With precision and in Shepard's mind, ruthlessness, they took down the enemy. Shepard felt angry; angry for the slightest bit of trust she had put in Cerberus when taking on the Collectors. She also was scared; scared that Kaidan was out there somewhere, lying dead from a Cerberus bullet.

"Here's the executor's office," Garrus declared.

"Do you see anything?" Bailey's voice broke in.

"The executor is dead. And so are two salarian bodyguards," Shepard said plainly.

"Damn. If you don't see the councilor's body, don't count him out yet. Keep searching."

Right then a moving chair on a lower level caught Shepard's eye through the window of the office. Councilor Valern then decloaked.

Shepard spoke quietly into her omni-tool. "We found him. He looks unharmed."

Before she could do anything else, a dark shadow dropped from above her to the level where Valern stood. She could see the unmistakable black and yellow insignia on the man's armor. Grabbing her gun, she blew out the window. The man moved like a silken black wind and was now standing on the other side of Valern, facing Shepard.

"Don't even think about it," she warned.

"He's going to kill us all!" Valern exclaimed.

Without taking her eyes from the man, Shepard replied, "That remains to be seen."

"No! I mean Udina. He's staging a coup. He's got the other councilors now—to hand them over to Cerberus!"

Garrus and James quickly came up behind Shepard. "Three on one, pal. Looks like you are outnumbered."

"No," the unknown man's dark voice intoned, as his biotics flared, "Now, it's fun."

The click of a gun distracted him, and Shepard saw Thane, his gun pointed at the Cerberus man's head. Quick as a flash, the man turned his attention to Thane and attacked. Shepard took this opportunity to move Valern to safety.

The battle was short and now it was the four of them, guns leveled at this mysterious operative who had a sword as his weapon. He attacked Thane again, this time knocking the gun from his hand, but Thane was still lithe on the battlefield and dodged his swinging sword. When he saw that he had the upper hand, Thane used a biotic blast to throw the man to the far end of the room in a blow that would have killed most.

This man was not most. He slid across the ground and leaped up with cat-like agility. The drell and the Cerberus operative ran at each other. Shepard gasped when she saw the flash of a sword.

"Thane!" she yelled, but it was too late. He had been run through with the sword. Blood gushed from Thane's back and abdomen. Shepard tried to lob a few shots at the man, but he quickly escaped. She turned back to where Garrus was applying medigel to both of Thane's wounds. How bad is it?"

"I have time," Thane said emotionlessly. "Catch them."

"Shepard! What's going on?" Bailey's voice crackled from her omni-tool.

"Thane's been hurt by an assassin. He needs medical help. I lost the Cerberus operative, but Valern's ok."

"He's probably after the other councilors."

"Bailey, get the word out. Udina is trying to seize power. I've got to get to the councilors." _And Kaidan._

They found a nearby C-Sec shuttle and took off to the Presidium landing pad that Bailey directed them toward. They had almost reached the area, when the Cerberus assassin landed with a slam on the car's hood.

"You son-of-a-bitch!" Shepard yelled and opened the door, giving James the wheel. The car wobbled as James took over, shaking both Shepard and the man. Drawing her gun, she tried to aim at his shoulder to blow him off the car and into the open air. His biotic barrier rendered those shots useless. He drew his sword again and slammed it down into the engine of the shuttle, causing it to sputter and lose power. He then wordlessly leaped into a nearby waiting car.

Slamming the door behind her, Shepard retook the wheel in a desperate attempt to keep some control on their landing. They wrecked, numerous levels down from where Bailey had said the councilors would be.

"Shepard, the sensors say your car's stopped."

"Yeah," she grunted, scrambling out. "We're on foot now. Have you gotten a hold of the Council?"

"Negative. Their guards are dead, but we still have vital signs on the councilors themselves," Bailey said. _Guards dead? Does that mean Kaidan too? Oh God, let this nightmare end!_

"Where are they?"

"They are heading to a shuttle landing pad, a few levels up from Shalmar Plaza. Udina is with them."

"That means they aren't safe. We need to double time it, guys," Shepard barked.

Cerberus seemed to have no intention of making their passage to an elevator easy. New operatives that moved like lightning swirled around the trio, creating a more difficult, but not impossible path. With Shepard's biotics, Garrus' sniper abilities, and James' brute strength (not to mention a few grenades), they blasted their way to an elevator.

As they passed into the corridor where they elevators were, Shepard and crew were just in time to see the mysterious assassin and a group of Cerberus operatives enter one. Garrus and James pried open an empty shaft, and they dropped down on the top of another lift.

"We're in the shaft, Bailey. Can you help us out?"

"Yeah, but it's going to be a fast climb. Hang on." The elevator took off upwards.

"Please tell me the assassin hasn't made it to the Council!" Shepard demanded.

"He's trying, but I've made his lift stop at every floor," Bailey chuckled.

Looking up she saw an elevator car stopping and starting. "I've found our friend."

"Kill his lift. There are some power conduits on the bottom."

Taking some shots, she took out the conduits and the car she was riding on zoomed past.

"I think that worked! Thanks, Bailey."

"The job's not done yet….uh oh. Shepard, bad news."

Shepard sighed, "Is there any other kind?"

"That hitman jumped to another elevator and he's overridden my controls. I can't stop him."

After taking out a few more operatives, Shepard saw an elevator moving at what seemed like a normal speed.

"Shepard, that's them, that's the Council," Bailey instructed.

"I see them." She jumped across the void, landing hard on the roof of the other car. Shots blasted through the roof at her as the elevator came to a stop.

"Shepard, the access panel," James said, prying open the car. They dropped down into the elevator, but the door was open and she could see the councilors and Kaidan running down the hall. He was stopped with his back turned to her. She could hear him shouting.

"Cerberus took out the shuttle. Everyone back to the elevator! Move!" He turned, but just in time to see Shepard and Garrus with their guns drawn. James hit the panel to close the doorway to the corridor behind them, locking it.

Shepard kept her aim at Udina. Kaidan looked confused.

"Shepard, what's going on?" he demanded, lowering his gun.

Udina interrupted. "Shepard's blocking our escape. She's with Cerberus! I told you!"

Kaidan looked back slightly toward Udina, pulling his gun back up. "Just hang on. I got this. Everyone calm down."

"Kaidan, let me explain this." Now Shepard was lowering her gun.

"This looks really bad. Guns drawn on the Council?"

She nodded to Garrus and James who then also lowered their guns. "Kaidan, we can't be screwing around debating this. You have all been fooled. Udina's behind this attack. The salarian councilor confirmed it. Did you notice that he wasn't here?"

Udina scoffed. "Please you have no proof. You never do. It's just more of her lies, Alenko. She's just a great actress who has managed to pull good people to her side. To Cerberus' side. Get rid of her!" _Kaidan, trust me again. I cannot force myself to kill you._

"There are Cerberus soldiers in that elevator shaft!" Shepard exclaimed. "We just took out about a dozen. If you go back in there, you are going to be killed."

The asari councilor nodded her approval. "We mistrusted Shepard before, about Saren. It did not help us."

Udina started walking toward a nearby console. "I can't believe you all trust her smoke and mirrors. We don't have time to debate this. I'm overriding the lock."

During this interchange, Shepard's eyes never left Kaidan, who still had his gun pointed toward her. She left hers down at her side while her eyes pleaded. _Please believe me. Please trust me. I would never lie to you._ Her heart was crying out to the man she knew still loved her, that she still loved, to just really trust her again. She felt a slight jolt in her body, so very subtle, but she knew it was her biotic power trying to manifest. _I can't help but start to lose it when he conjures up these emotions in me._

She saw his eyes soften and she could have sworn she saw a small flash of electric blue in them, and he said quietly, "I know."

He didn't say it out loud, but she heard something else in her mind…his voice, echoing the words, "I trust you."

"Udina, step away from the console."

"To hell with this!" Udina shouted as he pushed the asari who tried to stop him. Shepard quickly redrew her gun. She saw Udina draw one of his own and point it at the asari. "He's got a gun!" somebody yelled.

In less than a heartbeat, Kaidan pulled his trigger and Udina fell dead.

Shepard finally breathed again.

HIS

"Meet me by the Spectre office then." Kaidan looked confused as his omni-tool registered a lost connection.

"Is something the matter?" Thane, the drell Kaidan had befriended in the hospital, asked.

"The signal just dropped. Must be…"

"Alenko, you are needed at my chambers immediately. Cerberus is trying to take over the Citadel. I have the asari and turian councilors with me. We need your guard to help us escape," Udina's voice declared through Kaidan's tool. _Why would he be able to talk while Rachel got cut off?_ Kaidan hated the suspicion rising in him again.

Rising quickly, he started to walk toward the elevator, but a squadron of Cerberus troops burst in. Kaidan fought through them and found his way to an access tunnel, and began the descent to the human embassy.

Arriving at the locked door of Udina's office, Kaidan hacked it to gain entrance. Udina was pacing nervously, while the other two councilors seemed to be trying to contact others.

"We need to get out of here. Your office isn't safe, and Cerberus is crawling everywhere," Kaidan cried.

"I couldn't agree more," said Udina. "I've gotten us a shuttle that will take us to the _Destiny Ascension_ and to safety."

"Where is it?" Kaidan asked.

"Near the Shalmar Plaza, they couldn't get any closer without risking being shot at. It's an area not completely controlled by Cerberus yet."

Kaidan nodded and ushered the councilors out of the office. A handful of Cerberus troops entered the main commons area and Kaidan quickly dispatched with them using his gun and his biotics. _Where the hell is Rachel? And why would Cerberus be showing up at just the same time she is?_

The quartet moved quickly through more access tunnels toward the Shalmar Plaza. Kaidan kept a sharp eye out, but he couldn't help but have his heart be troubled. His furrowed brow, he hoped, just showed immediate concern for the councilors.

"Have you heard from Shepard?" Udina broke through Kaidan's thoughts.

"Yeah, she's, well, she was supposed to be arriving soon."

"How convenient," came Udina's snarky tone. "So she warned you of the attack?"

"No, she didn't say anything of the kind. She just—she said she had something to tell me. Why are you so interested?" Kaidan spat back.

"She is a Spectre, just like Saren was. If she's gone rogue, I need to know about it. If she's working for Cerberus, she's done just that."

"She said she had something to take care of beforehand and then we were to meet for lunch. I didn't think there was anything to be suspicious about." Kaidan wished he were lying. _Again, the coincidence is too much. Oh, God, Rachel, what did they do to you?_

"No details at all?" Udina's voice was a bit breathless from the fast pace Kaidan was making them keep.

"No, none."

"Shame. We could have used it at her tribunal. If she's lucky enough to get one. I will say, though, she is a crafty one."

Kaidan decided to wisely maintain his silence as they traveled through the bowels of the Citadel. Keeping his omni-tool open for navigational purposes, he hoped to see something come up from her. _Anything that could explain this, explain yours and Cerberus' simultaneous appearance._

They finally came out of the tunnel on the plaza.

"We can take this elevator up to the shuttle landing pad. Then we can escape the Citadel," Udina instructed.

The door closed and the lift started to move. The sounds of gunshots could be heard everywhere they traveled, but it seemed to Kaidan like they were unusually close to the elevator car. He gripped his gun tightly, looking down at the floor to concentrate on the noises he was hearing.

Suddenly, the car jostled as something crashed onto the roof.

"What was that?" the asari councilor shouted.

"Gunmen!" Kaidan yelled, lifting his gun and firing at the ceiling.

Udina had hit the stop button and the door swung open.

"Everyone out!" Kaidan ordered. The councilors complied and ran down the hallway to the open walkway ahead. When they reached the doorway, they could see a burning shuttle.

Kaidan was dismayed, and tried to quickly think of another plan. "Cerberus has destroyed the shuttle! Everyone back on the elevator. Move!"

As he turned, he saw Shepard coming through the open doorway, and James shut and locked it behind them. He was shocked to see her hard expression, but it wasn't leveled at him. She was looking at…_Udina._

"Shepard, what's going on?" He lowered his gun just slightly.

Udina shouted from behind him. "Shepard's blocking our escape. She's with Cerberus! I told you!"

Raising his gun again, because mistrust just couldn't be avoided in Kaidan's mind. _I need to slow things down. I just need to think! _ "Just hang on. I got this. Everyone calm down."

"Kaidan, let me explain this." She lowered her gun and raised her hands. He wanted to believe she was innocent. _Come on, Rachel. Show me something. Something real._

"This looks really bad. Guns drawn on the Council?"

A quick nod and Garrus and James lowered their guns as well. She looked directly into his eyes. "Kaidan, we can't be screwing around debating this. You have all been fooled. Udina's behind this attack. The salarian councilor confirmed it. Did you notice that he wasn't here?"

Kaidan heard Udina start to speak. "Please you have no proof. You never do…" Kaidan's vision narrowed and his ears filled with white noise as he continued to stare hard at Shepard. He wanted just to wish it all away, every damn accusation made by Udina, every time he himself had doubted her. He knew deep in his heart that if he had to, _he couldn't kill her. Not unless I turn that gun on myself right after._

"There are Cerberus soldiers in that elevator shaft!" Shepard pointed. "We just took out about a dozen. If you go back in there, you are going to be killed."

Kaidan heard more words fading in to the background, but his eyes couldn't leave hers. It was like she was talking to him. Wordlessly communicating her thoughts, like they did so long ago when they were lovers. He heard her saying, _Please believe me. Please trust me. I would never lie to you._ He saw a flash of blue in her green eyes and felt a shock in his own body. He remembered that sensation. _It is her voice._

Realization and a little bit of shame filled Kaidan's mind. "I know," came his low reply, and he turned toward Udina. _I trust you._

"I can't believe you all trust her smoke and mirrors. We don't have time to debate this. I'm overriding the lock."

"Udina, step away from the console," Kaidan said harshly.

"To hell with this!" Udina blustered. The asari councilor tried to stop him, but he roughly pushed her to the ground and reached into the back of his jacket.

"He's got a gun!" Kaidan yelled.

As quickly as he said it, he pulled his trigger, and Udina fell dead.

Kaidan felt like a huge burden had been lifted from his heart.


	35. Religion and Reconciliation

HERS

Shepard, Garrus and James helped Kaidan, Bailey and a C-Sec officer named Torres escort the remaining councilors to safety aboard the _Destiny Ascension._

"We'll have the trash pick up Udina's body," said Bailey with no sarcasm in his voice whatsoever when they were back at his office. "I can't believe that son-of-a-bitch sold out the whole damn Citadel to Cerberus. We're damn lucky you arrived when you did, Shepard."

Shepard chewed her thumbnail and just looked at him. She gave him no nod of approval. She was angry and she felt betrayed. She never did completely trust Cerberus during her time with them, _but what I was doing was right, wasn't it?_ She knew that destroying the Collector base was right, because of how it pissed off the Illusive Man. _Why had he wanted to keep it? Keep that abomination of a Reaper?_ _Why the hell were they trying to take the Citadel? _There were so many things she didn't understand, and she hated more than anything not knowing what was going on.

"Where's Thane? Is he ok?" Shepard said, remembering her friend.

"Well, he's back at Huerta, but he lost a lot of blood," Bailey said regretfully, looking over a file he pulled up on his console. "There isn't much of a supply of drell blood and they called in the only one we knew who was a match. You remember his son, Kolyat? He's with him now, and you'd better get down there too before….well, you know."

"I'll see you later, Bailey. Keep up the good work."

Thane's room was close to where Kaidan's had been, and Shepard decided she didn't like hospitals anymore, not that she ever really did. Stepping in to his room felt like stepping in to a tomb. Kolyat was there, and both men were silent. Kolyat looked like he was praying.

As she edged closer, Kolyat took notice and turned. "Commander Shepard, my father said you were no longer incarcerated. I don't know if you remember me. I'm Kolyat Krios. I came to donate blood, and…well…He asked me to take off his oxygen mask to be more comfortable. I don't think it will be long now." The sadness in the young drell's dark eyes was unmistakable.

"Your father helped me save a lot of lives. Would it be ok if I stayed?"

"Of course," said Kolyat, as he motioned toward an empty chair. The door swished open again. _Kaidan._ He was carrying a cup of coffee. He stopped short when he saw Shepard.

"Hi, I didn't expect you'd be here."

"Same here," she said quietly. "We can talk about this later." She looked back to Thane. This time he saw her and smiled.

"Siha, I'm afraid I've picked a bad time to leave."

Shepard took his hand, and she felt Kaidan's hand rest on her shoulder.

"That assassin should be embarrassed. A terminally ill drell managed to stop him from reaching his target."

Shepard sadly chuckled. "I'll pass the word along."

Thane's breaths were sharp. "There's something I must do before it gets worse." Coughs interrupted his words. A tear began to fall from Shepard's eye.

Thane relaxed a little and began to speak again. "Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness. Kalahira, whose waves wear down stone and sand…" More coughing.

Kolyat continued, "Kalahira, purge the sins of this one and set them on the distant shore of the Infinite Spirit."

"Kolyat, you pray as the priests do. You have spent time with them," Thane said proudly.

Kolyat nodded to his father and moved toward Shepard and Kaidan. "I have brought a prayer book. Commander, Major, would you care to join me?" Both nodded their agreement.

Following Kolyat's finger along the lines of the book with her eyes, she heard his voice start again. "Kalahira, this one's heart is pure, but beset by wickedness and contention." He motioned to Kaidan to read.

"Guide this one to where the traveler never tires, the lover never leaves, and the hungry never starve."

Shepard took the last line. "Guide this one, Kalahira, and she will be a companion to you as she was to me."

With the sound of the last words fading, the trio watched Thane's body relax for the final time. A second silent tear fell from Shepard's face. It was then she finally took notice of Kaidan's hand intertwined with her own. He gave hers a soft squeeze.

"Kolyat, there's something I don't understand," she said. "Why did the last verse say 'she?'"

"The prayer was not for him, Commander. He has already asked forgiveness for the lives he has taken. It was for you."

Letting go of Kaidan's hand, Shepard placed that hand on Thane's unmoving chest. Many tears were falling now, and she had no intention of hiding them. "Thank you, Thane," she whispered into his ear. "You have given me much more than I can ever repay. Say hello to Mordin for me."

Hugging Kolyat, Shepard whispered her condolences. Then she and Kaidan left the room to allow him some privacy.

"I had never heard drell prayers before," commented Kaidan. "Thane and I spent a good deal of time talking while I was here recuperating, but I never heard him pray. They're beautiful."

"I'll admit, I never did either. Not when he was on the _Normandy._ But knowing Thane and Kolyat, it's a shame the drell are so few. This galaxy would be a lot better of with a good dose of faith in something."

Kaidan and Shepard started to walk from the hospital. "Are you getting religious on me?" Kaidan asked.

"Well, I kind of already was. How much did you actually talk with Ashley, back on the SR-1?"

"Not too much. Her picking at me was incessant, and I was kind of distracted to develop too many relationships, I mean, friendships," he smiled.

"I did a good bit. Found we had something in common. Her father died; she said he was with God. She said something that stuck with me. She didn't know how anyone could look out at all the stars and not believe in something greater than yourself. I can't deny I never believed that was true."

"Yeah, I guess I understand where you're coming from," said Kaidan thoughtfully. "My mom was always in to that. Some of it rubbed off. Have a lot more questions than answers, though."

"Yeah…" Shepard answered sadly.

HIS

The pair continued on without any real destination in mind, staying mostly silent.

"What's on your mind, Kaidan?" Shepard asked without looking at him.

"I'm trying to wrap my mind around all that's happened. It isn't every day where you have an armed standoff with someone you love." They stopped in front of a Presidium storefront and faced each other. "The way it all went down, I don't know…"

Shepard reached for his hand. "You're talking about Udina, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I mean. I thought I was doing the right thing, working for the right person who had the same goals. I mean, I thought I was acting with integrity. What was I to him, a puppet? Was the Spectre thing part of his plan? I—" Kaidan shook his head in frustration. "I feel like I was used because I was an easy target, easy to manipulate or something."

"Kaidan, I think you and I have gone through the same things today. When I saw that Cerberus was trying to take over the Citadel, I didn't know what to think. I worked with them. _With_ them! Did I in some way help them start this? I was pissed because in my mind I had done the right things too."

"I never thought of it like that, Rachel. You know what? That makes a lot of sense. I don't know why I didn't see that before. I guess I needed to experience it myself to really believe you. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. What matters is that you believe me now."

Kaidan's omni-tool beeped.

"Hold on," he said. "I have a message from Admiral Hackett."

"Oh? Can you tell me what it says? If it's classified, I'll go."

Kaidan studied the text in front of him. "Hackett's offering me a position, back on Earth."

"Oh." Shepard looked down at the ground. "Well, maybe—"

"I'd turn it down in a second if there's any chance I can join you on the _Normandy_," Kaidan interrupted.

The smile that appeared on her face was sincere. "Kaidan, I couldn't imagine facing the Reapers without you. Welcome aboard, Major."

"Ha. About that…we still have a bit of a standing dispute on those CO quarters, don't we?" Kaidan smiled naughtily.

"Not really. I moved in. So I guess that means you are out of luck."

Kaidan cocked an eyebrow. "How about we go up there and settle this like adults?"

In the CO quarters, Kaidan could see Shepard had filled up the glass cases with model ships, and had about a million fish in the fish tank. He heard an errant squeak, only to notice a space hamster taking up residence on a shelf.

He was incredulous. "What is this? You running a zoo?"

"No, I like company. I get lonely after a while by myself."

"The fish, I get. Even the ships, that's fairly normal, but what is with the hamster?"

"What's wrong with my little Kaidan?" she asked, looking fondly at the hamster.

"Nothing, but I'm not little."

"Not you! Him!" She pointed at the furry little mammal.

Kaidan put his face in his hands. "You named your hamster Kaidan?"

"Not Kaidan, Little Kaidan. And yes, I did. He gave me someone to yell at. I got him before I saw you on Horizon. Afterward, the poor little guy took all my hate. Hardly made a squeak." She looked at the animal affectionately. Kaidan looked shamefaced.

"I can't tell you enough how sorry I am about all that. It was the hardest thing in the world with you gone, but then you were back and...I just didn't know what to think or feel."

Shepard stayed looking at the hamster. "You were the first thing I thought of, the first person I asked about when I woke up. I was scared to death, and I wasn't in a hospital. I was in some base that was under attack. I remembered everything about the _Normandy_ going down. I hoped to God you were ok. When they told me it was two years later, I almost lost it. I thought there was no way someone as wonderful as you couldn't have moved on with someone else who was probably a lot better and nicer to you than I am."

Kaidan held her and pressed her to his chest. "Rachel, we have so much to catch up on. I never spent one night without thinking of you, thinking of us. I want to get to know you again."

"Yeah, let's do that," she said quietly.

Kaidan led her to the couch and sat down. For hours, they talked and laughed, held hands and exchanged meaningful looks that Kaidan had been missing for too long. In the wee hours, they were both exhausted and laid on the bed next to each other. There was no pressure for sex; no rush for it either. He leaned back against the headboard and she nestled her head on his shoulder. Kaidan reached to dim the lights and they lay there, not sleeping, but not talking, until she broke the comfortable silence.

"Kaidan, I don't want you to leave."

"I'm not going anywhere right now, Rachel."

"No, I mean, forever. With the Reapers out there, I don't know how long we have. Our chances are minute at best."

"Yeah, I know."

"You are staying with me. No other assignments, no Spectre business, just me and you. We fight together. We..." She didn't finish.

"Just me and you. No dying," he said. And they fell asleep.

**A/N: I have had a good run of angsty, emotional chapters. I believe that a happy one is more than due. We shall see where the next one leads. :) Thank you again for reading!**


	36. Cookies

**A/N: I was gone for a little while for the holidays, but now I am back. Hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas!**

HERS

Shepard woke up warm and content. She looked to see the handsome man lying beside her, softly breathing. His arm was around her waist, so she gently maneuvered herself out from under it. Walking toward the bathroom, she stopped and looked back at Kaidan. _He's back on the _Normandy_. Back with me. I need to do something for him. There are a million other places he could be where he would be much more beneficial to the war effort. I don't even have a job for him on the ship._

Shepard stepped into the bathroom and started up the shower. As the water washed away her drowsiness, she began to think of a way to welcome Kaidan back. _Obviously, I could bang the shit out of him, but are we ready for that yet? No, something more subtle._ Lathering up with shampoo, she remembered the Citadel resort where Kaidan had cooked for them. _I'll cook something for him! Dinner? No, too complicated. Maybe bake something?_

Finishing up quickly, Shepard dressed and hurried out of her quarters before Kaidan awoke. She had work to do, and she wasn't sure how she was going to do it.

Arriving on the crew deck, Shepard looked around to make sure no one was hanging around the mess. Feeling satisfied that she wouldn't be disturbed; she opened up the cabinets and began looking for inspiration.

"Hey, Shepard? Looking for a snack?" Liara's voice made Shepard jolt.

"No, not really…I was, um…" Shepard's face turned a bright shade of crimson.

"Is this about the major?" Shepard hated that Liara always cut to the chase.

"Maybe…I wanted to make him something, but I can't cook."

Liara started shuffling through the cabinets. "Are you wanting to make him breakfast? Or a treat?"

Shepard traced her finger on the counter. "A treat sounds good."

"What does he like? Chocolate, fruit, cinnamon?"

Shepard's face pinched into a frown. "I really don't know…"

"Ok," sighed Liara, "then you should probably make something easy that everyone pretty much likes. Chocolate chip cookies."

"Do you know how to make them?" Shepard said slowly.

"Well, no, but I've had them before. Bought them from a human bakery on Illium. They were very tasty. Besides, how hard can it be to make little circles?"

HIS

When Kaidan awoke, the spot in the bed where Shepard had been was cold. He sat up and looked around. _I guess she went on to her duty shift. Why didn't she wake me up?_ He shook his head and climbed out of the bed. His back was stiff from the way he had been leaning against the headboard all night. Groaning, he held his arms over his head and tried to stretch.

He wasn't quite sure what to do with himself since he really had no assignment on the _Normandy_ other than to accompany Shepard on ground missions when she asked him. He still hadn't heard anything from his parents and he was trying very hard not to worry about them. _I'm sure they are fine…they were heading out to the cabin. Anderson said the Reapers were focusing on cities. They escaped. It's ok._

Kaidan's stomach made a loud protest of hunger. He needed to get something to eat quickly, but a quick look in the mirror said he needed to bathe first. Kaidan undressed and quickly got in the shower. The hot water felt great and eased away his tension, but not his worry. The previous night, he and Shepard spent a long time talking and reminiscing. She had said how much she liked his parents, how much fun she had in Vancouver, and now…He shook his head. He didn't want to face it. Not right now.

Shutting off the shower and wrapping a towel around his waist, he looked again around the Shepard's room. _She really did make it hers,_ he chuckled. He heard a small squeak and looked over at Little Kaidan, the space hamster. He wondered how much abuse the little guy actually took from her. Kaidan didn't know much about animals, but the hamster looked well-fed and healthy. He couldn't help but think that she probably poured as much love into him as hate.

It was this side of Shepard that he loved so much. She was strong to the galaxy, but to him, she was soft and vulnerable, even nurturing. _In a funny way, she reminds me of Mom._ Kaidan's heart fell again. He hated not knowing, and there was precious little information coming from Earth. The likelihood of their survival wasn't good, and Kaidan knew that. He mentally chided himself for being so moribund.

Still, as he waited on the elevator to reach the crew deck and the mess, he couldn't help but wish he had some bit of home with him. He had left Earth so quickly he had nothing from his own apartment, which was also likely destroyed. No mementos, no holos, nothing. The elevator door opened and Kaidan suddenly felt very lonely in the universe.

A strange smell wafted into his nose as he rounded the corner into the mess. He saw Liara standing over a tray, gently placing something on it with a spatula. Shepard was hunched over pushing a baking sheet inside one of the ovens. Curiosity overwhelmed him and he approached the pair, realizing the smell was just unusual for a ship, but actually quite enticing.

"Hey! What are you two up to?" he asked.

Shepard closed the oven and straightened up. "Oh hey, Kaidan. We were just making something for you." Her smile was warm and inviting. The mess kitchen was literally that. Flour was everywhere and Kaidan couldn't quite figure out how these two really intelligent women made such a disaster. Shepard looked disheveled and Liara looked serene as usual. The whole situation made him laugh from the absurdity.

"I'm impressed," said Kaidan, nodding his head. "What did you make?"

"Chocolate chip cookies," Liara said simply.

Shepard looked at him expectantly "Why don't you try one? They just came out of the oven!"

Kaidan picked up one of the cookies which was warm and smelled wonderful. Shepard smiled proudly as he took a bite. He couldn't help but mentally brace himself thinking that Shepard probably hadn't learned to cook in the past few years after coming back. When the taste hit his tongue, his eyes opened wider in surprise. _They taste just like my mom's. Soft baked. Did she use real butter?_

"This is…fantastic. You…I mean, you both made these?" Kaidan said, still chewing.

"Well, of course we did," Liara piped in, barely containing her exasperation. "We are quite capable."

Kaidan sat and finished eating the cookie in silence, watching the pair continue, but particularly Shepard. They had made a bit of an assembly line. Liara scooped the dough onto the sheets while Shepard placed them in the oven and watched the cookies hypervigilantly. She hovered like his mother did when she would cook. Tasting the last fading bit of cookie in his mouth, he was suddenly embarrassed to feel a sting in his eyes. _Oh my God, I cannot cry. _He closed his eyes and tried to will away the feeling.

"Kaidan, what's wrong? Are the cookies bad?" Shepard was right beside him now.

He cleared his throat. "N-no, they're great. Really."

Shepard sat down beside him and leaned in close. She smelled like cookies. "Come on, Kaidan. Level with me."

"I, uh, was just thinking about my parents. I still haven't heard from them. I've been worried."

Shepard placed a sticky hand on his. "I can't say something to make you feel better, because I don't know that it's going to be ok."

"Actually, this helps," he said, motioning toward the plate of cookies she brought. "They taste just like my mom's, and it makes this sort of feel more like home."

Shepard stood up and brushed herself off. She placed a dusty kiss on Kaidan's head and whispered into his hair, "I'm here, Kaidan. I'll be home for you."


	37. Sanity Check

**A/N: Another long break! Sorry! But this one took me longer than expected. More of fixing bad/awkward ME3 conversations and timeline…and a fun plot twist because why not! :)**

HERS and HIS

Tali and Legion were back in the War Room. So was a whole hell of a lot of shit. Shepard sat in the mess and pressed her hands against the sides of her head to try and thwart the impending headache. _Another race, another set of conditions for their help in the war. Everyone seems so damn short-sighted. Now I have to help the quarians fight their own shitty war._

Kaidan had been staying with her in the Captain's Quarters for the few days since he rejoined the crew, but surprisingly, nothing sexual had happened between them. He saw the strain in her eyes when the full scale of what the quarians wanted hit her. He let her vent, he let her sleep. In all honesty, he himself wasn't up for being amorous either. So much of his time was spent tracking down his students, figuring out what his role really was on the _Normandy_, trying to find out anything about his parents…and then when he finally did…

He was staring out the large window in the starboard observation deck. He heard the door open and felt Shepard's presence. He didn't even need to look to know it was her. He sighed and started talking.

"It all seems so calm from here, but there are people going through hell in a million different ways out there." Her steps drew closer. "I want to be fighting alongside them, but…" He turned to look at Shepard. "I want to be here too."

"I'm glad you are," she said, wrapping her arm around his, "You are fighting alongside me, but you're thinking about something specific."

Kaidan's eyes were suddenly downcast. "I, uh, heard from my mom finally. My dad is…MIA. He's presumed…" His eyes betrayed a thousand emotions.

"What happened? I thought you said they had left Vancouver." she said quietly.

"They did. He left my mom at the cabin, and reported back for active duty. It's all she knew, but, well, it's enough. I hate that she's alone now in all of this."

"At least you know she is ok. I don't know where my mom is, and Dad is, well, the last time I talked to Hackett, he said my dad had been near the Charon relay when the Reapers came through. He was heading back to the Citadel, I guess. They blew through the First Fleet and his transport ship just happened to be there too. So I hope it helps to have some empathy."

He looked at her with a horrified expression. "Rachel, why didn't you tell me? I'm here all absorbed in my own personal hell and didn't even think about yours."

A bitter smile crossed her face. "You know I was never close to them…I was closer to Mordin and Thane. Hell, I was closer to your parents. I'll be fine," Shepard lied.

He pulled her into an embrace and kissed her forehead. "I know you will be. Somehow you always are, but we need to get some time away from this."

Shepard pulled away from him, looking incredulous. "Kaidan, we _can't_. The whole damn galaxy is at war. We can't just…leave."

"I'm not saying take off. I'm just saying…I want to have a proper date with you. You know we've never had one. Just dinner, next time we're at the Citadel, ok?"

Shepard relaxed a little. "Ok, fine. We'll do that. We have to help the quarians end their goddamn war with the Geth first." She closed her eyes and brought his hands up to her forehead. "We can get through this…" Kaidan thought she sounded like she was more talking to herself than him.

She put his hands down and smiled at him sadly. She felt she really was near her breaking point, but she couldn't lose it, not now, not in front of him. Walking away, she felt his eyes follow her and a piece of her wished that she could just leave the war behind.

x-X-x

Shepard didn't want to move. She had hardly moved since she got back on the_ Normandy_. She was drowsy and she knew she had fallen asleep in her armor, but now it was sitting neatly by the couch and she was just in her thin protective undergarments. _How long have I been out? _She rolled over and moaned.

It had been a really shitty few days. She nearly was killed by the quarian fleet, ran through some Geth program, saved a quarian admiral, stared down a Reaper alone, and then watched Legion commit suicide for the betterment of his people. Now, both the quarians and the Geth were dedicated to fighting the Reapers. _I wish I felt better about the whole thing._ Her exhausted body drifted off again.

When Kaidan entered the room about an hour later, he saw Shepard sprawled on the bed. Her face was still etched with worry. He tried to gently move her to place her on a pillow, but she roused despite his care.

"Kaidan? What's going on?" she said sleepily.

"Just go back to sleep. We'll be at the Citadel in a few hours."

"A few hours? What the hell? We were at the Far Rim!"

"Rachel," he whispered, "you've been asleep for nearly two days."

"What?! How does anyone know what's going on?"

"I took command to let you rest. God knows you need it. Everything is fine. Chakwas was even ready to give you a sedative if you didn't sleep long enough. We're going to the Citadel to get supplies and we need to meet with the asari councilor. There will also be a mandated 36 hour shore leave. I doubt we'll have a chance again for a long while."

"You know I don't like being coddled," she growled.

Kaidan's voice was firm. "No one is coddling you. You've done a hell of a lot and you need to be at your best. You nearly fell apart over a Geth. We can't have you …" He stopped and sighed. "You don't need a lecture right now. The shore leave starts about 2 hours after we reach the Citadel. Meet me for our dinner then, ok? I'm going to take care of getting the supplies. You meet with the councilor."

Shepard fell asleep again after the door hissed shut behind Kaidan. She woke up again when she felt the engines power down. She knew they were at the Citadel. Finally rising from the bed, she moved quickly to shower and dress. _Kaidan never said what kind of a place it was where we were meeting, so fatigues it is._

Arriving at Udina's office was disconcerting, but when she heard what the asari councilor was offering, Shepard was pleased. _It took damn near long enough to get them behind us and actually help. Now to Thessia to get to that artifact._

A ping from her omni-tool alerted her to a message and navpoint.

**KA: Rachel, when you are finished with the councilor meet me at the navpoint. I promised you a real date.**

She followed the directions and soon was in an area of the Presidium that brought back a lot of memories. She was near that resort they had stayed at after she ditched her parents. As she approached the building, she remembered that there was a restaurant there, but she and Kaidan had never left their room.

She walked past the front desk toward the restaurant where Kaidan's navpoint was leading her. At the maître-d's stand she stopped. "May I help you?" the friendly salarian asked.

"Yeah, I'm meeting someone here. Maybe under Alenko?"

"Oh yes! Of course, right this way, ma'am." He led her past other diners and she was surprised by the opulence of the room. They approached a doorway that was closed. "Right in here, ma'am," the salarian motioned. "Enjoy your dinner," he said as he waved the door open. This room was even more extravagant than the last. It was also much smaller. Only a few tables were around, but each one was filled with vases of flowers. Shepard cocked an eyebrow at the spectacle. She had never been one for flowers and girly stuff.

As she rounded another table full of flowers, she saw the relatively empty table in the middle of the room. Kaidan stood there smiling dressed in a civilian suit and looking simply dashing. On the table sat a Geth pulse rifle.

"You knew I was jealous of Legion's gun, didn't you?"

"Tali and I both knew. This is Legion's gun. She wanted you to have it."

Shepard took the rifle and handled it gently like it was glass. "This really means a lot to me. Thank you, Kaidan."

Kaidan shook his head. "That wasn't from me." He pulled out a chair and motioned for her to sit down. "I promised you a real dinner date, and that's what I plan on doing." He then sat beside her and a server brought several hors d'ourves, which Shepard began to pick at hungrily.

"How'd you pull this off? You can't get stuff like this very easily anymore."

"The resort was surprisingly accommodating to a Spectre, let alone two, but it's probably better not to ask how or where they get their supplies. I'm glad we're finally taking the time to do this. We could use a sanity check."

Shepard laughed. "What the hell does that mean?"

Kaidan looked serious. "It's been really crazy lately, and after I got hurt on Mars, I realized how little time I spent with people I actually care about. There weren't enough moments like this." He took her hand into his. "I'm glad that I convinced you for half a second to sit down and relax. I really didn't want to pull rank on you," Kaidan laughed.

"I guess you're right. We do need to decompress a bit."

"Exactly," Kaidan signaled for the server to return. "What are you drinking? If I remember right, that always seemed to loosen you up." He eyed her playfully.

"Well, I seem to remember a bottle of Peruvian whiskey I got you in the hospital. You hiding it from me?"

"I am. So?" Kaidan said as the waiter arrived.

Shepard looked at the asari directly. "I'd like a beer, whatever you've got, except batarian stuff. That just tastes like piss."

"And for you, sir?" the asari asked Kaidan.

"The same."

As the asari left, Kaidan turned back to Shepard. "You know…I don't remember the last time I actually went on a date…" He stopped abruptly, looking embarrassed.

"What? You remember?"

"Well, it was…the night I found out you were alive." His voice was soft.

"Oh," said Shepard thoughtfully. "If it makes you feel any better, I've never actually been on a date."

"Never?"

"Nope, never. Kind of makes me look bad, huh?"

Kaidan chuckled. "That's impossible. Just…easy." He winked at her.

"You son of a bitch! Easy?" Shepard said in mock offense as she smacked his arm. "I should throttle you right here!"

"That would only prove my point…It wouldn't be violent long." Kaidan's hand reached under the table to touch her thigh. Suddenly, Shepard remembered all the desire she had been holding back. It had been nearly 3 weeks since Kaidan came back and she didn't know why she hadn't even thought about making a move on him. _He is still so damn sexy. I had that fine piece of ass in my bed and all I've done is sleep. I'm a failure as a woman._

Kaidan saw a look of what he thought was alarm cross her face when he touched her and he quickly withdrew his hand. "I'm sorry…I guess I thought we, um…" His face flushed red.

"Kaidan, how are you sleeping?" she said abruptly, trying not to let her own face flush. The asari returned with their drinks and Shepard quickly took a swig of her beer.

"What?" Confusion creased his face.

"I mean what I'm saying…I pass out every night. How are _you_ sleeping?"

"Well, ok, I guess…maybe a little restless."

"It's my fault, isn't it? I try not to bother you with my nightmares," Shepard said regretfully.

Kaidan impulsively grabbed both of her hands. "It isn't that at all. It is you, but…"

"But what? _You're_ the blanket hog," she smiled.

"I, um, still wonder about us. I've made a living at beating around the bush, but this isn't the time for that anymore. I love you, Rachel. I always have. I want to make it real again. Do you remember when we traded tags?"

"Yeah, I nearly cried when Liara gave me mine back."

"I've felt just as blessed…she brought you back into my life. Thinking about everything that's happening, caution isn't a luxury I can afford anymore." Shepard thought she saw uncertainty in usually calm, steady eyes. "I don't want to wonder about us anymore, Rachel. About whether or not we're going to end up together when this is all over. There's too much uncertainty in this universe as it is."

"So what are you getting at, Kaidan? You know that I've been yours all these years, even when you weren't mine."

"This is going to seem…sudden, but I can't imagine us doing this any other way." He pulled a box from his pocket and opened it to show a simple band with a few sparkling gems embedded in it.

"Rachel, I want you to be my wife. I don't know why or how, but you've become a part of my soul. I can't live this life without you." He pulled the ring from the box. "This ring, I had made just for you. It's a low profile so it won't catch on your armor and the metal doesn't interfere with biotics."

Shepard sat there for a second, taking it all in. _Kaidan isn't one to do things spontaneously. How long ago had he been planning this?_ "Kaidan, I-I don't know what to say…"

"Before you say anything, let me finish. This isn't just a dinner date, or at least, it doesn't have to be. I contacted a priest, and he is waiting outside. Life is too short…too unpredictable. You say the word and we can do this right now."

"Oh my God…is this real? Are you serious?"

"Never more in my entire life." He fingered the ring nervously, waiting for her approval.

"Well…then yes." She offered her hand, and he slid the ring on her finger. Then Kaidan looked over toward a waiting asari and nodded slightly, and Shepard saw her leave the room.

Relief flooded Kaidan's features and he smiled broadly at her, bringing his hand up to tuck some hair behind her ear. "You have made me so happy. You ready for this?"

"I never thought I'd get married in fatigues," she giggled and was instantly annoyed at the sound of it.

"You won't. It's taken care of," Kaidan said. Shepard saw the asari reappear through the doorway, but she wasn't alone. She had two other asari with her.

"Please come with us," the first asari said, leading Shepard away into a side room. There were 3 dresses laid out, each of them appropriate for a wedding. "Choose one," another asari said. "We'll help you get dressed and properly adorned."

Shepard furrowed her brow and tried to decide. She didn't do dresses. _So which one would Kaidan like the best?_ Each one had its own advantages, but Shepard finally settled on one. With one of the asari to help her, she took off her military garb and stepped into the dress. The material was delicate and flowing.

"Commander Shepard? We are so honored to be able to do this for you today! How surprised were you?" the third asari gushed as she made Shepard sit and began to fuss with her hair. "Is there any way you would prefer for me to fix your hair?"

"Um, yes, I've been very surprised, and no, I always have it back and up. Do what you want."

Shepard couldn't help but feel very uncomfortable as the three asari curled and painted and brushed until she couldn't recognize herself in the mirror. They cooed in unison as Shepard stood there, a critical eyebrow raised. _I look like a goddamn hooker. Too much makeup, hair is too big…_ "I can't do this," Shepard said suddenly.

"What do you mean? You going to break his heart!" one asari cried out.

"No, there isn't enough hell in this universe that I wouldn't go through it for him…except this." She motioned at herself. "I'm just not one for all this frilly stuff. Please, just straighten my hair out and take off some of the makeup. It's too much."

The asari dutifully complied and when they finished, they turned her around and one said, "You look so beautiful. Have you ever considered a relationship with an asari? We're very accepting of mult-" She was quickly elbowed by her friend.

Shepard smiled and shook her head. "So now what? I guess I'm ready, right?"

The asari giggled to themselves and led Shepard back out into the room where Kaidan was waiting. He was now in his dress blues looking every bit the handsome soldier she fell for three years ago. A soft smile crept onto his face as he watched her approach. _Just like that first time he smiled at me in the med bay._

Kaidan held his breath as she approached. Shepard's dress mostly ivory, but with two bands of purple that went from the bodice to the floor. It hugged her breasts gently then flowed to the floor with ease. Her hair was straight and smooth, and down like he liked it to be. He could tell she was uncomfortable and it made him chuckle. _She has no idea how beautiful she is._

She looked from Kaidan to the drell priest and was surprised to see it was Thane's son, Kolyat. He nodded at her when he saw recognition in her eyes. "I didn't know that you were actually a priest," she said quietly as Kaidan took her hand.

"Well, after you stopped me from that assassination, my father and I talked. He encouraged me to find the ways of our ancestors. That is what I had been doing ever since. I am only an apprentice, but still endowed with the authority to marry," explained Kolyat.

_Marry. _Shepard and Kaidan looked at each other. With a hasty breath, Kaidan smiled and said, "Are you ready?"

"Nope," she smiled and took his other hand, "but I think you and I can become ready together."

They both looked at Kolyat, who then opened his prayer book and began to say a marital blessing. "Goddess Arashu, guide this pair on their journey as the separate lives they had are now entwined in a bond unbreakable. Goddess of Protection, bring them to a place of security in each other and the family they build together. Goddess of Motherhood, join these wandering souls to create a new piece of the universe, one that anchors the soul and lets the heart fly. As they speak their words, Arashu, may your strength endure with them." Kolyat looked up from his book. "It is now appropriate for you to speak your blessings and vows to each other."

Kaidan saw the fear in Shepard's eyes and he gave her hand a quick squeeze and began to speak. "Rachel, your life came crashing into mine almost literally. You have brought me the greatest joy and the deepest sorrow I have ever known. Now, that we have this second chance, I will not waste it. Your life is where I belong and it's what I will protect. I will help you know real love and build the family you never had."

Shepard took a shaky breath. _Just open your mouth…you can't ruin it this time. He'll love whatever you say._ "Kaidan, you were the last thing I was looking for in my life, but you changed me so completely that if I were ever without you…well, I don't know how you endured hell for two years." She smiled sadly as if in apology. "I thought I was broken after Horizon, but I felt real agony after Mars. I won't let that happen again. You are my foundation, and even if the Reapers tear the galaxy apart, my love for you will remain."

Kolyat smiled and spoke. "I've been told it is human custom to kiss at the end of the ceremony. So, how is it said? You may kiss the bride?"

Regardless of Kolyat's questioning on the phrase, Kaidan took Shepard's face in his hands, and leaning in, he kissed her. His heart clenched inside of him in joy and relief. _I have waited so long for this, for her. _His kiss was gentle and her lips were soothing.

"What did you call this?" Shepard asked, tears glistening in her eyes. "A sanity check?"

"Yeah," Kaidan laughed as he quickly wiped his own eye. "A sanity check."


	38. Honeymoon

**A/N: This chapter took a while to come together. I had about 3 or 4 other ideas that just didn't work out in the writing. I hope this shorter, fluffy one will satisfy! Thank you so much to my new followers and favorites! You guys brighten up my day!**

HIS and HERS

"You don't have a ring, Kaidan. And I'm not about to share you with anyone…," Shepard said lazily. Kaidan rolled over in the bed and wrapped his arms around his wife. "We'll take care of it before we leave. I wouldn't want anyone to believe I'm available either." _Damn, it is like sin how sexy he is…especially the next morning. And now, no one can do a damn thing about us._ A smile creased her face as she looked at Kaidan, whose eyes were still closed.

She leaned in and gave him a kiss on his jaw and got a half-hearted kiss on her cheek in response. "That's not good enough, _dear_. I thought we were on our honeymoon…," she said as she began to lay lingering kisses on his chest and his neck.

Smiling, but still not opening his eyes, Kaidan shifted in the bed. "Rach, come on, we barely got any sleep last night as it is…" _I'm dead tired, but hell, I'm the luckiest man alive._

"It isn't my fault you…stayed up." Shepard laughed at her lame innuendo. "And besides…I need you…" Her hand reached down beneath the blankets to touch him.

"Hey, now wait…" Kaidan's hand blocked hers from reaching her target. "Give a guy a minute, ok?"

"You've had…," Shepard looked at her omni-tool. "You've had 4 hours. That's plenty of time to recharge." When she looked back at him, his brown eyes were open and when they met hers, they crinkled slightly as he smiled.

A husky chuckle emanated from his chest. "I don't think I'll ever be able to deny myself the pleasure of you again." His arms wrapped warm and smooth around her body. His lips laid briefly on her own before they moved to her cheek and neck. His hands moved to cup her breasts and gently knead her nipples. Shepard let out a little sigh of pleasure as she ran her hands down the sides of his body and over his firm, muscular thighs.

Shepard pulled Kaidan's face up so that he was looking into her eyes. It was like it was before, before Horizon, _before Alchera_. They found a place again where love was new and available and theirs.

Kaidan's brown eyes became tinged with blue as his face moved closer to hers. Her skin tingled from the mingling of their biotics and she knew that her green eyes had the same blue tint as well. When he touched her again, she felt their minds beginning to intertwine like they had so long ago. They became intoxicated with their combined consciousness, and their bodies moved in slow motion so they could each handle the other's arousal. Their eyes were locked as Kaidan pushed himself inside her; both of them breathing heavily.

Unlike the previous night's passion, there was no urgency to their lovemaking. Shepard reached to cup Kaidan's face and touch his graying temple as he rhythmically moved in her. She felt great desire for him, but her heart was also speaking a language she didn't quite understand. Echoing in her mind were ideas of acceptance, family, security. She knew they didn't come from her but from the depths of Kaidan's heart. _I accept you, I will be your family, you will know security._ Those words rolled through her mind and burned themselves on her heart.

Soon, their bodies began to demand release. The tension in both of them was rising and her breath began to hitch. Kaidan began to move more quickly and he could no longer hold back. It only took a few quick thrusts and Shepard let out a cry as she gave in to the pleasure he gave. As she pulsed around him, Kaidan let go, clutching her shoulders, and groaning through his own release.

The biotic haze dissipated around them and they were soon alone in their thoughts again. Kaidan's hand gently stroked her thigh, while she leaned back against his chest.

"You meant it, don't you?" she said quietly.

"Meant what?"

"You are here, with me, for the long haul."

"I wouldn't have married you if I didn't want to be." He kissed her hair on the back of her head. "I promised you I would be the family you never had. Having second thoughts already?"

"No!" She rolled over to face him. "No, you're the only part of my life that hasn't felt like a mistake."

Both of their omni-tools beeped. Kaidan sighed deeply. "It's time to get back to the _Normandy_," he said.

"What about your ring?" she said as she reluctantly sat up and started searching for her clothes.

"I guess it'll have to wait until later." He grabbed her waist from behind and squeezed her tight. "Don't worry, I won't be playing the field anymore."

"Kaidan, it isn't you I'm worried about," Shepard laughed.


	39. Security

HERS

Collapsing again on her bed, Shepard moaned in exhaustion. It seemed she couldn't do anything anymore without crushing fatigue. She knew it was everything that she was facing. _The end of the galactic community as we know it. The extinction of so many races._ Her head ached at the thought of failure, but it was a thought that would not let her mind go.

It had been a few weeks since the quickie wedding took place, and she and Kaidan had been running non-stop since then. First, they rescued a group of Cerberus defectors on the planet Gellix. There she reunited with Jacob Taylor. When they talked, she couldn't help but see jealousy in Kaidan's eyes. Perhaps because he was another biotic, perhaps because he had been there when Kaidan wasn't.

Whatever it was, as soon as Jacob surprised Shepard with his relationship with Dr. Brynn Cole, Kaidan relaxed a bit. _He can't help it, and to see him a little jealous is cute._

Shepard had planned to head to Thessia next, but Hackett ordered the _Normandy_ to do some covert work to stop Cerberus from taking communications stations and gather Reaper artifacts that they had been studying as well. It was just a never-ending cycle of work, tedium, and more work.

Right now, though, was the tedium time. The time between missions. Kaidan was down in the mess eating. Shepard was so tired that food sounded like a terrible idea, so she went straight to bed. She stopped at her console to see that Jacob had sent a message saying to stop by Huerta if she got a chance to get back to the Citadel. She made a mental note to do that.

Lying there, she could hear the hum of the ship's engine. Usually it was comforting, right now it was loud and annoying. _Are the inertia dampeners off or malfunctioning? God, this ship feels like it's swirling._ Shepard's stomach took a swoop as she thought she felt the ship turn. _I'm going to be sick._

She leaped up from the bed in time to see the door open and Kaidan walk in. Running for the toilet, she didn't acknowledge him. A look of alarm hit Kaidan as Shepard dove to the floor and vomited in the head. Waves of retching kept coming and soon Shepard's stomach had nothing to give.

"Rachel! What's wrong?" Kaidan asked, standing in the doorway. "Do I need to get Chakwas?"

"No," she croaked. "I'm just so tired and Joker must be pulling some kind of acrobatic maneuvers with the _Normandy_. I'm going to kick his ass." Another wave of nausea had her heaving into the toilet. _Oh my God, I'm dying. I'm fucking dying._

"Rach, get some rest. We're in need of more heat sinks and unfortunately, a fuckton of other stuff. Those side assignments have seriously depleted us." Kaidan walked over to the console. "Joker, what's our next destination?"

"We were headed to Thessia, Major. ETA about 36 hours."

"Belay that. Head to the Citadel first. We've got some things to take care of before heading to Thessia."

"Aye-aye," Joker said.

Kaidan walked back to where Shepard was lying on the bathroom floor doing her best impression of a pale puddle of flesh.

"Ok, Rachel," he said, hefting her up gently. "You are getting into bed. Sleep whatever this is off and we'll be at the Citadel. You can help me requisition the supplies."

"I'm supposed to see Jacob at Huerta," she said weakly. Kaidan frowned slightly.

"Fine, you do that. See how his girlfriend is doing on the Crucible, ok?" He laid a gentle kiss on her cheek and pulled the comforter over her body._ He said something about Dr. Cole for his own security. Silly Kaidan._ Shepard relaxed and a little snore soon started.

Shepard awoke a few hours before they arrived at the Citadel. Kaidan was gone. She showered and immediately felt more human. There was a touch of queasy still, but that was easily squelched. She headed down to the mess because her body was finally telling her hunger was important. _I've got to get something in this stomach before I lose it all again._

Gardner was there as usual. "Well, hey, Commander! The Major said you might be on your way. I've got your favorite, hashbrowns and onions, scrambled eggs. I know it isn't breakfast, but well, you just can't go wrong with a hearty meal like that." Gardner pushed the plate of food toward Shepard. _It smells ok…why doesn't it smell great?_

She sat down as she started feeling dizzy again. This time there was no bed lay down on and the toilet wasn't close enough. Shepard felt her body go limp and the world went black.

"Commander?" Shepard heard a lilting British voice in her ears. _What the hell is going on?_ A cool breeze rushed over her face. She opened her eyes and the harsh light of the Citadel pounded into them. The scenery was moving…_I am moving._

"What's going on?" Shepard drawled, her mouth not moving nearly as quickly as her mind.

"You passed out in the mess on the _Normandy_, dear," Chakwas said. "Since we were already here at the Citadel, we're taking you straight to Huerta."

"Where's Kaidan?"

"The major is on his way," Chakwas said as she followed the gurney along. "He said you had been ill last night."

"Yeah…I think this is just a stomach bug. I haven't eaten in about 24 hours."

Chakwas clicked her tongue and shook her head. "Shepard, biotics cannot survive like that. If you were nauseated, I could have given you something to help."

"I just needed some sleep, Doc. Give me a break…"

Shepard was quickly hooked up to fluids as she heard Chakwas order the nurses at Huerta. "She's dehydrated, that's probably a lot of her problem, but just in case, I want a full scan of her cybernetic implants. I'd hate to think one in the nervous system has decided to malfunction."

Shifting in the gurney uncomfortably, Shepard started feeling better as the fluids entered her body. "Doc, I think I'm going to be fine. We need to get to Thessia. I don't have time for this."

"Oh no," Chakwas said firmly. "We cannot have Commander Shepard falling over and vomiting in the middle of the battlefield. Might make the Reapers think you're weak." Her face quirked into a smile as she looked down at her scanner. She had started over Shepard's head and as she worked her way down she stopped when she got to her hand.

"I never knew you to wear jewelry before, Commander."

Shepard's mouth made an o-shape. _Oh shit. Maybe we should have told the crew._

"It's from Kaidan, a gift." _I'm telling the truth, just part of it._

"It's beautiful, unique. Suits you nicely." Chakwas seemed satisfied and continued her scans.

"Excuse me, Dr. Chakwas?" a young intern poked her head into the exam room. "Major Alenko is here. Should I let him in?"

"Just a moment…" She looked up at Shepard. "You and Alenko have resumed sexual activity, I assume?"

Shepard let out an uncomfortable laugh. "Yeah, Doc, you assume correctly."

"Mmhmm." Chakwas' lips were pursed. "I'm going to leave the decision to let the major in up to you, Shepard, but physically, you are fine, dehydrated, hungry, but fine." She paused. "And pregnant."

"What?!"

"You know how this happens…I don't need to explain it, do I?"

"No, I, uh, am just surprised. Don't tell him. Let me do that. I guess you should know, Doc, we, ah, got married about a month ago."

It was Chakwas' turn to look shocked. "Commander! Well, congratulations is in order! You tell me what your decision is regarding the pregnancy. I will still leave you your medical privacy." Shepard sat in deep thought.

_Shit. I can't have a baby now. There's so much work left to do. Our lives are in danger almost every day. We still have to get back to Earth to help take it back._ _But this is us, a piece of both of us. If Kaidan knew, what would he say? He'd probably get that goofy smile when he tries to keep a straight face and fails. It'd be beautiful. I want this baby, but I can't be running around a battlefield pregnant. Have biotics ever had kids before? _Shepard was overwhelmed."

"Doc, tell me, have you ever heard of biotics having kids? I mean, does it work, or is the poor thing going to be deformed or…" Shepard was searching for reasons to justify…_I can't even think the word._

"Well, Shepard, the first generation of human biotics are just now reaching the time when they would decide to procreate. Thus far, I haven't heard anything positive or negative from Alliance Medical about it. I'm afraid to say I really don't know. But, I must admit that I thought your monthly suppressant was working properly. Apparently, not."

"We haven't been together as long as you think," Shepard said absentmindedly, still trying to process everything. "Doc, I honestly thought it wasn't possible. I mean, I died. Who knows what happened there? What did Miranda and Cerberus do? Was that even a priority or on the list to do at all? I guess I thought since Miranda couldn't have kids that I couldn't either." _It made sense in my head. It doesn't now._

"As usual, Shepard, you have defied the odds," Chakwas said gently, laying a hand on Shepard's shoulder. "My professional opinion? You have time. I can give you daily shots to counteract the fatigue and nausea, and right now, it's so early, you don't have to make a decision yet. Take your time. Talk to Kaidan. I can take care of it in the medbay on the _Normandy_, if you decide to terminate."

"Thanks, Doc. Let Kaidan in, just tell him I was overexerted, ok?"

"As you wish." Chakwas turned to open the door. "Major? You can come in now."

Kaidan walked in, pale and worried. He grabbed her hands and kissed them. "Rach, are you ok? Doc, what's wrong with her?"

"Well, Kaidan, Shepard is exhausted and she was dehydrated. But there is one thing of concern…" Chakwas leveled an eye at Kaidan.

"What?" Kaidan squeezed Shepard's hand. She smiled. _He's such a worrywart._

"Why didn't you tell me that you got married? I would have gotten you a gift!"

Kaidan relaxed and laughed. "It was kind of a spur-of-the-moment sort of thing. I'm sure we'll tell the crew soon."

Chakwas smiled broadly. "Shepard just needs a little more time in here to get her fluids and energy back. She'll be out in a few hours, tops."

"Ok, great. Thanks, Doc," Kaidan said. He looked back at Shepard. "I'm going to go finish up everything. You rest, ok? I'll see you back on the _Normandy_ in a few hours." He placed a soft kiss on her forehead. _He still smells so damn good._

About two hours later, Shepard was walking out into the lobby in Huerta. She saw Jacob standing there.

"Hey Shepard! I'm glad to see you! I know things are crazy right now. If you don't mind me saying, you look like hell. You ok?"

"Yeah," Shepard said slowly. "Just had some severe dehydration and exhaustion. You know what a number that does on biotics."

Jacob chuckled. "That I do, Shep. Glad you're ok. Things are pretty crazy right now, aren't they?"

"Sure are…you have to take moments to breathe when you can. You know, Jacob, it was interesting to meet Dr. Cole. How is she? Is she acclimating to working with Alliance?"

"She's great actually. It's good to see her work without the distraction of having to worry about the colony."

"What about you two…together?" Shepard winked.

"Well," Jacob scratched his neck. "We're going to have a baby, Shepard."

"Wow! Congratulations!" Shepard gave Jacob a quick hug.

"Wasn't exactly planned, but I'm looking forward to it," Jacob explained. "I'm going to be a better father than mine was. Do the whole thing right. It's, uh…"

"One more thing to fight for," Shepard said softly, bringing her hand up to her own stomach.

"Got that right. Brynn wants to name it after you."

"Really?" she laughed.

"Yeah," Jacob chuckled. "Shepard."

"Um, that's…nice."

Jacob shook his head. "Sure, I'm going to talk her out of it. No offense."

"None taken. But Jake, as great as it is to see you, I've got to get back. Work never ends you know."

"That I do, Shep. You take care. There's little ones counting on you. I know you won't let them down."

"Thanks Jake, I won't."

Shepard turned and walked away. As the elevator door closed, she touched her stomach again and said softly, "I won't let you down either. I'll keep you secure."

HIS

Kaidan was irritated. Shepard made him stay on the _Normandy_ while she took Liara and Javik down to Thessia. "I need the best experts in Protheans and with Thessia under attack, I don't want to take too many personnel down," she had said.

The explanation was sound, but Kaidan still didn't like it. Ever since their little wedding, his protective senses went into hyperdrive. He knew that she was an extremely capable soldier, probably the best out there, but to him, she was his wife and he would kill anything that threatened to harm her. But right now, he was standing near the airlock, waiting for anything.

It had been a few hours and there was precious little communication. Thessia was being lost before their eyes. _One of the oldest and most sophisticated cultures and homeworlds and it's falling just as quickly as all the others._

"Kaidan!" Joker called from his seat. "A Cerberus fighter just arrived. It's heading down to where Shep is! What the fuck do they want with Thessia?"

"They probably want the artifact as well." Kaidan shifted uncomfortably. He was itching to move and his mind was telling him he needed to get down there. "Joker, can you call Vega? Ask him if he can prep the second shuttle in 5?"

"Sure, Kaidan…why?"

"Just call it a bad feeling. Tell Garrus to head down there as well. I'm not letting Cerberus get them."

"Got it. Hey, Major?"

Kaidan turned back. "Yeah?"

"They won't hurt her. She's too strong."

"Thanks. I'm not taking that chance."

Kaidan met Garrus on the elevator as he was going down. "What's going on, Kaidan?"

"We're heading down to Thessia to get Shepard and the others. Something isn't right. It's been too long, too quiet."

"Ah, that gut instinct." Garrus nodded. "We'll get her back, and then we'll head back to Earth and end this nasty Reaper business." Garrus gave Kaidan's shoulder a quick pat. "We'll all get our planets back."

In the shuttle bay, Vega was waiting inside the shuttle. "Ok, Scars, Major, you ready to go?"

The shuttle door slammed shut behind Kaidan. "Go, Lieutenant. See if you can find that temple that Shepard was supposed to be heading to. The situation is really hot. Reapers, harvesters, all that shit. You got this, Vega."

"No problemo, Major. We'll be with Lola inmediatamente." He winked back at Kaidan. They all knew how invested he was in Shepard. _Well, maybe. Still haven't told the crew about us. But you can't hide that we've been bunking together._

"Major, I've got the temple in sight. You need to see this…" Vega had a note of concern in his voice. Kaidan glanced at the vid screen. He saw an airship with a Cerberus symbol firing rockets at the temple. Dust began to rise as Kaidan saw it had targeted the supports.

"Damnit, Vega! Get down there now! That temple is coming down!" Kaidan watched a man in black walk calmly to the airship and board. Liara came running out, shooting to no avail.

Vega started to close in and Garrus and Kaidan leapt out of the shuttle before it could touch down.

"Kaidan! Shepard's still in there! Javik too!"

Kaidan ran toward the crumbling edifice, Garrus on his tail. He could see that much of the floors had collapsed into a giant chasm.

"Oh, God, no." Kaidan said quietly. Over the rumble of the falling structure, he heard a little grunt. Looking quickly to his left, he saw a gloved hand clutching the edge of the floor. _Rachel._ He rushed over and grabbed her hand as it was slipping off.

"Kaidan!" She looked at him in surprise.

Pulling her up, he quickly cradled her head in his hands, holding her close. "Rachel, do you know how to do anything except scare the shit out of me?"

"I figure if I do something well, I should continue doing it," she made a little cough/laugh combination. "Thank you, Kaidan. I don't know if I could have held on much longer. How did you know?"

He looked at her. Her green eyes were sparkling beneath the layer of dust the had settled on her face and hair. "I just had a feeling. An insecurity, I guess. I needed to be sure you were safe. When Joker said Cerberus was here, that was it."

"I'm glad you came," she whispered in his ear as he pulled her into an embrace. "We have something to talk about."

**A/N: This topic almost came up in my other one-shot fic, Vancouver. It's in chapter 7, if you haven't read it yet. It's super sappy, but makes sense with this one! Also, a weekend update! Squee! I hope you enjoyed this one! I really liked the way this one turned out.**


	40. Decision

HERS

Kaidan fell into the couch, his mouth agape. "You're sure? I mean, I thought we were being careful."

Shepard gave him a weak smile. "So did I."

She thought she knew what to expect, but this wasn't exactly it. He wasn't smiling and he didn't seem happy. _He seems scared. Maybe this isn't the best time for this. God, I already know it isn't. We can't keep this baby._

"You don't have to worry, Kaidan. When I talked to Chakwas, she said that it's really early, and there'd be no harm in termination. I know what you're thinking…this is terrible timing. Believe me, I'm just as surprised as you. I kind of thought that it was impossible for me."

Kaidan looked up at her, his eyes full of concern. "Do you really want to do that? I just don't know what to think right now, so don't take any reaction from me as reason to do anything rash. I'm just…overwhelmed."

"We're in this together, so I want you as part of the decision, ok? I didn't know when to tell you, but I found out on the Citadel."

Kaidan took a mock hurt look. "You mean, when I was feeling bad about this very thing, the day before yesterday, you already knew? Rachel, you're a sadist!" He got up from his seat and walked over by the fish tank where she was leaning and wrapped his arms around her. "Why didn't you tell me then?"

"I don't know…you were being all cute and angsty and it was just so sexy that I…had to take advantage of it," Shepard purred and started laying kisses on Kaidan's neck.

"Are you going to be one of those pregnant women whose libido goes through the roof? Because if so, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me…" Kaidan turned his mouth towards hers in a slow, deep kiss.

Shepard thought she would get lost in it, but the sight of Thessia filled with Reapers and Kai Leng and Cerberus getting away with the Prothean VI slammed back into her mind. She pulled away from him quickly. "I don't think we can do this, Kaidan."

"Sure we can," he said in a low voice. "I believe we've got our privacy."

"No," she said, pulling his face up with her hands. "We can't have a _baby_ right now."

"Oh." Then he fell silent.

"Too much is required of us right now. I'm going to talk to Chakwas and we'll get this taken care of. I'm sorry, Kaidan. You do understand, right?"

Kaidan shook his head as if to come out of a daze. "Yeah, sure, of course. Life is just too dangerous for that right now. I mean, do you know how far along you are?"

"Probably about 5 weeks, tops."

"It's probably for the best. I don't think the _Normandy_ could handle two Shepards." Kaidan's laugh was strained, as was his smile.

Shepard gently elbowed him. "I seriously doubt it could handle another Kaidan Alenko either, bud."

They stood there in silence, his arms wrapped around her waist. They were both looking off in different directions, lost in their own thoughts. Her stomach fell as she thought about what she knew she had to do.

"Kaidan," she said, her scratchy voice finally breaking the silence. "I have to go see Chakwas. The sooner, the better."

"Right," he said, his voice raspier than usual. "Do you want me to come with you? I'll be with you as much as she'll let me."

"No, the crew needs somebody in command. I'll be down for a little while, I'm sure. Kaidan," she paused, "they need you."

She left his arms and walked to the door without looking back. She couldn't face him, not with the tears that were suddenly streaming from her eyes. Stepping onto the elevator, she hit the button for the crew deck. Looking down at her stomach, still flat and firm, she sighed heavily, stopping the tears. "I'm sorry, dear. It isn't your fault. There are just so many more lives that need me right now."

At the crew deck, Shepard was cool and composed as she walked to the med bay. The door opened and her heart started to pound.

"Hey Doc," she said flatly.

"Hello Shepard! How are you feeling? Do you need something?"

She heaved a big sigh again and nodded. "We need to terminate." _Forgive me._

HIS

Kaidan was taking off his armor and watching Shepard do the same. _I love the way her body moves. Just so damn sexy._ Then he chastised himself for leering simply because of her countenance. She was withdrawn and sad. Liara was the same when they boarded. _I understand the feeling of losing your planet and then having to leave it._

Kaidan threw on his fatigues and Shepard put on a tank and sweatpants. He could see the bruises that were forming on her arms from her struggle to not fall into the chasm in the temple. He closed his eyes again and thought about how close he was to losing her.

"Kaidan, I said we needed to talk."

"Yeah," he said, opening his eyes. "What's up?"

"I'm pregnant."

_She did just say that right? She's pregnant?!_ Kaidan crashed back onto the couch he was standing in front of. "You're sure? I mean, I thought we were being careful." _I've been getting my shots for years. How the hell?_

"So did I." _She looks like a scared little girl. _"You don't have to worry, Kaidan. When I talked to Chakwas, she said that it's really early, and there'd be no harm in termination." Kaidan looked down at the floor when she said that. "I know what you're thinking…this is terrible timing. Believe me, I'm just as surprised as you. I kind of thought that it was impossible for me."

"Do you really want to do that?" he said, just trying to wrap his mind around the whole thing. "I just don't know what to think right now, so don't take any reaction from me as reason to do anything rash. I'm just…overwhelmed."

"We're in this together, so I want you as part of the decision, ok? I didn't know when to tell you, but I found out on the Citadel."

He smiled briefly and then feigned offense. "You mean, when I was feeling bad about this very thing, the day before yesterday, you already knew? Rachel, you're a sadist! Why didn't you tell me then?" He wrapped his arms around her. It was his instinctive move to protect her, but he wasn't sure what from.

"I don't know…you were being all cute and angsty and it was just so sexy that I…had to take advantage of it," She started kissing on his neck and soon his mind filled with thoughts of relieving some tension together.

"Are you going to be one of those pregnant women whose libido goes through the roof? Because if so, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me…" Kaidan moved in to start doing exactly what his body was telling him to do. His kiss was deep and his hands slid over her body. He couldn't help but let his hand linger on her stomach for just a moment, as if he could feel it anyway. _My baby is in there. We are going to have a child of our own._ The thought fueled Kaidan's already growing desire, until suddenly she pulled away from him.

"I don't think we can do this, Kaidan." Her voice was unsteady. He thought it was just from her arousal.

"Sure we can. I believe we've got our privacy."

She grabbed his face and pulled him away, looking straight into his eyes. "No. We can't have a _baby_ right now."

"Oh."

"Too much is required of us right now. I'm going to talk to Chakwas and we'll get this taken care of. I'm sorry, Kaidan. You do understand, right?" _Yeah, I understand. All too well. Reapers, planets falling, Cerberus. The galaxy is hell and why would we ever want to bring something so small and helpless into this? Because it is us, together, new and unique._ He stopped and answered her as her eyes searched his.

"Yeah, sure, of course. Life is just too dangerous for that right now. I mean, do you know how far along you are?"

"Probably about 5 weeks, tops." _She's looking for my support now. I have to give it to her, even if I hate this._

Kaidan did his best to joke. "It's probably for the best. I don't think the _Normandy_ could handle two Shepards." _If it were a girl, I bet she'd be tough as nails just like her mother. Maybe she'd have…_Shepard's elbow interrupted his thoughts.

"I seriously doubt it could handle another Kaidan Alenko either, bud." _A son…stop it, Kaidan. Throw it out of your mind._ He stood there thinking about what a child they had together would look like and he couldn't help but feel an ache in his soul. Shepard's deep, controlled breathing told him she was trying just as hard to hold it together.

"Kaidan, I have to go see Chakwas. The sooner, the better." He thought he heard her voice breaking. He couldn't stop emotion from coming out in his own.

"Right. Do you want me to come with you? I'll be with you as much as she'll let me."

"No, the crew needs somebody in command. I'll be down for a little while, I'm sure. Kaidan…they need you."

She walked away and Kaidan wanted to tell her to stop, that they would figure this out, but he knew there was really nothing to figure out. Either she kept the baby and became a liability on the battlefield or she terminated and could keep serving the same as ever.

The door slid shut behind her and Kaidan felt like his world was falling apart again. His mind knew this was the right decision, but his heart…his heart fell like it did when the _Normandy_ went down. A part of his heart was dying, and this was a part he never knew.

He sat down on the bed and stared at the pillows. He wondered if it was here or if it was on the Citadel where they made love that fateful time that caused this to happen. _Maybe if I weren't so impetuous. If I would have waited another week…the timing would have been better and no inconveniences._

He buried his face in his hands and just listened to the bubbling of the fish tank, trying to hear a pattern in the sound…something to take his mind off of what was going on two decks down.

It seemed like forever, but Kaidan heard the door whoosh open and he sat up. He had fallen asleep. He saw Shepard, pale and breathing heavily. She looked at him with watery eyes.

"I couldn't do it, Kaidan."


	41. Spilling the Beans

HERS

"I think it is a bad idea," Shepard said plainly.

Kaidan sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "Rach, they are going to figure it out eventually. They might as well hear it from us first. Besides, don't you like sharing happy news?"

"Sure, I guess. But don't you think that might make them think I'm not up to the task at hand? Who throws a pregnant woman in the line of fire? How about we don't tell them that part? Please?"

He made a mock pout that made Shepard laugh. _You are so adorable when you are frustrated!_

"All right," Kaidan relented. "But we need to tell them soon. You won't be able to hide this forever and we have no idea how long this war will last. We should still gather the crew to tell them that we married."

Shepard snuggled into his chest on the couch in their quarters and sighed. "Are you sure this isn't just a manly bravado thing? I mean, you did manage to get the great Commander Shepard into bed with you and then actually have her fall in love with you and even make a commitment!"

"Rachel!" Kaidan exclaimed with feigned hurt. "You think you are just a conquest for me?"

"Well, you are for me…," she giggled.

He playfully smacked her ass. "I don't just conquer, Rachel. I completely _dominate_." His voice dropped to a low and husky tone that made her shiver with excitement.

"Major Alenko?" EDI's voice chirped into their room. "The crew is waiting in the mess."

Shepard lightly punched his chest. "You already called them together?"

Kaidan raised his eyebrows and smiled innocently. "Somebody has to do these things. Otherwise, they wouldn't know until the baby was 20."

"Maybe 10, not 20," she teased. He stood up and grabbed her hands to help her up. Shepard wedged her feet against the coffee table to keep herself down.

Kaidan reached around her and threw her over his shoulder. "Come on…you have to go."

"This is embarrassing! Don't take me down there like this!" She pounded on his back. The elevator door opened, and Kaidan walked the both of them in.

"Take you? Down there? That sounds like a great idea, but the crew is there, so not right now, Rachel." The lift door closed and he set her down.

They stood in silence as they waited to reach the crew deck. _I have no idea what to say about this…hey everyone, me and Alenko got hitched. Let's have a party? No. Attention, I would just like to proclaim my love for the Major and we've made it official. Show off my ring? No matter what way it's done, it all looks sappy. I hate sappy._

The door whooshed open and the pair walked out. Shepard looked over at Kaidan who seemed calm and collected as usual. _Damn his self-control. I feel like I ate_ _10 pyjaks and they are all fighting in my gut._ They rounded the corner and his hand found hers. Shepard felt her heart start to pound. _Why this now? Our relationship hasn't been exactly secret. We've been together since he's been on the ship. _The crew was gathered around the table and their eyes met hers.

_Oh God, I am dying._

HIS

The only thing Kaidan ever wanted to do was have the freedom to show his love for Shepard. Since the days on the SR-1, he began hating the regulations that kept their relationship taboo. When she died, it was those regulations that seemed so pointless and Hackett's little revelation about Grant Shepard's approval of them together just made the sting worse. Still, he never forgot it.

When he was getting out of the hospital after Mars, Kaidan knew he had to make their relationship permanent. He had almost died and she actually did once. So while he was working at the Citadel for that damned Councilor Udina, he contacted Admiral Hackett.

x-X-x

Hackett's holographic picture flickered to life in Kaidan's office. "Major Alenko…or should I say Spectre? Congratulations. Little time for formalities. What can I do for you?"

Kaidan had had plenty of face time with Hackett during his time on Earth with his SpecOps students. He didn't know why he was nervous now. "Um, Admiral, sir," he cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I have a rather unusual request."

Hackett nodded and motioned for Kaidan to proceed.

"Admiral, do you remember our debrief after the SR-1 went down?"

"Yes, it wasn't a happy time for any of us."

"Well, sir, you told me about a letter from Col. Grant Shepard regarding my relationship with his daughter." Hackett's eyebrows raised. "I would like to find out about the possibility of the two of us getting approval for…marriage."

Hackett's eyes went wide. "Marriage?" he chuckled. "Moving quickly, eh?" His hand stroked his beard thoughtfully. "Well, I guess it does make sense. None of us knows how long we've got. Alenko, as far as the Alliance is concerned, and until we hear otherwise from Col. Shepard, the letter stands as official approval. However…," he paused. Kaidan's breath caught in his throat.

"You don't really need our permission anymore. You are both Spectres and that is enough to supercede any regulations we might have. You and Shepard are the finest humanity has. So let me offer my congratulations to you. Just inform us, as is convenient, when this occasion occurs. I have pressing matters to attend to, but Alenko..."

"Sir?"

"Thanks for giving me something other than the war to think about. Hackett out."

Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief and started looking for asari jewelers.

x-X-x

Kaidan could see out of the corner of his eye how uncomfortable Shepard was. He squeezed her hand for reassurance and looked out at the faces of the crew. He was just about to open his mouth when Joker started talking.

"Commander, Major, we _know_…" The rest of the crew chuckled with the pilot. "You guys are the worst secret keepers in the universe, just so you know. Some of us were here with you from the beginning, some from when you went after the Collectors, but we all know that there is no way in hell anyone or anything could get between the two of you. So…" Joker held up a glass. Kaidan and Shepard looked around in surprise. "Allow me to say congratulations and it's about damn time."

Glasses clinked around the mess as the crew toasted the couple. Shepard subtly elbowed Kaidan. "I thought you had this planned out?"

"Ah, I thought I did…"

"Do they know _everything_?" She raised her eyebrows and looked down quickly.

Kaidan bit his lip. "I don't know." He looked up and Samantha Traynor was there handing each of them their own glass of champagne. He looked back at Shepard. "I'd say not."

"Good," she smiled as she took the glass and gently set it down. "We couldn't be the _worst_ secret keepers in the world then, now could we?"

Kaidan chuckled to himself. _Seeing Commander Shepard turn down alcohol was probably the biggest tell you could give, my dear._ He happily kissed her cheek.

**A/N: A shorter chapter, but I hope you still enjoyed it! Thank you for all the reviews and new followers and favorites! Even though my updates are slower in coming, this still bring a smile to my face!**


	42. Preparation and Preservation

HERS

Shepard walked around her cabin with the datapad, looking over the numbers like she had hundreds of times before. They were on their way to the Illusive Man's base and she knew that there would be no time between that and heading back to Earth. Kaidan had gone down to work with Joker and EDI making sure the shields were fully operational.

How many times had she gone into battle before? Too many than she could count. But she never felt as nervous about them as she did about this one. _Cerberus has the Catalyst. We need the Reapers destroyed, so Cerberus has to be destroyed as well. If we fail…if I fail…the whole galaxy will know and everyone will lose their lives. I cannot fail._ Numbers began to blur in front of her eyes and she rubbed them to help focus. _I need a snack. I'll sneak down to the mess and hurry back up here._

She walked toward the door and it opened. Kaidan was standing there, holding a tray of food and drink.

"Kaidan? I thought you were with Joker…"

"You have been working so hard, I thought you needed a quick break."

She yawned. "Yeah, I do, but I can't stop now…"

He put the tray down and took the pad from her hand. "Making yourself crazy with this won't help. I'm just here to help you relax for a few minutes, then I'll go."

Shepard eyed the food. She grabbed a sandwich and started to devour it. _This seems eerily familiar. Kaidan wanting to help me relax. I've been working nonstop…I think I know where this is going. He isn't as subtle as he thinks he is._

He looked at her and handed her a bottle of water. "You know you've done everything you could, right?"

She swallowed quickly and took a drink. "I hope so. I keep running the numbers to see if I've missed something. There just seems to be a missing component."

"Rachel, you know what that is? It's the fact that you don't have to do this alone. Look to your crew, to the talented people fighting by your side. I'm here, and I'll be damned if I let anyone take you, _both of you_, away from me. You are an incredible woman, and what you've accomplished since the Reapers arrived is just nothing short of amazing."

Shepard looked at Kaidan, doubt filling her own eyes, but his looked compassionate and hopeful. She reached out to him and took his hand, looking down at his battle-worn fingers. "I'd like to believe you're right, Kaidan."

"You know I am. Rach, this isn't a battle that is yours alone. Why do you insist on making it so?"

She looked back up to see his face creased with concern. It broke her heart. "Maybe because I always have to be Commander fucking Shepard for everyone, badass warrior of the galaxy, savior of the Citadel, destroyer of the Collectors, sole survivor of Akuze…" Her eyes began to sting. "No one else will take up that cross, Kaidan. No one else can."

Kaidan folded her into his arms and stroked her back. "I suppose it's too late to take some of that burden away? Rachel, you are all of those things, but you aren't alone. I know about your nightmares. I've seen the way they torture your sleep. Can I ask you a favor?"

She sniffed and nodded.

"Next time you have that nightmare, focus on us. The three of us. You have so much more to fight for than what your dreams keep tormenting you about. Just let our child be the one you concentrate on."

"Kaidan, you're exactly what I needed right now." She tilted her head up to kiss him. His lips were soft and gentle.

"I want you to know, Rachel, I, uh, had ulterior motives for coming up here. It wasn't just a quick snack. I needed some time alone with my wife." _His wife._

"You know I love you, Kaidan. And you are a terrible liar."

"Saw right through me, huh?" he laughed, then his face turned serious. "God, you know I love you too, Rachel. Through all these years, through everything. I'm the luckiest man alive."

He leaned in to kiss her again. This time his kiss was more intense as his tongue found hers. Her arms found their place around his neck, but the nagging voice of responsibility made her pause and pull away.

"Hey…where are you going?" Kaidan smiled. _His warm, inviting smile. I hope our baby gets it._

Shepard smiled back, touching his face. "Ok, Kaidan, I think I could use a little of your…relaxation technique."

His smile broadened as his hand slid down her body, caressing her curves. She yielded to his touch, allowing herself to forget the pressing matters of life or death. For a few precious moments, it was just the two of them, intertwined as lovers.

Afterwards, she slept and this time the nightmares didn't interfere.

When she awoke though, the burden returned. She sat up and put her legs over the side of the bed, placing her head in her hands. _Why do I feel so sad? Like I'm losing everything? So many times before I've faced death. Hell, I've died. But it was a surprise then. Now…more like a certainty._ She straightened herself and turned to look at Kaidan, sleeping peacefully. _I can't put him through that again._ Her mind and heart steeled around that thought. Her sadness burned away and was replaced with an iron resolve.

_There's no way in hell anything is tearing us apart again. _

HIS

Kaidan rechecked his weapons. Earth was more of a warzone than he ever could have imagined. He wondered what London looked like when it wasn't under a Reaper invasion. He hoped that Vancouver didn't look quite so destroyed, but he knew that was wishful thinking. _At least we have a small break in the fighting. God, the Reapers must have made half the galaxy into those awful things and sent them here._

Somehow their team had gotten that Reaper out of the way of the beam leading to the Citadel. He was glad to be at Shepard's side during all this. Everyone seemed to have this foreboding look around her. He watched Liara meld minds with her, saw Vega lose his characteristic smooth tongue, and Garrus…even his trademark battle humor failed. _They all tried to say goodbye. _Kaidan refused that. He knew the woman she was was stronger than anything the Reapers could put in front of them.

Then Anderson and the rest of Hammer came bounding up in the trucks. A long distance remained between them and the beam. They had climbed in the trucks and began to make their way toward the beam. Kaidan was about to check his weapons a third time when the truck made a crunch and lurched to a stop. He followed Shepard and Anderson out.

Anderson swore, "Shit."

The truck had wrecked and there was a good kilometer at least to the beam. Debris from the buildings that used to stand there littered the way and also blocked any path of going around. Kaidan could see that this was going to be a suicide run. His heart clenched a bit in fear, but his determination to keep calm won. That was short lived as another Reaper landed near the beam.

"We've got to move!" shouted Anderson.

"Come on!" Shepard ordered and she took off running. _So brave in the midst of hell…_ Kaidan paused only a second as he watched his wife run fearlessly toward the beam. He looked toward Garrus, who gave him a quick nod, and they sprinted off as well.

The Reaper began firing at the small number of troops that were desperately trying to reach the beam. The trucks that hadn't wrecked were easily picked off by the Reaper's beam, but Kaidan wasn't watching them or the Reaper. He was chasing Shepard. The odds of success seemed insurmountable, and he couldn't let her go down alone. _This time, we die together._

He got about 10 meters from her when the Reaper struck a truck not far in front of them. The force of the blast sent it tumbling backwards. He watched in horror as the vehicle seemed headed straight for Shepard, but she slid on the ground, the truck narrowly missing her head. As it came to a stop, another truck came flying back. Diving out of the way, Kaidan felt the ground shake as the truck hit the ground and then a searing pain as it exploded, throwing shrapnel at his body.

"Shit, shit, shit…" he hissed. Garrus came over, clutching his side. In an instant, Shepard was there.

"Kaidan!" she shouted over the chaos.

"I'm fine," he grunted. "Just a little flesh wound."

No one had any medigel and Kaidan was annoyed he hadn't carried more.

"Garrus?" She looked at the turian.

"Fine, Shepard. I got hit in the face with a rocket before, remember?"

Shepard gave a faint smile and yelled, "_Normandy_, do you copy? Joker, we need an evac now!"

Kaidan found a new respect for Joker when the ship landed nearby. Shepard grabbed him and ran him and Garrus to the open shuttle bay. She pushed Kaidan toward Garrus up the ramp and started to back away.

"Take him!" she ordered the turian. _I'm not letting her go alone._

"Rachel!" Kaidan cried out.

She turned. "You gotta get out of here."

"Yeah, that's not going to happen."

"Don't argue with me, Kaidan."

"Don't leave me behind…" _Not again._

Her eyes softened as she walked back up the ramp and touched his face. "No matter what happens, know that I love you. Always." She smiled briefly and turned back, running off.

Garrus started to turn Kaidan toward the ship. "I'm going after her, Garrus. Let me go."

"Kaidan…"

Kaidan flared his biotics. "Don't make me throw you to the back of the ship."

Garrus stepped back, and Kaidan saw more than a little concern in the turian's eyes.

"You're shell-shocked, Kaidan."

"I'm _fine_, goddamnit!"

The ship's bay doors started to close and Kaidan took a flying leap out. He winced as he hit the ground. His face was stinging and his knee cried out in pain. _I can't let her die alone._ He forced the pain down inside and started running.

Garrus yelled after him. "Take care of her, Kaidan!"

Only a handful of soldiers remained running. The bodies of the fallen lined a grotesque trail to the beam. It made Kaidan sick. He could see Shepard, unique in her armor, and that she was a woman, still running hard, dodging shot after shot from the Reaper. _It's like it's aiming for her…_

Kaidan thought for a moment that she really was indestructible until the Reaper finally hit its mark.

"NO!" he screamed as he saw her disappear in the weapon's fire. He couldn't run any faster and his knee was threatening to give out as it was. Tears mixed with dirt and blood as they fell down his face, and the force of the blast caused the ground to tremble beneath him. His weak knee couldn't handle it and he fell behind the burned out shell of a truck. The knee twisted and he felt a sickening pop. He struggled to stand, but had to hold the charred metal for support. _Come on, body, we aren't leaving her to die alone._

He hobbled around the side of the truck. He scanned the thirty or so meters to the beam for Shepard. Her signature purplish blue armor was nowhere to be seen…he didn't even see a woman's body among the dead. Suddenly, the beam was gone. Kaidan looked up toward space where the beam had led to the Citadel. _Did she make it?_ He clutched his gun and took a defensive position beside inside the tipped truck and began taking out Reapers as they came running. He was alone and surrounded.

For a short while, he kept them at bay with a mixture of well-placed biotics and weapons fire. He was wishing the door to the truck could shut to give him a moment's protection while he tried to stave off a migraine from biotic overuse. He sank down inside and looked at the bodies of the soldiers lying crumpled at his feet. They hadn't even seen what killed them. _Maybe they were lucky. Quick, without fear. Not like this…_He heard the eerie scream of a banshee outside. He knew his biotics wouldn't hold up…not without killing him.

He closed his eyes and pressed the palms of his hands on each temple as hard as he could. He would go down fighting, not curled up in pain. He opened his eyes and saw an unopened medigel pack on one of the soldiers. He quickly slipped the pack into his armor and pressed the button. He gave a quick breath of relief as his knee quit throbbing and the pain in his head lessened to a tolerable level.

The groans from the husks grew closer and he knew they knew where he was. As he stood he saw at least two banshees transport themselves closer to his location and continue their lumbering walk. He threw a group of husks away and quickly picked them off with his assault rifle. He used reave against the closer of the two banshees while he tried to pick away at the second with gunfire. The first one shrugged off his biotics and came closer. He could see its wretched eyes and he wondered who she used to be. He turned his gun's attention back to her and tried to fire.

"Shit!" His last heat sink was spent. He quickly threw a warp at her and ducked inside the truck, hoping one of the solider's guns were loaded and working. As he scanned the corpses, he saw his shadow surrounded by red light. Another scream from the banshees came as he saw a pistol lying at the foot of one body. He seized it and moved quickly to the opening and prepared to fire. His heart beat rapidly since he had no idea how many shots were left.

A shockwave of some strange red energy was flying toward them, out from where the beam had been. Kaidan's eyes opened wide as he saw the Reapers that were heading toward him dissolve. _That shit'll dissolve me too. _He ducked back into the truck and hoped it would shield him at least somewhat. The energy wave shook the truck, but quickly blew past. Carefully standing, pistol in hand, he peeked out. No Reapers remained. No banshees, no husks, no marauders. All gone.

He gingerly climbed out because although his knee didn't hurt, it was still injured. Kaidan looked toward the giant columns that had surrounded the beam. On the platform lay a body. _I should probably go see what poor bastard nearly made it._ He wondered where Shepard was, but his heart said the Reaper vaporized her. She had taken a direct hit.

The quiet around him was unsettling. He kept waiting for some Reaper creature to jump out at him. He didn't see a living body anywhere. He walked past at least a dozen until he reached the platform. This body was smaller. The armor was charred and burnt against the soldier's pale skin. Kaidan felt pity as he knelt beside the body, still and quiet. The face was darkened with soot or dirt. The hair was disheveled and singed. It was completely burnt off to the scalp in some places.

The body heaved and a gasping breath came out. He looked and saw the soldier's eyes were open. _Rachel._ "Oh my God! Rachel!" Kaidan chastised himself for using all the medigel. Shepard's body trembled violently and he knew she was in shock. His eyes examined her for injuries. _She's obviously burnt over a majority of her body. That arm looks broken, left leg as well. Likely internal injuries as well. Shit! I need something for her pain._

Kaidan glanced about to see if anyone was nearby, but he could only see bodies. He looked back at Shepard, directly into her eyes. "Rachel, I've got to get you to some help. I have no medigel and I don't know where anyone is that's still alive. I'm sorry, but I have to carry you. Stay with me, ok?"

Shepard nodded slightly, still shaking uncontrollably. Kaidan reached under her knees and her neck to support it and gently lifted her. Shepard let out a raspy groan.

"I'm sorry, baby," he whispered gently into her hair. All he could smell was burnt hair and flesh. His own knee began to protest again as he headed back the way they had come. _Keep her conscious._

"Rachel, do you know where you are?" Kaidan said as he kept looking for anyone alive.

"I…was…on…the Citadel. I…made it," her voice cracked.

"Good. What did you do up there?"

"I saw…Anderson. The Illusive Man…shit…Kaidan…I…I killed him."

"Who? The Illusive Man?"

"No…Anderson…I was…forced."

_What kind of hell has she endured now?_ "Then what happened?"

"Hackett said something…but I passed out. Then…I shot this…red thing. The ghost ki…" Her voice trailed off and her head lolled to the side. Kaidan was walking as quickly as he could. He thought he could see people.

"Rachel! Rachel, wake up! You can't sleep yet. Damnit, that's an order, Commander!"

Her eyes opened lazily. "Fuck off, Major."

Kaidan chuckled through his fear. "That's my girl…We're almost there, ok, Rachel?"

He walked past the cannons they had used to shoot the Reaper. He saw some soldiers who looked just as dazed as he did.

"Soldier! I have injured here! Need medigel!" Kaidan barked.

A couple of them came running. They saw Kaidan and their eyes went wide.

"Major Alenko, sir!" the woman saluted.

"Forget that, soldier. This isn't the time. Do you have medigel?" He slowly laid Shepard down. He hadn't felt fatigued until that moment.

"Yes, sir." The man began manually administering the medigel. "I'm a field medic. Where'd you come from?"

"We were part of Hammer that made the last run to the beam. This is Commander Shepard." Kaidan's body suddenly felt like lead and he stooped beside Shepard. "She made it up to the Citadel." His words felt like they were coming from someone else's mouth. "But she needs…she needs…she is…" Kaidan's eyes went shut as he collapsed to the ground.

**A/N: Cliffhanger! Glad to be back and I hope you enjoyed this even though there was a long wait! I love all of you! Those who have been with me for the long haul and those who just joined me! You make it a joy to write!**


	43. Rescue

THEIRS

The male field medic, Lt. Nathan Unger, flinched as Kaidan hit the ground.

"Damn…Lin!" he called after the female soldier in a sharp British accent. "Get back here and radio for help. They're both down. Good God, what did this woman go through?"

Cpl. Nakomis Lin came running. She tapped her ear to establish communication. "FOB, this is Corporal Lin. I have two seriously wounded from Hammer. Yes, two. We need med evac now. Lieutenant Unger is caring for them now, but from the looks of it, they won't last long….I know…yes, I understand…I think this one should be priority…Commander Shepard is one of the injured. She looks really bad. The other is Major Alenko…Yeah, both Spectres!...Thanks…Lin out."

She looked down at Unger who was carefully laying Kaidan out flat on the ground. "They're coming ASAP. How do they look?"

Unger sighed and looked back at his comrade. "I'll be honest. I don't know. Shepard looks like she ran through about a mile of goddamn fire. The major…he's got shrapnel everywhere, his knee is definitely out of socket, something's broken in there, but I can't tell you anything internal, and that's what worries me."

A skycar came flying up and landed nearby. Four medics came running with two stretchers. Kaidan groaned and his eyes fluttered open. "What's going on? Where's Rach—Commander Shepard?"

Unger looked down at Kaidan's battered face. "Commander Shepard is right over there. We're getting you both to the best medical care we've got. Unfortunately, that isn't saying much given the devastation here in London. We're doing all we can for the both of you."

Kaidan gritted his teeth in pain as he was lifted onto the stretcher. He grabbed the arm of one of the medics. "Please, take care of her. You need to know…she's pregnant. Do everything you can to save them both."

The medic nodded and said gently, "We'll do our best, Major." The medic then looked over to the other pair caring for Shepard. "Hey, she's pregnant. Make sure to check the fetus with the scanner."

As they entered the car, the medics were taking vital signs and one was attempting to see if any of Shepard's armor would remove easily. "It looks like her armor has been fused to the flesh somehow. What happened to her?"

Kaidan tried to answer, but his head swirled and he suddenly vomited. His head started pounding with a fury beyond any of his previous migraines. He felt crazy and scattered. In a small part of his mind, he wondered if this was why other L2 developed dementia. His typical calm was overridden by a wild desperation to get rid of the pain. His fists pounded against his head and he screamed. The medics moved quickly to try to restrain him in the tight quarters of the car.

With mad, but vacant eyes, Kaidan looked at the medics. "Major Alenko, please lay down. We have something to help your pain." The biotic developed a pained expression and looked over toward where Shepard lay, bloodied and pale.

"I can't lose her. Not again." Kaidan's voice came out calm, but unsteady and slurred. Just as quickly as he had sprang up, Kaidan fell back again on the stretcher, unconscious and no longer breathing.

"Damnit, he's crashing!" The car landed at the hospital and the medics scurried to get the pair out. They were giving the medical staff information as Shepard regained consciousness. She was rushed into one room and saw Kaidan lying on another gurney heading in another direction.

"Where's he going? Is he ok?" Shepard said weakly. A familiar face appeared. Her French accent was soft and kind. "Do not worry about the major. We need to take care of the both of you." Dr. Michel's eyes briefly glanced toward Shepard's abdomen. "Just be still, Commander. I promise we'll do everything we can."

As Shepard drifted into the blackness, she heard someone say to Dr. Michel, "Major Alenko has had a stroke."

**A/N: A short chapter to fill in some gaps. I hope you are all enjoying this...even if the updates are slow in coming! Thank you all for the new favorites, follows and reviews! I still squee at my email when I see them!**


	44. Awake

HERS

Shepard's eyes fluttered open. Her vision was blurred, but the face she saw was unmistakably friendly. _Feminine. Darkish hair. Ashley? Am I dead? No, it can't be her…not young enough. _"Hello, Rachel. It's good to see you again," a gentle voice said quietly. It was Emily Alenko.

"Mrs…Alenko?" Shepard smacked her dry lips together.

"Shh, shh, dear. Here, have some water, you poor thing." A soft arm reached around Shepard's head and neck, nestling it, and the cool water felt like heaven in her parched mouth.

Shepard looked around dizzily, trying to get her vision to focus. "Where am I?"

"You're in London, the Royal London Hospital." Emily looked worn and much older than the last time she saw her over three years ago in Vancouver. "How are you feeling?"

_I feel like death warmed over. _"I'm tired. My body feels like lead. Where's Kaidan?"

A sad sigh came from the older woman's mouth. "He's in the room across the hall." Her eyes welled up.

Shepard's heart started beating faster and her voice rose. "Wha-what happened?"_No, please, no, not Kaidan._

"Please, dear, don't get excited. I didn't mean to upset you. Kaidan stayed behind to help you. Something happened, no one knows what, but he brought you to some soldiers and…just…dropped." Tears fell from Emily's eyes. "They said he pushed his biotics way beyond tolerable levels and caused himself to develop a blood clot in his brain. They told me he said to take care of you, that you were pregnant, and he hasn't said a word since. It's been nearly two weeks now."

A nurse entered the room. He smiled and started checking the fluids in Shepard's IV. When he was close enough, she grabbed his arm. "Ka-I mean, Major Alenko, tell me…how is he? Please, don't lie. I need to know."

"Well, he's been sleeping a lot. His brain needed time to heal after the surgery to remove the clot. The rest of his body is mostly healed, that's the easy part, but after what happened to him on Mars, his brain was a bit more fragile than realized. They removed the L2 implant and replaced it with the newest L5. He's got mostly normal brain activity, which is a good sign, but no guarantees."

Shepard shook her head in disbelief. "Can I see him?"

The nurse pursed his lips. "Not today. You just woke up yourself. If you feel good tomorrow, we'll get you moving."

"That's not good enough. He's my…" She paused. _He's my husband, my everything…_ She started to swing her legs over the side of the bed. "Take me to see him. Now. No is not the right answer."

"You'd probably better listen. She's a powerfully determined woman," Emily said to the nurse with a smile.

The nurse sighed and rolled his eyes, but still smiled slightly. "Fine, I'll get a wheelchair. You will _not_ walk over there, got it?"

"Yes, sir."

As the nurse left the room, Emily drew close to Shepard. "Don't worry, dear. Everyone knows about you two," she whispered in Shepard's ear. "You have the blessing of the entire galaxy." She smiled gently. Shepard looked worried.

_What will I find…is he there anymore? _As she moved herself to the side of the bed, a roll in her stomach stopped her. She placed her hand on the small swell and felt a tiny flutter. _You're still here. You must be a tough little guy…or girl. God, I hope you can know your father._

Emily's hand rested on Shepard's shoulder. "Is everything ok?"

"Yeah, I just felt the baby. I can't believe it's still here."

The nurse raised Shepard to her feet and she gave out a small groan as atrophied muscles began to feel work for the first time in a while. "Ok, Commander," he said as he strapped her into the chair. "Let's go."

HIS

_Kaidan's mind swirled in thick dreams. He knew this wasn't the real world and he was trying hard to fight his way out of it. Bits of life and consciousness would float by like bubbles in a stream, but they would soon pop and disappear and be forgotten. Routinely, he would relive the last few hours before this hazy existence he now had. _

_Rachel, lying on the ground, burnt, her skin nearly ash in some places. Ash…ash…Ashley. Was she with Ashley now? Maybe if he could just let go, then he could join them. The fight was over anyway; the galaxy probably didn't need their kind anymore. Human biotics were only made for war. He and Rachel were freaks, despite their military usefulness. Freaks that somehow found each other, found solace in each other. She seemed to love and accept him for who he was, in his entirety. He loved her for opening up his mind to accepting that he could be more than just an aberration. She was so confident and even proud of what eezo had done to her body. Kaidan just wanted to be more than a tool of war._

_War raged in his mind. He couldn't remember anything that happened after he screamed in the skycar. Was she still alive? If by some miracle she was, did their baby survive? "_Kaidan…" _He felt the pull of the real world, of Rachel, calling him back, telling him it was time to be alive again. But he also felt the pull of death, and again of Rachel, calling him to join her in eternity, telling him he'd never have to fear separation again. He wasn't sure which voice of hers to believe. Which one was real and which one was fake? He just wanted to have some real rest…_

"Kaidan…" _He heard her again. He wanted so hard to figure out which way to go. He was growing weary of the balancing act between life and death he'd been performing._ "Come on, Kaidan, come back." _Come back where? If he went the wrong way and she wasn't there, well, he wouldn't be able to handle it. Kaidan's mind began reasoning, something it hadn't done in a while. _It would be best to go toward life, at least if she was dead, I would know and then I could just die and be with her again._ He doubted there would be any Cerberus miracle for him if he chose death instead. _Rachel, I am fighting to get to you_…Kaidan just didn't know if he had the strength to get escape from this dream world. _

"Kaidan, please just wake up."

His hand twitched in hers. "He moved…he moved, Emily! I know he did," Shepard whispered excitedly. She turned back and spoke a little louder to him. "Kaidan, come home. We need you. It's me, Rachel. Your mom is here too. Wake up, baby."

A low noise emanated from his chest, and his lips moved. "Rach," his voice scratched.

"She's right here, dear. We both are," Emily pleaded tearfully.

Shepard could see that the left side of his body wasn't moving the same as the right. It seemed sluggish and awkward. His eyes opened and he saw Shepard leaning against his bed in a wheelchair. Her arms were covered in gauze, but she looked happy. "Hey…," he said, trying to reach out to her with his other arm. It moved jerkily and flopped back down. "I can't…" Kaidan's brow furrowed as he struggled to speak. _Why can't I get these words out? Why can't I move my arm?_

"It's ok, Kaidan," Shepard said, stroking his hand. "You've had a stroke. Some things won't come so easily, but now you're waking up, you can get better. I'm here, your mom is here." She looked down and patted her belly. "Kaidan, our baby is still here. We're all still here."

Kaidan slowly closed his eyes and let the words seep into his brain. _She's here. They are here. We made it. Finally._ He breathed a sigh of relief. He opened his eyes again and looked at Shepard. "Stay," he said weakly.

Shepard turned toward the nurse and spoke in the most authoritative tone she could muster. "You will move me into this room. We need each other to recover."

**A/N: Enjoy this dramatic part. Happy days will come for these two, I promise!**


	45. Glimpse

HERS

A shuffle woke Shepard. She sat up and realized she was still in hospital and the shuffle was Kaidan moving in his bed. _But movement is good. That means he's regaining control of his entire body._

They both had had a difficult few weeks. Shepard was constantly being unwrapped, slathered in medigel, placed under a dermal regenerator, which was painfully slow, and then her tender new skin was rewrapped. She was grateful that it was mostly on her arms and not her slowly expanding abdomen, but she wished she could touch things without the sensation of gauze dulling her ability to feel.

Kaidan's mom, Emily, was there every day as well. She helped him get to his physical therapy sessions and she was there to do all the running that could be done. She got Shepard every bit of information that she could find on where the _Normandy_ was, which, at this point, was unknown. She also snuck in regular food to them, especially Shepard. Biotics were a hungry lot, but pregnant biotics ate amounts that would rival a krogan.

In the silence of the room, Shepard laid her wrapped hands on the bump of her stomach and smiled at Kaidan's still sleeping form. Today was promising to be a different and better day than those previous. In a few short hours, they would get their first glimpse of their baby.

With a quick snore and a cough, Kaidan opened his eyes. Blinking, he looked over toward Shepard. He pushed himself up using his weak left arm. _Always intentional in your actions still. Working when you don't need to._

"Hey," she said quietly. "How'd you sleep?"

"Crazy dreams like always," Kaidan said. "Did I do anything weird?"

"You mean you don't remember climbing into my bed last night and giving me pleasure beyond comprehension?"

He smiled and chuckled. "You shouldn't tease like that. It's bad enough to have you in the same room, wrapped up like you are, and yet just in that skimpy hospital gown. It's like waiting on Christmas…when it's only July."

"You aren't the one who has to watch someone else give you a bath," Shepard smiled wickedly. It had been a while since they flirted like this because it had taken Kaidan an extra week to regain full consciousness after they removed his L2 amp and replaced it with an L5, and that apparently cleared up any speech problems he had.

Kaidan lay back on his pillow. "Don't make me get too excited. Either I'll try to get out of this bed to get to you, fall on my ass and break something, or you'll just have to watch me take care of it.

Shepard laughed, "As long as you call out my name, go right ahead…"

He closed his eyes while smiling. "You are a damn tease. Still."

Emily Alenko entered the room while Shepard was still laughing. "I'm glad to see you two in such good spirits!" She was carrying a bag. "I brought you some breakfast because I know you don't get your normal breakfast until 7 and you both seem to wake so early."

"Terrific. I'm so famished," Shepard declared. "I'm wondering if this baby is a biotic too, because I am always so damn hungry."

Emily smiled and started pulling out the food. Shepard eyed it all hungrily.

"Are you excited about today?" Emily asked as she gave Shepard a generous plate of food.

"Yeah…I never saw myself as a mom. Ever. But today, I actually kind of feel like I could be."

"You already are, dear," Emily smiled. "You just don't know it yet. Taking care of all you've taken care of…that maternal instinct is stronger in you than you realize."

Shepard blushed slightly at the compliment. "I don't know about that. So, tell me, how was it being Kaidan's mom?"

Emily sat on the bed beside Kaidan and looked thoughtful. "Well, at first, it was hard because I thought I had failed him before he was even born. When they told us about the eezo exposure, I was sure he was going to develop cancer and die, perhaps in the womb. When he came out healthy, it was just a joy day after day."

Shepard snickered and choked a little on her food. "God, Kaidan, you are Mr. Perfect, aren't you?"

Kaidan gave her a sideways look. "You had just better hope our kids take after me."

"Pfft. Hardly, Kaidan," said Emily quickly. "You gave your father and me plenty of grief."

"What? Kaidan? Trouble?! I want to hear about this," Shepard said gleefully.

Kaidan sighed and Emily patted his leg. "Kaidan was a quiet and tidy boy, but he had a bad habit of playing tricks with his biotics. Specifically lifting his poor mother into the air and leaving her there as long as he could."

"I was just...," Kaidan started.

"You were 12 years old, and you should have known better!" his mother chided.

Kaidan furrowed his brow. "Mom…this is ancient history."

"And completely relevant to today. You know children get some of their personalities from their parents. It's just too bad you didn't turn out more like me." Emily's eyes twinkled. Shepard laughed, but quickly became somber. _I wish I had that kind of relationship with my parents, but that chance is gone. I never even got to tell them I got married._

Emily and Kaidan saw Shepard's face suddenly turn sad. "Hey," Kaidan said. "The war has taken from everyone. I told you before that I'd help you build a family, and I'm still here."

"How did…?" Shepard started to say, then two nurses came walking in the room. "Are you both ready?" said one cheerfully. "It's time to take a peek at that baby!"

HIS

Kaidan insisted on maneuvering himself to the edge of the bed and only let the nurse guide him into the wheelchair. He wasn't going to be in this hospital any longer than he had to, but today he was happy to be where he was, but he still hated being carted around in a wheelchair. It made him seem so incapacitated, when in actuality, he could already walk with help. Every day, he pushed himself in therapy, just as hard as he had worked out while Shepard was…_being brought back to life_. He wasn't going to let anything rob him of the life that now seemed within his grasp.

_A wife, a family, peace. _

He couldn't help but be an old-fashioned kind of guy. Even with all the war and horrors he had seen, maybe because of it, he still longed for the peaceful civilian life. When he was younger, the excitement of the Alliance was enticing, but even then he knew that the fight would have to end someday.

Watching the nurse put Shepard into her chair, he saw the telltale silhouette of her small pregnant belly beneath her gown. His heart swelled with pride and admiration. _This baby, our baby, is already a fighter. Still here after all the hell it's been through. Going to be just like its mother._

The nurses then pushed the pair out of the room and down the hall. Emily followed along behind the two, smiling like only a mother about to be a grandmother could.

When they entered the room, it looked much like the communications room on the _Normandy_, save the examination bed. After helping Shepard up onto the bed, the technician attached a small node to the tiny swell of her abdomen.

"Ok!" she said. "Let's see what we can find!"

Kaidan took Shepard's bandaged hand gently as they looked toward where they would expect to see Admiral Hackett's hologram appear, but instead there was a tiny person, no larger than Kaidan's palm. They were all silent for a moment in awe.

"Oh my God…," Shepard finally said quietly. "It's real."

The holo of the baby moved and flinched, kicking its legs and throwing some punches. _Yep, a definite fighter._ Kaidan smiled and said, "It's beautiful. I can see the Shepard coming out already with that left hook."

"I definitely see the Alenko nose there," Shepard observed. "Good, it would have been a damn shame to get my nose."

The technician enlarged then moved the angle and direction of the holo, doing all the necessary health checks of the fetus and its environment. "This baby is measuring pretty large for its age. I think you are going to have another soldier on your hands…or a professional sports player."

"I hope she plays American football," Shepard said resolutely.

Kaidan angled his neck to get a good look at the baby. "She?" he said. "I think _he_ will probably be a damn good soldier, keeping peace in the galaxy like mom _and_ dad. Or if not a soldier, a hockey player."

"Ok, that's a kick ass sport I can support. But…damn...I just can't tell what it is from this side," Shepard pouted. "Why won't this kid give up the goods?"

Kaidan laughed. "Because it's stubborn already, just like its mom."

"Or its dad," Emily interjected lightly. Shepard snickered.

"Whatever the case," smiled the technician, "that baby isn't showing anything. We can do another scan later, but sometimes, even with all the technology at our fingertips, they don't want to be known until birth!"

**A/N: More happy days to come for our Shenko pair! Please vote in your reviews whether this Shenko baby is a boy or a girl! Thank you!**


	46. Place

HERS

"Dr. Michel says you can leave the hospital in three days!" the nurse said enthusiastically. "She wanted to give you a heads-up so you can find a permanent place to live."

Shepard heaved a sigh and smiled. "It's about damn time. After Kaidan was discharged, I thought you guys had taken me prisoner. I never want to be in another hospital as long as I live." _Crappy food and not enough of it…and no conjugal visits._

The nurse looked down at the Shepard's pregnant belly. "It looks like you'll be back sooner than you think." _Shit. Mental note to look in to home births. _The nurse chuckled and left the room.

"So who is ready to get out of here?" Kaidan's voice was unmistakeable from behind the curtain in her room.

"By everything that is sacred in this universe, I am! God, I hate hospitals," Shepard effused as her eyes met his, but her face fell when she saw him empty handed. "Kaidan, you didn't bring me any food?" she whined. _Always. So. Hungry._

"Sorry, Rach," he laughed and kissed her cheek. "But we actually have some work to do. We have to figure out where we are going to settle. Until they get the mass relays back online, it looks like Earth is the only option." Kaidan opened his omni-tool and started pecking away.

Shepard elbowed him playfully. "Let me guess…you'd like to live in Vancouver?"

Without looking up, Kaidan nodded. "It is where they are still keeping Alliance HQ. It's the most logical choice."

"And we'll have your mom there to be constantly on call to babysit?"

A half laugh escaped Kaidan's lips. "Well, she did mention it before I came over here. She doesn't have anyone else. Maybe she could…"

"Live with us?"

"Well…," Kaidan hesitated. "Perhaps."

"I don't know, Kaidan. I mean, I love your mom, but…" She paused. _You are a noisy lover and I in no way want to impede that. _"don't you think she might want her own privacy?"

"Yeah, I guess so. We don't have to live far. A quick shuttle away."

"Vancouver sounds great, but how is the rebuilding going?"

"Like anywhere else…slow, but sure. With all the construction going on and the aliens that were stranded here, I'm sure housing has been a priority," Kaidan explained. "Mom still has the cabin in the orchard, so we can stay there with her until we find our own place."

"But…," Shepard protested.

Kaidan was firm. "Just until we find our own place."

He started looking at his omni-tool again. "I was hoping to find some listings, if there were any available." He leaned back beside Shepard in her bed, looking up at the ceiling. "Dream with me, Rach. What do you want in a home?"

"Bulkheads," she said quickly. "And a hot FTL drive stuffed in the back."

"You want to raise a child on a ship?"

"I was, wasn't I?" Shepard reasoned. _And I turned out pretty damn awesome._

Kaidan snorted. "Granted, but the only ships out now are just transporting workers from one damaged place to another. No one's in the mood for a fight right now."

"Yeah, you're right," she said, lying back against her pillow. "It wouldn't be right if it wasn't the _Normandy_ anyway…" Her voice trailed off. _Where the hell are they?_

"Hey, they are ok. We'll hear from them eventually. The comm buoys are getting worked on as we speak and I heard that the mass relays could be back online within 6 months. We figured out how to build that damn Crucible. I'm sure as hell we can fix the relays." Kaidan gave a sad smile to his wife. "I miss them too and I've been doing everything I can to find them when I'm not here with you. Besides, I doubt Joker would let anything destroy a second _Normandy_, right?"

Shepard laughed at the memory of Joker piloting them to the Collector base. "Yeah, he's damned determined." She touched Kaidan's face. "I never did thank you for disobeying my orders and following me." _You stupid, but wonderful dumbass._

His face creased into a slight smile and he looked a bit embarrassed. "I just did what any other lovesick fool would do…who is also still your superior officer. I had regulations on my side."

"I would have been satisfied with the lovesick fool by himself. You know how I feel about regulations."

"As I recall," said Kaidan, "I remember a woman who didn't want to break regulations…at least until I charmed you out of them." _I'm pretty sure I was the one who had to do the charming._

Shepard smiled wickedly. "You can charm me out of anything you wish, _Major._"

"In a few days…in a few days," Kaidan promised. He looked again at his omni-tool. "Now we really need to focus on this or we'll be some homeless Spectres."

"Ok," she replied. "Let's look. Do you think there are any places with a view of English Bay?"

"I'm sure we can find something," Kaidan smiled.

HIS

They walked in to the condo and looked around. "What do you think?" said the real estate agent. "It has 3 bedrooms, 2 ½ baths, and a gourmet kitchen. It was just finished being rebuilt last week. It's one of the nicest units in the building."

"The view is pretty fantastic," said Kaidan as he opened the sliding glass doors to a balcony. "Even better than the one my parents had."

Shepard furrowed her brow. "I don't know."

"Ok?" Kaidan sighed. _What is it this time? This is the 43__rd__ place we've looked at!_

"It seems…weird."

He laughed gently. "That's it? Just weird. No 'the hallways are too wide,' 'this bedroom doesn't have any defensible positions,' 'the walls aren't thick enough for an armory safe?'"

"I don't know how else to say it!" Shepard yelled, eyes suddenly brimming with tears. "Nowhere we've looked feels like home!"

Kaidan raised his hand to the agent to silently ask her to leave the room as he walked over to the distraught woman. "Hey…what's wrong? Something's obviously eating at you." He took her hands into his.

A ragged sigh escaped Shepard's lips. "In the hospital, I could ignore all this. I was focused on recovering, on you recovering. Now, it's like, we have this whole new life to live and I don't know what to do with it! There's no _Normandy_. There may never be again. No Garrus, no Liara, everyone I've ever called family, besides you, gone." A big tear fell from her eyes. _She looks so lost. _ "And here we are doing something normal people do and I don't know how because normal has never been part of my life. I want to be happy, Kaidan. Happy with you, happy with whoever this demon child is that I'm carrying." They both let out a quiet chuckle. Her face went serious again. "Kaidan, how do you find peace when all you've ever known is war?"

He pulled her into his arms and stroked her back. "I think that's something the both of us have to figure out, old soldiers that we are. You've never known anything besides the military life. It's been a long time since I lived anything different too. We can do this, ok?"

"You probably think I'm a fucking moron, huh?" she said, wiping her eyes, but smiling.

"No, I think you are fucking picky as hell and we are going to find a place to live. _Today._"

"This one is actually pretty great."

"Not weird?" Kaidan asked.

"It's still not a ship, but I think it'll do." Shepard looked down and rubbed her belly. "Besides, I need somewhere to prop my feet up. Your spawn is going to kill me."

Kaidan rolled his eyes and walked to the other room to get the agent. As he brought her back in, he said, "This place is perfect. We'll take it."

**A/N: One more chapter to go after this before baby Alenko makes its debut! Please let me know which gender you would like to see in the reviews! Thanks again for all the follows, reviews, and favorites! I'm shocked anyone is still finding this, but pleased that you like it! :)**


	47. Little Surprises

HERS

Shepard shifted awkwardly in bed. Her pregnancy was now in its late stages and rare was the moment when she could find a comfortable resting position. Kaidan, however, was soundly sleeping. Her eyes roamed over the gentle rise and fall of his chest, up to his tousled black curls on his head, and to the arm that draped over her side. That's when she noticed his hand. _We never did get Kaidan his ring._ Shepard's lips curled into a frown. _He deserves something that's sentimental. Romantic sap that he is. Damn, I wish Liara were here. She's good at that stuff. Liara…wait._

She rolled toward her night stand and opened the top drawer. Inside were her dog tags. Liara had shined them when she gave them to her after helping her take down the Shadow Broker, but now they were again scratched and blackened from the horrors of war. _A war that's over._ She smiled as she clutched them to her chest.

Kaidan took a deep breath and his arm went around her again. "Can't sleep?" he said quietly into her back. _Drop the tags._ The tags fell quietly to the rug below.

"Pretty much. I've got a damn baby krogan inside, headbutting the hell out of my gut."

"And you blame me." He started placing kisses down her spine. She shivered.

"Hell yeah I do."

"And you will forever?" His lips lingered on the back of her neck. She let out a sigh.

"Yes, I will," she said, her voice not so resolute.

"Well," he said between kisses, "I suppose I can put up with your bitching as long as there's make-up sex afterward. So…" He rolled her over to face him. "Are you done bitching?" His hand smoothed down the side of her body.

"Yeah," she grinned.

x-X-x

After Kaidan had left for Alliance HQ, she pulled up his mom on vidcomm. "I need your help."

Emily Alenko smiled. "With what, dear?"

"I never got Kaidan a wedding ring. We just kind of ran out of time. I have an idea, but I don't know the area. Do you know any jewelers?"

"I think I can help."

HIS

Kaidan smiled sleepily. His little late night rendezvous ended up having him miss more sleep than expected. _Middle of the night make-up sex…God, I am lame._ Pouring himself another cup of coffee, he scratched his neck with his other hand. _Where are my tags?_ He hadn't thought about them in months, not since before they had returned to Earth. _I'm sure they came home with our effects from the hospital. Just lost in the shuffle._

Kaidan could see the sun was starting to set over the bay, so he knew he needed to wrap it up and head home. He looked back to his terminal. A message had just appeared.

**From the Normandy…**

He quickly opened the message. _Rachel will be thrilled!_

**Hey Shepard and Alenko, or are you both Alenkos now…maybe Shepard-Alenko? Shit. Whatever you are…I hope to hell you guys are alive and reading this.**

**Liara is riding my ass about this message already, so I'll just be quick. My superb flying skills were put to good use, but I managed to get us safely to some backwater planet. EDI went completely offline, her body and all. Everyone else is fine, including Garrus. Not sure what to think about that.**

**We ended up in the Krogan DMZ when we finally figured out where we were. We've made it to Tuchanka, and are waiting on the relay to be repaired. When krogan aren't fighting, they are surprisingly resourceful. They've built the shit out of their planet already and Tali is beside herself holding all the krogan babies. I tried to once, damn thing broke my arm.**

**Oh, Chakwas is asking about Shepard and your spawn. I won't tell you that EDI told us that you knocked up the Commander, Alenko, but you know what a blabbermouth she was. Fuck, I miss her. Chakwas says we should expect to see three of you when we get back to Earth, which should be in about three weeks, based on the estimates we were given. That is, if you guys are there. News about Earth hasn't really circulated here. We just know that we can send messages.**

**Anyway, congratulations from all of us because I am not bringing the Normandy back to Earth without seeing her CO alive and well. I suppose it'll be ok to see you too, Alenko.**

**Joker**

Kaidan loaded the message onto his omni-tool and hailed a skycar home. As he walked in the door, Shepard was sitting on the couch, her feet propped up on the coffee table. She had her hands on her belly and she was smiling.

"Hey! About time you came home…I was getting bored and about to go looking for somebody new."

Kaidan laughed and sat down beside her. "You would." He put his hand on her belly and got a swift kick from the baby in response. "I have some good news," he said.

"I have a surprise for you too. Let me go first please!" Shepard hopped up and walked quickly into the bedroom. She came out holding a small box. "It's for you."

Kaidan eyed his wife with a suspicious grin. "I didn't know you could do anything like this." He opened the box and saw a ring. He put it on his left hand and gave Shepard a quick peck. "You didn't have to do this."

"Well, actually, I did," Shepard explained. "Take it back off, and look on the inside."

On the inside surface of the ring were the words "Until the end of time…" Kaidan smiled and remembered saying that just before they struck the Illusive Man's base. "So you are trying to show me how sentimental you've become? I liked wearing our tags like we used to."

Shepard put the ring back on Kaidan's finger and played with his hand. "That's the thing…our tags were pretty beat up. I wanted to move on from war. I needed to, so I found a jeweler who melted down both of our tags and made this ring for you." Her gaze stayed down on his hand.

As Kaidan touched her arm, she looked up into his eyes. "I was freaking out on you last week about what to do with myself, and I'm still not sure, but I know that I don't want to the last few years be all that we remember about our lives. We've been tried by fire and it brought us closer together. So melting down the tags was just a physical way to show how our lives have been blended."

"You thought about this a long time, haven't you?"

"All day," she said proudly.

Then Kaidan sniffed the air. "Did you cook too?"

Shepard scoffed. "I'm not a miracle worker. That's take out. You're welcome. If I would have gotten too sentimental and cooked, we'd both be dead. So what was your news?"

Kaidan opened his omni-tool. "I think you'll want to read this."

Shepard leaned in, started reading and laughed. "1000 credits says Tali convinces Garrus to adopt a baby krogan."

**A/N: Thanks again to all those who reviewed, followed and faved! Next chapter will be baby's birth!**


	48. Delivery

HERS

"We are never going to figure out a name!" Shepard huffed.

"It isn't my fault you shot down every one I suggested," Kaidan said plainly.

"But you suggest crappy names. Let's just call the poor kid Linkdovaso Pietra. There. Sentenced to a lifetime of torture."

"Now you are just pulling names out of your ass. I didn't get this file for no reason." Kaidan held up a datapad. "It has 300,000 names from across the galaxy. Fit for all species."

"Oh, damn," Shepard grunted. "Son of a bitch!"

Kaidan looked over at her with a raised eyebrow. "You ok?"

"Yeah, I don't think I should have eaten that third helping of Mexican. Probably will have to go destroy the bathroom in a few minutes."

Kaidan snorted and turned back to the datapad he was reading. "Very ladylike, Rachel."

"Who ever said I was a lady?"

"I never did," said Kaidan playfully without looking up.

"Hmmf, bastard..." Shepard glared at her protruding belly. "God, this kid is huge." _Holy hell, that feels like a vice grip on my gut._

"We're going to have to figure out a name for a boy and a girl," Kaidan continued. "We never have found out what it is."

"Yeah, I know." Shepard eased herself down onto the couch next to her husband. "Do you have any real suggestions? You know, ones that don't suck?"

Kaidan let out a laugh. "Why is this my job? Don't you have any ideas?"

Shepard clenched her jaw. _God, who knew food could do this?_ Taking a deep breath, she said, "I've had a few, but…"

"But what?"

"Most of them don't fit a human baby. I mean, I'd just want to name it after my best friends. Liara, Garrus, Wrex."

Kaidan looked back at the datapad without reading it. "Ever thought about naming it after family?"

Shepard went stonefaced. "No."

"Maybe we could consider it. I lost my dad and you lost both your parents. It would be a fitting tribute to them."

"I never liked the name Grant. All I can see is a hardass jerk." Shepard's brow furrowed again. _Shit. Just breathe through it._

Kaidan noticed her face change. "Are you sure you're ok? You aren't acting right."

Shepard started to stand back up. "I'm sure I'll be ok. I just didn't think the food would treat me this badly."

"Yeah, I'm not buying it," Kaidan said as he stood up with her. "Do we need to get to the hospital?"

"Hell no. I'm not going back to one of those places…ever." Another wave of pain clamped down on her, and she grasped Kaidan's arm for support. "Help me get to the bathroom, to the tub. We are doing this here."

"Hey, I'm just a field medic, Rachel," Kaidan protested. "Soldiers don't have babies on the battlefield!"

"If you don't do this, I'm going to throw your ass off that balcony. I don't think we have time to argue this," she said through gritted teeth.

HIS

"I'm still calling a doctor," said Kaidan as he walked his wife down the hall. When they reached the bathroom, he turned the water on to fill the tub. As Shepard slipped into the water, she groaned in pain. _Of course she has to be so goddamn obstinate._

Kaidan left the room to call emergency services. He flipped open his omni-tool and he was immediately answered by an older woman. "Hi, um, my wife is in labor, I think," Kaidan stammered. _Calm the hell down!_ "She refuses to go to the hospital and I don't know how to deliver a baby."

The woman chuckled. "Yes, many women like to have a homebirth. Standby, I'm transmitting information on delivering a baby to your tool. Is she in a comfortable place? A bed, a tub?"

"She's in the tub."

"Don't worry, Dad. Babies come into the world every day. You both can do this." The woman's voice was surprisingly encouraging to Kaidan. _Dad…oh my God, I'm going to be a father today!_

Kaidan read through the information and thanked the woman.

"Please, if anything doesn't seem right, don't hesitate to call an ambulance," the woman cautioned. "I have a lock on your location and we can be there in two minutes."

"Got it. Thanks." _We can do this. I can do this. _Kaidan closed his tool, and walked back into the bathroom. Shepard was in the tub, flushed and sweating, clutching the sides, as a small noise escaped her lips. Kaidan's eyes grew wide as he saw the baby slide into the water. He scooped up the baby, placing it on Shepard's chest. It started to screech.

"Why didn't you call me? I had no idea you were this close!" he gasped.

"There…just…wasn't…time," Shepard panted. "You left the room and I had to push. I'm fine, ok?"

They both stared at the raven-haired creature that was screaming in her arms. "I didn't even look. Is it a boy or a girl?" Kaidan asked.

Lifting a leg, Shepard smiled weakly. "It's a boy. Too bad we still don't have a name."

"How about one last suggestion?" said Kaidan. "Elijah David. After Anderson."

A huge smile creased the tired woman's face. "That's family I'd like to remember." She traced the chubby baby boy's face. "Elijah David Alenko." She looked up at Kaidan with tears in her eyes. "Nice job, Dad."

Kaidan couldn't stop his own eyes from watering, and he didn't want to.

**A/N: A big thanks to tccarty and astrolaura for your help in this!**


	49. Diaper

**A/N: A funny one...nice and fluffy.**

HERS

"Home sweet home!" Shepard said as she flopped onto the couch. _I could just sleep here for years._ "I told you I hate hospitals."

"Having a baby in the tub at home amazingly well doesn't mean you shouldn't get checked out to make sure everything is ok…for both of you." Kaidan looked down at the tiny sleeping boy he was carrying. Shepard smiled. _Damn, he looks hot as a father._

"I know, and I'll give them this," she said, "they wait on a mom hand and foot! We need to hire those nurses as maids!" _Ready to bring me food and drink at any time. Be up on call with the baby all night long. Fantastic._

"Have you gotten soft, Rachel? The woman I knew didn't like being coddled," Kaidan teased.

"Hey, bucko, squeeze a damn 10 pound ball out between your legs and see if you don't like some pampering."

"Well, _madam_, I think Eli would like some time with his mother." He eased the now rustling baby into Shepard's arms.

Her face went serious as she tried to get Eli to eat. _Come on, buddy, lunchtime. _He grew increasingly fussy and started to cry loudly. "Am I doing something wrong here? He not trying to eat," said Shepard.

"Maybe he's not hungry," Kaidan offered.

Now Eli was full on screaming and the two Spectres looked at him in wide-eyed concern. "What's the matter?" hissed Shepard.

"Check his diaper."

"But we just changed him when we got out of the car," she protested.

"Fine, I will." Kaidan took the shrieking child and opened his clothes, taking a peek inside the tiny diaper. "God, yes, he needs changed." He handed the baby back to Shepard.

"What. The. Fuck. No. You do it, Daddy." Shepard pushed out her hands, forcing him back.

"I don't think so," he said, moving over her hands and laying Eli right into the crooks of her elbows. "I have work to do. I'm a couple days behind because of you two. Besides you need to learn how some time. No nurses." Kaidan stood and walked into another room.

"Bastard," Shepard whispered. _Kaidan is so going to pay for this. No sex ever again….well, shit, that's punishing me too. Damnit._

With one arm, she carried Eli into his nursery, where Kaidan's mom had stocked it with all the necessities just a week earlier. _Thank God for Emily._

She laid the baby down on the changing table and pulled out a diaper and some wipes. "Ok, kid, let's make a deal, I'm going to open this up and clean you and you are going to be happy."

"Oh my God!" she whispered as she opened the diaper. "How much shit can you make, Eli?" She removed the offensive undergarment and reached for a wipe when her arm was hit by an errant spray from her son.

"Damnit! Gross!" She proceeded to wipe off her own wet arm and then gently cleaned the baby's bottom. "You know, Eli, I've seen some nasty shit in my days, but…this…aww, hell, it just keeps spreading around!" She was pulling wipes furiously as she tried to get some semblance of clean. Then she noticed that he had soiled his clothing as well. "Oh, come _on!_"

She pulled the clothing over his head, tossing it to the floor. More wipes as she cleaned little Eli's back. When she was finally satisfied, she pulled the clean diaper over to cover him and tightly fastened the sides. Then she searched for a clean outfit, which happened to be laid out right beside the diapers. _That woman is uncanny. How'd she know?_

"There. Done. Not bad for a first time," she said to herself proudly.

Kaidan stood in the doorway and applauded. "So the great Commander Shepard has overcome after all?" he chuckled.

"Can it, Alenko," said Shepard without turning around as she redressed the tiny boy.

Kaidan's arms snaked around her waist. "Was it really that bad?"

She grunted in reply. "You have no idea. The next diaper is yours."

HIS

Kaidan walked slowly toward the doorway, trailing behind Shepard as they finally arrived at home. She unlocked the door and nearly bounded over to the couch. "Home sweet home! I told you I hate hospitals."

"Having a baby in the tub at home amazingly well doesn't mean you shouldn't get checked out to make sure everything is ok…for both of you." He smiled down at the dark haired boy in his arms. _How could anything be so perfect? _

"I know," she sighed loudly, "and I'll give them this, they wait on a mom hand and foot! We need to hire those nurses as maids!" _One little baby and she's suddenly lazy…_

Kaidan snorted loudly. "Have you gotten soft, Rachel? The woman I knew didn't like being coddled."

"Hey, bucko, squeeze a damn 10 pound ball out between your legs and see if you don't like some pampering," she growled.

Shaking his head and sitting beside her on the couch, he handed the baby over to his wife. "Well, _madam_, I think Eli would like some time with his mother."

His heart melted a little watching her hands move tenderly to cradle the boy as she got ready to feed him. "Am I doing something wrong here? He not trying to eat," said Shepard.

Kaidan shrugged as he looked at the now fussy baby. "Maybe he's not hungry."

A screech erupted suddenly from the boy. "What's the matter?" hissed Shepard.

Kaidan ran through a mental checklist. _Not hungry. Just sleeping and woke up, so probably not tired…_"Check his diaper."

Shepard looked confused. "But we just changed him when we got out of the car."

Kaidan gave an amused smile as he took the baby. "Fine, I will." As he checked the diaper, he saw and smelled the problem. "God, yes, he needs changed," he cringed. _Here you go, Mama. I'm not doing this._

"What. The. Fuck. No. You do it, Daddy."

He cocked an eyebrow. "I don't think so. I have work to do. I'm a couple days behind because of you two. Besides you need to learn how some time. No nurses." Kaidan had made sure they showed him how to change a diaper before they left the hospital. Shepard conveniently ducked out of those lessons.

"Bastard," he heard Shepard say as he walked into another room. _Bullet dodged._ He smiled and bit his tongue.

He sat down at the desk and opened his console. He had looked at the subjects of a few messages when he started to feel guilty. _I really should go help her…_

"Damnit! Gross!" came a voice from the nursery. Kaidan decided to investigate. As he walked up to the doorway, he saw Shepard hastily pulling a bunch of wipes from the container. He had to stifle a laugh at the frustration he saw.

"You know, Eli, I've seen some nasty shit in my days, but…this…aww, hell, it just keeps spreading around! Oh, come _on!_" His eyes closed as his body shook from unreleased laughter.

Kaidan moved back into the hallway for a minute as he regained his composure. When he peeked back in, she had finished putting on the clean diaper. She held up the now much happier baby and looked at him. "There. Done. Not bad for a first time." _Just as proud of this as of anything else she's ever done._

He couldn't hold in his laughter anymore, so he clapped for her job well done. "So the great Commander Shepard has overcome after all?"

"Can it, Alenko."

He snuggled up to her in support. "Was it really that bad?"

"You have no idea," she scowled. "The next diaper is yours."

Kaidan just smiled. _Not if I can help it._


	50. Family Outing

**A/N: Wow, chapter 50! A super fluffy chapter that will lend itself to a couple upcoming chapters in my coordinating fic, ****_Vancouver_****. I hope you all enjoy! This turned out a long longer than I thought it would!**

HERS

A noise awoke Shepard that wasn't Eli's crying. _Finally get a few hours shuteye, then this…_She sat up confused as she tried to rub the sleep from her eyes and get the fog out of her head. "Kaidan, I heard something."

A beeping noise sounded again. _Omni-tool._ "Kaidan, your tool is beeping," she pushed him.

"Ok, ok…I'm up," he yawned, reaching for his tool. As he opened it, Joker's face appeared on the screen.

"Hey, Alenkos…or Shepards…or, well, what should I call you? Oh, and Kaidan…I guess Shep was right, you do look great without a shirt!" the pilot winked cheekily.

Kaidan snorted and Shepard leaned over his shoulder nearly shouting. "Joker! Holy shit, it's good to see you! Where the hell are you?"

Joker turned slightly to his side as he looked at some monitors. "Well, if my sensors are correct, and the windows say they are, we'll be landing in Vancouver in about 30."

Shepard leaped out of bed and started getting dressed. "Move your ass, Alenko!"

Kaidan looked at Joker, who was still laughing at Kaidan's expense. "I guess we'll meet you at the spaceport."

"You always were whipped, Alenko…admit it," Joker chuckled.

"Ha ha, Joker. Living up to the name. We'll see ya in a few," said Kaidan as he closed his tool.

Shepard was already dressed and gathering things for the diaper bag. "Come _on,_ Kaidan! Everyone's going to be there! They'll get to meet Eli and I…oh my God, I'm just so damn happy!"

Kaidan sat up, a smile on his own face, rubbing his eyes. "I'm just amazed. I wonder what all they've gone through. It's been months."

Shepard moved in front of Kaidan, placing a kiss on his forehead. "Let's hurry up and find out." She tiptoed away to gather the sleeping baby.

When they arrived at the spaceport, a crowd had gathered despite the late hour. News crews stood by to get a glimpse of the _Normandy's_ crew and commander. "I didn't think it would be a circus like this," grumbled Shepard as they sat in the skycar. "Eli's still sleeping, thank God. I wanted to carry him on board without waking him if we could."

Kaidan sighed loudly and scratched his head. "We'd done a great job of being incognito here on Earth until now. All that hospital time kept us away from the prying eyes of the press. Can't say that's not in large part due to the Alliance guards they kept around. The media probably doesn't even know that you had a baby."

_Shit. _"We should have called your mom to babysit. Saved Eli this hassle."

"You're the one who jumped out of bed and told me to 'move my ass.'"

Shepard mock-laughed at Kaidan. "So blame me for wanting to see the best part of you…"

Shaking his head and rolling his eyes, Kaidan opened the skycar doors. "Do you want to hold Eli or should I take him through the gauntlet?"

"I want to keep as low a profile as possible, so I'll get through there as fast as I can with him. You can handle the press. You've already been back to work. I'm still on my leave," she winked as she scooped up the infant and wrapped him snugly in a blanket.

"I love you too…," Kaidan said sarcastically.

She took a deep breath and trudged forward to the mass of people at the docking bay. _Damn people, like you've never seen an Alliance ship before._

"Look! It's Commander Shepard!" an alert news reporter chirped. All eyes fell on her then to the bundle in her arms. A quick hush fell over the crowd. _Oh God…help. Facing a Reaper alone…cake. Reporters…_ She felt a warm hand on the small of her back. "Come on, Rachel. Just walk ahead," Kaidan's husky voice whispered.

As they took their first step together, the crowd maintained a reverent silence. _This is straight-up unnerving._ "I thought we were going to be ambushed with questions," Shepard said in a low voice.

"They see you holding a baby…haven't you ever heard the ancient saying, 'Never wake a sleeping baby?' It looks like some things are still sacred," Kaidan said, looking straight ahead at the _Normandy's_ open door. As they walked into the decon bay, the door closed behind them. _EDI's voice did not greet us as it had before._ The airlock door opened into the CIC, and a crowd of familiar faces were waiting on the other side.

Liara's eyes were moist with unshed tears and her smile was bright. "Welcome home, Shepard, Kaidan," she said gently. "I thought we'd never see you again," said Tali, her voice quivering with emotion. Chakwas' face held a tight smile, as she fought back her own tears. "You make lovely parents, Commander…and Major, of course."

"Ok, ok, enough with the sap, you guys are giving my poor hollow bones cavities!" moaned Joker, as he hobbled to the pair. "Let's see what you two have cursed the Earth with." He leaned slightly as Shepard moved the blanket away from Eli's face. Tali squealed and grabbed Garrus' hand. "So. _Adorable!_ Doesn't it make you want to have one?" Garrus' mandibles flared wide, and he cleared his throat.

"It's not so bad, Garrus," Kaidan joked. "Once you get past the gag reflex."

"I'll keep that in mind," said the turian dryly.

"Can I hold…?" Liara stopped short.

"Him," finished Shepard, handing the baby over to the asari. "Absolutely, his name is Elijah…we call him Eli."

"His hair is…amazing!" Samantha Traynor said as she approached. "There's so much of it. Dark and curly and thick…I just want to touch it!" Shepard shot a sly look at Kaidan, who had moved away to the male part of the group. _That's exactly what I think when I see you._

HIS

Kaidan tried to comfort Garrus as they both watched Tali develop a serious case of baby fever. Every few seconds there was a new squeal or squeak from the quarian and she would turn to look at Garrus. Even though her facial features couldn't be seen through her mask, both men could tell she was smiling as big as she ever had.

"When we were on Tuchanka, I thought we were going to end up with a baby krogan on board, and I don't mean Grunt," said Garrus. "I've never seen a woman so damned determined to love every one of those ugly things."

Kaidan chuckled. "I thought turians weren't so superficial. Not like us humans."

"We have to have some standards, even me. Although I guess, I should thank Tali for sticking close. I had more than a fair share of now highly fertile, and by fertile I mean horny, krogan women vying for my affections. Spirits know that would be one hell of an ugly child," Garrus said jokingly.

"Do you not want to have kids?" Kaidan asked.

"Well, you know, I never really thought about it. Turian culture is so militaristic that procreation is just part of your duty, so I guess I thought it would happen, well, before the Reapers. Now, that they're gone…I guess I have time to think."

"Just don't follow our plan," smiled Kaidan. "Apparently birth control doesn't always work with biotics."

"So that's what happened," Garrus laughed. "I'm glad it was you and not me."

Kaidan raised his eyebrow. "So that whole thing…works? Quarians and turians?"

Garrus mandibles went wide in an apparent smirk. "Like it was meant to be."

"Hey there, ladies…you sound like two hens clucking," Joker gibed as he moved toward the men. "Please talk about something masculine, or I swear I'm going to start PMSing on you right here."

"Sex isn't manly enough for you?" Kaidan teased.

"Hell yes, sex is manly, but you two are talking baby-making. Two totally different concepts."

"I guess we aren't the bachelors we once were, eh, Kaidan?" said Garrus.

"I don't know what kind of bachelor you were, but I never wanted anything more than this." Kaidan gazed at his wife as she and the other women doted over the baby. "But yeah, you know, now that I think about it…I kind of sprung the whole wedding thing. Never had a proper bachelor party. Joker, how about it? Would that be more up your masculine alley?"

"Kaidan, don't ever use those two words together with me again," Joker snickered. "You let me plan this thing and I swear it will be the most badass bachelor party ever."

"I thought I heard something about a bachelor party," James Vega said as he strolled up. "Will there be strippers? Because I'm in."

Joker held his hand up. "Ah-ah-ah. I will not divulge my secrets. Just be ready for a good time, Vega."

"Sure enough, Hef," grinned Vega. "Scars, is this bad boy for you? You and Sparks making it official?"

"Uh, no. That would be the human to my left."

"_Bueno!_ Can't wait to see you let your hair down, _El Guapo_," said Vega as he slapped Kaidan on the back.

Kaidan gave the lieutenant a confused look. "El What-o? And what did you call Joker?"

Vega let out a barking laugh. "_El Guapo_…it means handsome." Vega winked. "I mean just look at that pretty face. It won Lola over. And Hef, I mean, Joker? Have you seen his porn collection? You've heard of Hugh Hefner, right? Trailblazer in getting pretty women to show it off." Vega put his hand over his heart in a solemn salute.

"I, uh, never had much to do with porn." Kaidan scratched his neck, slightly embarrassed. "Definitely didn't study its history."

The conversation halted suddenly as a baby's cry rose through the deck. Kaidan's eyes diverted quickly from Vega to the group of women. "Sorry, Lieutenant, it looks like I'm needed."

"Ok, _Papito_," Vega joked. Kaidan threw his hand dismissively at the bulky soldier. When he came up behind Shepard, Eli was red-faced from crying.

"Here you go, Daddy," she said simply as she handed the squalling infant. She leaned in close to Kaidan's ear. "I didn't forget how you bailed on me with that diaper." _Well played, you little minx._ He gave a half-hearted smile as he watched her walk away with Liara and Tali who were recounting their voyage back to Earth.

Kaidan turned back to the male contingent, and was greeted with raised hands by Joker and Garrus. "I don't do babies, especially crying ones. They hate me," deadpanned Garrus.

"If that kid is a biotic, he might break my arm. I can't afford that right now," said Joker as he backed away.

"We don't even know if he is a biotic."

Joker had already made it halfway down the deck. "Can't take any chances. See ya." _Never saw him move that fast for anything. Ever._

Kaidan looked at Vega, who had a smug grin on his face. "What's so amusing?" the biotic said.

"Ah, nothin', _Papito_. The dad thing…it looks good on you."

"Oh…well, thanks."

"Sure thing, _old man_." Vega chuckled and walked away.

In the meantime, Kaidan had been bouncing the boy in an attempt to calm him to no avail. _Ok, buddy, time to quiet down. It is still the middle of the night._ "Hey Eli, tell Daddy what you need," he said quietly, walking into the cockpit. "See this seat over here? This, well, sort of like this, was where Daddy used to work."

Eli opened his eyes wide and blinked, finally ceasing to cry. Kaidan sat down at the co-pilot's seat, pulling up the terminal. "Now, look, all you have to do if you want to get everything set for FTL flight is pull up this screen here." The baby was now waving his arms in apparent interest. "Maybe you want to be a tech just like Daddy?"

"Or Mommy," said a voice from behind them. Kaidan looked back to see the shining green eyes of his wife. "You finally got him to stop crying. He didn't want anything to do with me, surprisingly," Shepard said as she walked up beside them, placing her hands on Kaidan's shoulders.

"I hoped maybe the moving pictures on the screen would distract him from crying." Kaidan smiled at the little baby he was supporting in his lap. "Strange, we've been gone for so long, and things are so different…"

"And the _Normandy_ still feels like home," she agreed.

"You know…I never thought about this, but maybe being a spacer kid isn't such a bad idea." Kaidan looked up at Shepard, whose face broke into a huge smile.

"It sounds like we've got some arrangements to make."

A throat cleared. Joker plopped himself into his usual seat. "Um, before you two go off again into the galaxy and kick ass…don't forget your bachelor party."

"Bachelor party?" Shepard's eyebrow raised. "Will there be strippers?" _Joker, you dumbass._

"I, uh…this is all on Joker," Kaidan dodged.

"I bet it is. Ok, boys, you have your fun, but this means I'm getting the girls together to have mine. I should go…I have some naughty plans to make," she smirked and walked away.

"Feels like home, doesn't it?" said Joker.

"That it does," Kaidan said. "That it does."


End file.
